So I’ve already failed and I can’t breathe. There’s a smile on my face because no one understands what this all meant to me. I’m trying to hide it, I’m trying to cope. But I just can’t see where else I’m now supposed to go. Building over years, I finally had it within my grasp. But now it’s gone. Slipped away and dissipated into a state of nothingness. And in mere moments. Like a fading ember it taunts me, mocks me and seemingly remains giggling once it joins the rest of quiet, crumbled ashes. Where do I go from here? How do I find my place in this life if I am never good enough to try? There is always something. Always. Something I don’t have, and can’t have because I don’t have something before it. I am so tired of trying to fail. I am so tired of trying when I know all there is, is inevitable failure. All I ever wanted was to be one of you. To feel as if I belonged, to feel human. But it’s all lost to me now. I sit here, at the most final important junction of my life and I see the brick wall to mark my end of the road being built. Each moment that passes, adds another brick and I’m beginning to hate my own identity. To hate being this…feminine creature with no place in a modern world. To hate being a dreamer when all my dreams to another human are just simple reality that are easily obtainable. But not for me. Never for me. A pattern in my life story that I should be used to by now. That I should be accepting and desensitized from disappointment. But each brick that’s laid by each day that passes as I grow older, and I just feel weaker. I feel the cracks in my soul ripple and begin to shatter into tiny shards at a time. I am not young anymore. I haven’t felt young for a very long time, and now my body is joining up with my mind. I’m told that there’s time, I am told that to achieve my dreams I must be patient. But there are things that time cannot fix in me, things that time takes away each moment I wait, and I’m just so tired. Tired of moving, yet tired of sitting still and just waiting, and my time is running out. I begin to understand the words of some of my loved ones. I am beginning to understand their pain and their heartache as we shared the same wants and desires from this world – but we were given nothing. Karma has failed me. I have failed me, and I do not even know how.