i have come to the end now

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by foreverbroken, Nov 16, 2006.

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  1. foreverbroken

    foreverbroken New Member

    for the past two years i have been depressed, trying to hide it from everyone. anyway, this week something bad happened in my life, that i feel i can never fix, i have been feeling suicidal for a while now, i know that if i had to chose i would rather die than live this life anymore. i have come to the end, and i dont want to fight it anymore.
  2. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    Most things can be fixed, sometimes it just needs time.
    Talk to someone, on this forum or friends/family, and maybe you'll feel better.

    Pm me or add me on msn if you ever want to talk.
  3. foreverbroken

    foreverbroken New Member

    here is my story, of why i am going to do this.

    2 years ago i moved away with my six year old son, i wanted to try and give him a better life. I left behind my council house, and moved into a three bedroomed house, it wasnt perminent,it was just until i got on my feet.
    i enrolled my son in the local school. obviously he didnt like it because he would have to make new friends and get to know everyone, settle in.
    I told my family they could see my son in the school holidays, and could phone him whenever they wanted.
    my son was off school for two weeks and i took him over to my mums so he could spend the holiday with her and the rest of my family. it was a return ticket. my son never came back. on the day i was supposed to pick him up i got a phone call from my mum to say if i wanted him back i would have to go to court.
    i got a solicitor {lawyer}, and was told that my mum has a interim residence order against me, because she believed my son would come to harm if he stayed with me.
    the next thing i recieved copies of the court papers my mum had against me, and a date i should show up in court. it all happened so quick and it left me feeling very confused.
    In the end i signed a document saying that my mum would keep custody of my son, until i went back home, got a house, a job, and showed the court that i was back on my feet, then both the court and my mum would beable to make a decision on if i could get my son back with me.
    for the past two years i have been going back and forth to see my son, called him on the phone a few times per week, and it has almost killed me.
    im sat here now, and feel so trapped. i made a decision as my sons mother to raise him how i wanted to, he was 6 years old when all this started.
    when i moved here with him he never once told me he was unhappy, we took him somewhere every weekend, the beach, to forest parks climbing tree`s. walking around lakes, i got a phone call from his new school saying he wasnt settling in too well, so my partner and i went in too see if we could do anything to help him settle in, e.g, encourage him to make friends, do various things with him to bring him out of his shell, horse riding, get him into a few clubs to see if he enjoyed any of them. the head teacher said that as long as we did those things he would be fine. we never got a chance to do anything.
    in my mums court papers it said that the school told her i didnt feed my son before school, that i didnt do his homework with him, that he was neglected, and that he was so unhappy he would become ill.
    if he was so unhappy would he not have come to me and said something? such as tell me he wanted to go home to his family? was i wrong for telling my mum that if he hadnt settled in in a few months then i would think about bringing him home?
    basically for the last 2 years i have felt that the only way i can get my son back was to move back to where i was origionally,live somewhere i didnt want to live, why? why can it not be my desision on where and how i bring up my son? as my mum has say on how my son is brought up now, i couldnt chose where he goes to school, his medical side of things are down to her, im not even allowed to take him out of the uk or i face being arrested for abduction, all this because i moved.
    my mum started putting conditions on everything, such as, i would only get my son twice a week, the rest of the time he stays with her.
    2 weeks ago i went back to stay at my mums house, i was looking for a place to live, i just wanted my son back, while i was there mum became worse with me blaming me for everything, telling me what was going to happen, how often i would see my son etc, i couldnt handle it. i am depressed and feel useless, and not good enough to be my sons mum, 2 days ago i reached breaking point in it all, i left. i left my son behind and returned to where i have been living for the last 2 years. i will never forgive myself for leaving him.
    i got a message from mum telling me if i dont return within the next 24 hours she will cut all ties with me and tell my son i am gone forever.
    please give whatever advice you can, shout at me, tell me im evil, that its my fault, it doesnt matter, i need to get help. i dont feel stable in my head and for the last 2 days all i have done is think of the best way to end it.
  4. total_edge

    total_edge Guest

    First of all , i must say [and im sure everybody will agree] that you are a very strong person, whatever u may think or feel.Second of all , i must say [and sorry for this] that i dont like you rmom! how can someone do this... You didnt leave your son back, as u write, thats a false idea u have on your mind, you will get him back , u only need some time to get back to your feet, whatever happened its past, you can have him back but you must try a lot [so the court will decide to get the child back].
    Suicide is NOT the choice anyhow! You can get back the child , and have it in your arms, im sure you can, on the other hand if you fail on suicide, u ll never get the kid back, and they might put u in a clinic, so PLZ forget the suicide plans u ve made, and go on, think your beautiful son, and take power from him, know that u will take him eventually and go on with your life!
    that my advice hun, im sure u can do it....u ve been through a lot....its little
    more to him....

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