I just keep wondering why did I join this webpage to let it all out for a miracle self healing but my mind try's to use humor to remove the reason why I want to end it all. Im kind of a shy person and I dont leave my home much and I feel many nights like im on the hangman's noose and I wonder what's it all for..... If god don't exist why don't I just end it but then I see so many wonderful people on this board who have a heart and compassion and have been in even worse places then me and they can survive. I know I have not been sleeping and man I miss my wife and wish I had some to talk to other then my dog but the chat seems to be used most of time for humor when what I really need is a serious talk. Right now I feel like an idiot at my age to post a message like this but I can't help the way that I feel inside everyday and night. I hate my dad for all the things he used to do to me and I hate myself for not doing something sooner. I have no life or friends and I feel like an idiot for even posting in this room but it was one of the many reasons why I came here and how I found the site I was looking up suicide and ways to kill myself and found this forum. I have posted a little bit about me in this forum but I also suffer from essential tremors so that keeps me depressed a lot and then with the panic attacks its like a double wammy.