I have failed.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by HarleyTwin, Oct 17, 2014.

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  1. HarleyTwin

    HarleyTwin Staff Alumni

    So I’ve already failed and I can’t breathe. There’s a smile on my face because no one understands what this all meant to me. I’m trying to hide it, I’m trying to cope. But I just can’t see where else I’m now supposed to go. Building over years, I finally had it within my grasp. But now it’s gone. Slipped away and dissipated into a state of nothingness. And in mere moments. Like a fading ember it taunts me, mocks me and seemingly remains giggling once it joins the rest of quiet, crumbled ashes.

    Where do I go from here? How do I find my place in this life if I am never good enough to try? There is always something. Always. Something I don’t have, and can’t have because I don’t have something before it. I am so tired of trying to fail. I am so tired of trying when I know all there is, is inevitable failure. All I ever wanted was to be one of you. To feel as if I belonged, to feel human. But it’s all lost to me now.

    I sit here, at the most final important junction of my life and I see the brick wall to mark my end of the road being built. Each moment that passes, adds another brick and I’m beginning to hate my own identity. To hate being this…feminine creature with no place in a modern world. To hate being a dreamer when all my dreams to another human are just simple reality that are easily obtainable.

    But not for me. Never for me. A pattern in my life story that I should be used to by now. That I should be accepting and desensitized from disappointment. But each brick that’s laid by each day that passes as I grow older, and I just feel weaker. I feel the cracks in my soul ripple and begin to shatter into tiny shards at a time. I am not young anymore. I haven’t felt young for a very long time, and now my body is joining up with my mind.

    I’m told that there’s time, I am told that to achieve my dreams I must be patient. But there are things that time cannot fix in me, things that time takes away each moment I wait, and I’m just so tired. Tired of moving, yet tired of sitting still and just waiting, and my time is running out. I begin to understand the words of some of my loved ones. I am beginning to understand their pain and their heartache as we shared the same wants and desires from this world – but we were given nothing.

    Karma has failed me. I have failed me, and I do not even know how.
  2. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Hi, I'm sorry if you think you have failed. That Song, "I Am A Rock" I like but, it says" I touch no one and No one Touches Me" I am not sure I would Like that. I think you just touched me, I'm not sure that I understand everything you have said but I can feel your Pain. I am Leigh, Hi Never seen you before but then what do I know, I'm new here.
  3. HarleyTwin

    HarleyTwin Staff Alumni

    Hello, Leigh. (You and my mother share the same name, only hers is spelled differently). I'm sorry it took a few days to reply. It has been difficult trying to pull myself out of the dark space that inspired me to write this.

    I don't suppose many could understand. It's a difficult situation I'm in that is made-up of a lot of different factors that are blocking me in seemingly every way I turn and i'm beginning to see no other way than just sitting down and accepting that there is no door to find my way out. I sometimes feel that a woman like me, in all my complexities, is not given the benefits that the world has to offer so many others. At least not in this modern age. If it isn't my sexuality that holds me back, it is my financial position, my social position, or my geographical position. To most people, I am a strange enigma, I guess. I feel this world requires me to have a height in all of those categories, but since I do not hold any high level of any of them, I am shunned, pushed away, or not taken seriously as someone who wants to be a person living among everyone else. And the older I get, the more terrified I feel.
  4. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Well, I Thank You for replying. I do understand that you feel you have reached a Plateau and are unable to go higher or grow or achieve more. I find what you say a little ambiguous, all those blocks that you seem to say you find ahead of you, are you unable to change or go around any of them? I wonder what it is that is constraining you, there are a few that I could understand but I do not see any signs of those barriers. It may be that I am not seeing as well as not hearing what You are saying . I hope that you can overcome those barriers and achieve new Heights.

    I have never pretended to smile, I just Cry!
  5. HarleyTwin

    HarleyTwin Staff Alumni

    My apologies there. I tend to word things very cryptically when I'm unsure of people's reactions to the straight-forward bluntness. For the last 4 years, I've delved desperately into becoming a mother. Life got in the way a few times with personal issues that had to have it put on hold. Earlier this year, I lost a dear childhood-adulthood friend of mine to suicide. She was slightly older than me, but she was falling into depression badly, one of her reasons she was constantly struggling the inability to become a mother - which, like me, she wanted more than anything else in the world. Her past history, would not even allow her to adopt, and adoption is next to impossible in this country alone. My past will also, not allow me to adopt, and right now, I am trying to have my fertility tested (which could come back as being bad news). If there are problems...my financial position does not make it easy for me to seek fertility treatment, which, each cycle of attempt can cost up to $10,000. And if it takes 10 attempts, that is $100,000 ALONE. I know raising children is expensive, but that financial expectation is ridiculous. People do not have that money lying around for a "maybe".

    To also further explain, I'm asexual. Which, if you (or others) aren't aware of what that means, it means I do not experience sexual attraction to a person of any gender. But the lack of awareness of it, and the stigma of it, makes it very difficult to find a relationship, and in a lot of cases, gives asexual women only one option - single parenting (I have recently run into a few hiccups with my current partner, and he does not want more children anyway - and is unable to even if he did want more). But single parenting requires being the sole provider, which means I need a well-paying job, which I can't have on the little education and employment experience that I have. And if that wasn't bad enough, I cannot even get into the study course I want (Journalism) because I need to have a basic knowledge of math...which I don't have, and cannot get even at this country's equivalent of a community college.

    So basically, to sum it all up. I feel like I am running out of time biologically, and I really do not have another reason to be here if I cannot raise a family of my own. I am almost at that age where my friends' children are almost or are already in high school. As women, we do not commonly have the luxury of becoming parents well into our senior years like men do. And once the age of 35 hits, there is an increased risk of complications and dangers. But, if my fertility issues from the past are any indication...by 35, I may not even be able to have children anyway. So..I have an even smaller window of time.

    I just feel worthless. I feel completely and utterly worthless wanting the one thing that so many others can achieve so easily whenever they wish. I feel less human. I feel less of a woman, and I feel like an oxygen and resource thief by just living out my days eating, spending money until my ultimate demise with nothing at all to show for it.
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