I have been depressed every single day for the past 25 years. There is no hope.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by rostova, Mar 6, 2010.

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  1. rostova

    rostova Member

    I have no friends; people just plain don't seem to like me. Sometimes they completely ignore me when I'm standing right there. I could just disappear and nobody would miss me except possibly my genetic relatives who are hard-wired to care in some primal sense. Weird to feel invisible when you're a female who is almost 6 feet tall.

    Anyone who responds to this post will say, "Oh, sweetie, things will pick up! You're just going through a hard time! Everyone has trouble sometimes."

    No. Not really. That's not applicable to me. This has been the situation for MY ENTIRE LIFE. A quarter of a century has gone by in which I've been rejected by people in every single situation. In kindergarten, I was the little girl in the corner not speaking to anyone. At home, while I was growing up, my parents favored my brother. My other brother also favors our brother. I know I'm not the most exciting person to be around -- I'm terrible at smalltalk and often find my mind goes blank out of nervousness -- but it's almost like people can tell I'm boring before I get a chance to bore them. I'm invisible. When I call my grandparents, they hang up on me or start asking about my brother; MY EXISTENCE DOES NOT INTEREST THEM. I have no friends my own age--and I had no friends all through college. A few weeks ago, I tried to "friend" some people on Facebook in my graduate school program, and some of them didn't even friend me back. I'm pretty sure one boy friended me weeks ago (in response to my request) and then de-friended me just recently. And it's not a large, anonymous program where he might be justified in de-friending someone he never sees. Not at all. There are actually only a few dozen of us in the program, and we sit in a lecture together once a week.

    Another element: I've read through a few of the posts in this forum, and most people seem to have / have had a significant other. So even these suicidal folks around the world, the most desperate and lonely and afflicted minds, have someone who chooses to love them over all others in their gender. Kudos to them. I, on the other hand, have never been in a romantic relationship. I'm 25. I've never even kissed anyone or held hands. I haven't had a best female friend in over a decade (she moved away in high school; we've grown apart, and she is now indifferent to me and rarely returns my calls).

    Sometimes a stranger will hit on me, or I get approached quite eagerly by a guy at a party--so it's not like I'm horribly unattractive. People who DON'T KNOW ME AT ALL seem to think well of me.

    But somehow, for some reason, once people get to know me they decide - very quickly - that I'm horrible/boring/disgusting/something else that I have not identified. I wish someone would just tell me what's wrong with me. Give me an anonymous note or something. You'll be doing me a favor.

    The irony is that I'm much, much needier than other people and I crave affection and I genuinely like everyone, coworkers and classmates and roommates and EVERYONE, more than they know... even those who continue to reject me, day after day. I have never deliberately hurt any of them. I don't understand why I am a pariah. Why I've always been on the outside, looking in.

    Oh, and I was hospitalized for anorexia in my home state 10 years ago, as a teenager. I'm now at a normal weight but still have issues (not that anyone knows; I have never told a single soul who knows me now--so it's not like my psychiatric history would be the reason everyone is avoiding me)

    So you see I've got my share of problems, and there have never been any "good old days" or times I can point to and say "I'd like to restore that level of calm acceptance and social comfort in my life." If anything, my life is better now than it was during my miserable childhood, because as an adult I have a greater degree of autonomy in my day-to-day life.

    But everything hurts.
  2. rostova

    rostova Member

    Aaaaand even on the Internet, I'm ignored.
  3. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    I am just working through posts, and just got to yours.

    Heyroo! I'm Jason. Nice to meet you. I'm sorry that everything hurts. Tell me what I can do to help. If it's only to listen as you rant about you childhood, or college. You are bolder than I... At least you were able to go to college. I went for a grand total two semesters.

    Let me know if I can help! PM box is always open.

    Abd welcome to SF!
  4. LSD

    LSD Well-Known Member

    i feel ignored in internet too :p no worries.. here of SF not everybody replies to the post
    most are just lurkers
    i guess we all deal with different stuffs..

    and 6 feel tall!!! wow lucky you.. im 4feet
    when i go shopping clothes its hard to find something that fits me..specially the jeans i always have to cut them
    plus i have no boobs or ass.. tsk tsk.. hard hard
    and when i cant pick something cuz its to high i always need help.. well its not that someone helps me lol most of the time i have to jump and then give up

    i have a friend who is also 25 almost 26.. and has never been kissed.. but you know.. its more a mood and pheromones thing.. if you dont feel interested guys just dont either

    there is always someone for us
    might not be a lover but maybe a friend .. just waiting
    i dont know this kinna things are hard but usually is our fault.. we reject people without even notice

    and ever talked with your parents or brothers about how you feel??

    sometimes aprents dont notice how much they are screwing our lives
  5. panic

    panic New Member

    honestly how bad do you have it. no one hits on me
  6. Mattius459

    Mattius459 Member

    Hello rostova. For the record, you seem like a really nice person with nothing but good intentions. One thing that I might guess is that maybe you are not being outgoing enough? Try and get to know some people in real life. One thing that I have come to observe is that MOST people are wandering through life with their own secret problems. Everyone tries to appear happy-go-lucky and care-free, but they are mostly just as worried and uncertain as the rest of us. If you are at a uni, join a club or team of some kind, and participate in class discussion. Muster up all of your courage and try to put yourself out of your comfort zone and into the thick of it. I really don't think that people are 'unfriending' you on facebook means anything. I took off two-thirds of my FB list a few months ago because I just didn't care to have anyone but my good friends knowing the specifics about me. There could be a million reasons for why people do the things they do. Try your hardest to not assume that people are doing things to hurt you. People rarely do that.

    There is a great example that I want to bring up:

    I was at a party on new years eve, and my group of friends was kicked out of a hotel room because it was too packed. We were all a bit drunk and my friend jokingly said to this girl "you were too skinny to be in that room anyways." This girl was beautiful, she was the best looking girl there. He said that because the other room was full of ,well, large girls. Everyone in the room saw what he said as a complement. She saw it as an insult. She was mortified, she silently left the room, and it ruined the rest of her night. I know this because she was boyfriends with a friend of mine and he told me all about it. Apparently it was a regular thing.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is, some people have such a low self-esteem, that they even see complements as insults. I know it is hard, and I do it myself, but try not to see other peoples' actions as an insult to you. 99% of the time, their actions have nothing to do with you in any way. Hope this helps.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 7, 2010
  7. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    I understand alot of what you are saying. Just last night at a bar I was trying to make some friends because I have none in the city I live in. Surrounded by people bu totally alone. Never felt I fit in well any where. So are you craving male attention or just wanting to be heard by anyone? Some guys might just be intimidated by your looks. As far as your family goes that sucks. We can't choose out family and parents aren't perfect. It seems they favor him over you. But you can choose your friends. What are your hobbies? Get involved with people who like what you like. Common interest is the key to any relationship.
  8. tortuosa

    tortuosa Banned Member

    Everyone can smell your desperation, you only do things in order to please other people, you are beggin for attention, you are way WAY to needy, fix that and start being happy with what you have.

    Be on your thing, there is nothing more atractive to other people that one person thats is you happy alone no matter what, once you start having an interesting life and being busy you wont even care, and thats the point. Do you have hobbies? do them in your free time. Go out alone, is okay to be alone, but dont go out sad, go out happy, enjoy your night, if you start being positive, positive reactions you will get. If you are just desperate and negative, that is what you will get from people, negative reactions. YOU HAVE TO START BEING HAPPY ALONE.

    Yeah, yeah, i know you may say "but im a good person", but you have an inferiority complex and you are very weak, the most you can get with that attitude is s-h-a-m-e, but you would not want that right? you ask why people get away of you after they know you? because you become dependant on them, healthy relationships doesnt work that way, you dont need other people love in order to feel complete, you need selflove and thats it, sure is great to be loved, but is only an addition, dont look in other people what you have to look in yourself.

    Hope it helped. Luck.
  9. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Hi rostova,

    Did it help to write that out?

    You didn't leave it very long to wait for replies before presuming you were being ignored. On here, a lot of people are feeling horrific, like you are, so struggle to support people, some people don't know how to reply to support posts, some people don't know what to say, some people read posts (particularly long ones like yours), go away, digest and then reply later. None of those are anything to do with you, and you automatically presumed it was, which maybe makes me wonder if you act in a similar was in 'real life'?

    Have you ever had any professional help to help you work through what you feel?

    I personally disagree with the fact you have no hope. I think there is lots of hope for you, its finding ways to access that hope and for you to be able to feel it.
  10. rostova

    rostova Member

    Thanks for the kind replies. I started going to a therapist a few months ago. At our fifth appointment, she presented me with a bill for the past 4 appointments. She evidently forgot that I'd already paid week by week, each time I saw her. At our sixth appointment, she never showed up...because she forgot we had an appointment.

    So I exited that a experience a little worse off than when I went into it.

    I agree that maybe people can smell my desperation, but it's tricky because I don't know exactly what I'm doing wrong. Another issue is that I get along extremely well with people twice my age--since I don't share the usual twenty-something interests. And I'm awful at small talk, compounded by the fact that I don't watch TV. I agree that my height probably does intimidate people. Even I am drawn to short, cute little people.... :)

    Girls in their twenties have all these finely honed skills of socializing and asserting themselves and making little jokes all the time about absolutely nothing.... Somehow I never developed those skills. I'm more like a guy in my interaction style, I guess, because whenever I hear guys talking among themselves about politics or math or the news or something factual, I think, "I could totally join THAT conversation!" In the past, I've actually gotten along the best with nerdy guys. I really need female friends, though.
  11. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry that that therapist was so completely incompetent. However, they are not all like that. It can take a while to find a therapist that works for you, and a therapy that works. Maybe its worth trying again to find someone?

    What is it that concerns you about having friends twice your age? There is nothing wrong with that at all. People find friends in different places, for different reasons. Likewise, having male friends or preferring male conversation, there is nothing wrong with that as long as you feel comfortable.

    When you say 'girls in their twenties', and yes, some girls in their twenties have those skills, as do people at every other age, however not all of them, and probably not even a majority; maybe just the ones you spend your time focused on? Instead of focusing on others, could you start to look at yourself and job focus on being yourself?

    Have you tried to build your self esteem and self confidence?
  12. Mattius459

    Mattius459 Member

    Have you ever thought that small talk could just be a dumb person's way of interacting? Who said these 'small talk skills' are all that great. Some people have nothing but small talk within them. How boring a person would that be? Be grateful that you have a brain. If you can find a way to be comfortable in your own skin, then your being at ease and having nonchalance will enable great conversational skills that you never thought you had!

    Also, I went through very poor therapists before I found one that was really good for me. The first was more of a counselor without any psychoanalytical skills, the second was a nutjob who believed in "chi" and "spirits." The third one actually knew what she was talking about, had a degree from a good university, and was very scientific in approach. She taught me to recognize the inconsistencies in my behavior and thought patterns, and I got much better. There are lots of bad therapists out there, keep trying to find a good one.
  13. tortuosa

    tortuosa Banned Member

    What you are doing worng is not having selflove.
  14. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I agree with OP's reply that you should seek out another therapist.. The one you are with is just plain ignorant.. It took me three therapists before I found the one I am with now..She is wonderfull..You really need to talk so Just come on here to talk or even vent your frustrations.,., We will do our best to help support you.. Don't be shy because no one sits in judgement here..Take care!!
  15. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    Rostova, I just want to say that you are not being ignored. I just read your post and I felt heartbroken for you, not out of pity, but out of your concluding that you are a pariah that no one cares about. I, as a child, had very low self-esteem and it didn't even come from my parents or siblings. It came from within. I was always a shy child so anytime someone slighted me I used that as a reason to hate myself even more and confirm that I'm nothing special.

    Years went by and if it wasn't for learning the truth about every person's self worth, I don't know where I'd be today. It took me a long time to develop the confidence to reach out to others, and when I did, something amazing happened. They reached back to me. Since then, I have learned the key to lifelong friendship. You cannot give unconditionally and not receive back. It might not come from the place you expected, but it will come. You are only 25 years old. You have whole life in front of you if you review your past in a different light. Then you will be able to let go and smile at what's ahead because you are worth everything in God's eyes. No one can replace you and that's the truth.
  16. tortuosa

    tortuosa Banned Member

    This guys on the forum arent helping you with their pity posts.
  17. lachrymose27

    lachrymose27 Well-Known Member

    rostova - I guess there are some people who will like you and then there are some who won't. But really, these people that don't like you because you are "boring" (or for whatever else reasons) are people you shouldn't be around with anyway.... It is hard, but good people are out there, however small the number. Frankly, I don't have many friends either, just the same ones (but they are great persons!) that i sometimes play weekly poker with... because my socials skills are terrrrrrrrible! (aside from being a very boring person to be around with, since i don't partay or drink) i also can't keep up with the jokes about absolutely nothing and cannot hold a conversation beyond a "hello", "how are you?" "good.. good..."

  18. Young suicider

    Young suicider Well-Known Member

    25 years!I'll never make it that far
  19. Young suicider

    Young suicider Well-Known Member

    I see your new I'll be easy on you,but don't post stiff like that;because your making a pointless post yourself.
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