I Have Checked Out

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Forgotten_Man, Jan 22, 2012.

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  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    You know last night I thought to myself. It would be nice to if my kitty were to get sick enough to warrant putting her to sleep. I realized the moment that I thought that I am officially checked out of living. I know that I am walking down a dark path, and a wrong path. There is nothing left that can fix me. Nothing at all, no amount of drugs or therapy. I am officially gone. There is no reason to continue even trying to get better. All that is left for me is oblivion. All I can do now is wait for my kitty to pass on naturally.

    There is nothing left for me once I start thinking about how nice it would be if I ended my kitty's life. She does not deserve that kind of thought. I no longer deserve her. She is too good and cute and sweet for someone like me. I am sorry I thought such thoughts. However, that does not mean they are going way. It is like the first time I thought about suicide. The thoughts only get stronger. My like a cancer, the thoughts just grow in frequency. Until you want to act on them. So yes I am officially done with trying to prevent my suicide. The only being who is keeping me here is my kitty. Because she is a happy kitty with me.

    So I am checking out. After my next interview I will stop coming to this forum. Much like I have stopped going to another forum. I have no reason to be here if I am just going to lurk with nothing to say. If I am only going to come out when I am going to complain. So after the 31st expect me to put my account on hold indefinitely.
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    I am sorry you feel like this.
    Please think that your kitty wants you to be with her for all her life, do not take that from her.
  3. Obviously your kitty loves you. She does deserve someone like you - someone who is able to show love, care and affection. I'm sure that does not make you a bad person at all. Do you have a professional you can talk to?
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @windlepoons: I am not going to take her life. Not unless it is the only or best choice. Right now I am still capable of determining the best course of action. I know she wants me around. That is why I do my best to hang on for her.

    @goodbyebluesky: The fact that I considered it makes me a bad person. I do my best to love her. Sometimes I do a good job other times I fail. Sometimes she does a bad job of loving me.

    I have no one I can talk too. I cannot bring myself to seek therapy in a society that thrives off of profit.
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    FM I'm sad to hear you're so down ..

    can you look at therapy as you thriving on them and learning new skills to deal with your problems?
    Are you still doing your Gym?/weight training?
    is your GP helpful?
    I hope you don't leave SF :hug:
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I am not sure what you mean about therapy.

    Yes the gym is part of my lifestyle now. I find that I hate myself more if I skip a day. So it's initial helping effects have worn off. It is a good way to hurt though.

    I do not have a GP. I rarely get sick and my health insurance doesn't require one. So if I get sick, I generally go to an urgent care facility. There I don't have to wait or schedule an appointment. I just show up and see a doctor. I have barely gone to the doctor three times in the past five years.

    I am finding SF depresses me more. Because my situation is a great deal better than most people on here. I just feel worse reading threads because I can no longer offer helpful advice.
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