I have done terrible things

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by zimfrombm, Jun 10, 2008.

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  1. zimfrombm

    zimfrombm New Member

    Over the past 5 years I have split into two different people. The quiet shy kid by around my parents and teachers, and a man without morals by night.

    Its escalated to levels I never thought it would get too. Me and my "friends" have done terrible things to gain enough money to fuel the constant drug addiction. Weve broken into countless places, smashed and grabbed what weve wanted, run down the streets carrying goods with the cops following closely behind, proper movie stuff, and I cant take it anymore. shit weve even mugged a number of people when times got really hard. I am a piece of human shit, and now that I see this I realize how empty I really am, theres nothing I want from this world anymore, I think Im going to leave it.

    Recently the two worlds collided. My sunken eyes and terrible health from countless late nights and drug binges made my parents search my room while I was away, and they uncovered the truth about everything. My "friends" dont give two shits about me (who would expect junkies to care?) and everyone I truly cared about in my daytime world despises me now and I don't blame them. Theres nothing left for me. Its either move on completely and reinvent myself or just end it all right now. I hate myself and theres nothing left for me in this world besides more drugs and torment. I don't want it. I still have a sawn off in the wall cavity at the top of my cupboard. things are getting real now. I cant stay here anymore.

    Christ I hope there isnt a hell because Im headed straight for it.
  2. ScouseJM

    ScouseJM Well-Known Member

    Welcome to th forum. You might have done terrible things, but I am glad to see that you realise there is not only the option to leave, but also the option to start over anew. I hope you will stick around and maybe we can help you find the strength within yourself to choose that second option :hug:
  3. Mortem

    Mortem Well-Known Member

    Hmm... it's awfully hard to imagine what I would've done in that seat. One thing that'd alter the outcome would be age. How old are you, if you don't mind me askin?

    Me and a friend did somewhat the same stuff many years ago, but minus the drugs - which of course makes a lot of difference. We were only after the thrills and the carnage. Also, we were lucky not to ever get caught. I wouldn't brag and say we were clever, but we did a lot of planning and if something ever seemed dodgy we always aborted the mission. Although, ultimately we were just damn lucky.

    I guess why I asked about your age is because I wanted to know if you're depending on your family or not. If you're above 18, done with school and stuff... then it's a lot easier to just get going and start over.
    Gawd I can imagine those awful discussions you've faced, definately a hades in itself.
  4. ItThing

    ItThing Well-Known Member

    Your night time world has brought you nothing but pain. Go to your parents and true friends, tell them you are sorry and need help. For all the things you've done you still deserve help with your drug problem as well as a second chance to gain people's trust. You know what you've done, you're sorry, and you really want to change, I think this is the best chance you'll ever have, so don't give up, be honest with yourself and others and slowly you will rebuild your life on a safer and happier model. Have you considered rehab by the way?
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    maybe getting caught is the best that can happen...now, maybe you can get the help you need and become one. proud person...best of luck, J
  6. Clockwork Reality

    Clockwork Reality Well-Known Member

    The best way to turn your life around is to face what you've done. Tell somebody you trust, like family or a trusted friend, and get yourself into a rehabilitation treatment plan.
  7. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Have to agree with the last three posters. As scarey and as hard as it will be, a full upfront confession to parents is first port of call.
    Own up to everything and finish with a plea for help for your drug problem, ashamed they may be by your doings but there is a pride to be taken in your honesty and bravery in coming clean and asking for help.
    Get the help now before drugs take everything from you.
  8. mittens

    mittens Active Member

    i can personally relate, i was a meth head for two and a half years-vivid night terrors, pseudo insanity, ruined relationships, the whole lot (didnt rob many, but i did get 5 grand from a knife store)

    the best advice i could give is (what did it for me) realizing how far away i strayed from what i wanted to be. focus on the things in your dreams and truly work for them, music, fitness, or career. its not easy, especially applying yourself 6+ hours a day, but it truely altered my life.

    emptiness was replaced by for the first time pride in oneself.

    hope you sort things out
  9. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Here's the good news. What you have done in the past doesn't have to be who you are in the future. I did some pretty low things when I was in my teen years that I don't care to discuss. One of them was breaking into my best friend's house. I got caught by my parents and had to face his mother to give her back all the stuff I stole.

    I have never done anything like that again. I felt really bad right after I got caught and I didn't know whether or not they were going to press charges. I hit rock bottom that night and made an attempt as I drifted off to sleep.

    Fortunately, I didn't know enough about what makes the body work (or not) to make it a successful attempt. The next morning when I woke up, I was so glad to find that I was still alive that I decided to face whatever the consequences were for what I'd done and go back to school to try and get a better job.

    If you have not landed yourself in jail and you now realize how wrong you were, you're lucky. You can do something to change your life if you try. Don't worry about what other people think of you in the short term. Just concentrate on pulling yourself together and if they truly care about you, they'll stick with you and learn to trust you again.

    The drugs? Get yourself into rehab or something. They will not judge you because they see it every day and they know it's hard to stop. They're there to help. Not make moral judgments about your character. Besides, who cares what a stranger thinks anyway? If you need help, you need help. Don't be too ashamed to ask for it. Even if they give you a hard time, it will be worth it in the end when you come out clean. Give yourself a fighting chance. You're beating yourself up probably more than anyone else will.

    You don't need to confess your sins to people. What's done is done.
  10. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You may have done "terrible" things but that never never never never never ever makes you a terrible person.
  11. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    That does depend on what it is and who you ask. Unfortunately, many people are not very forgiving.
  12. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    It doesn't matter whether other people are forgiving. It matters if you forgive yourself.
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