I have found a peaceful way to leave this world but not yet.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by E69, May 3, 2010.

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  1. E69

    E69 Member

    Without going into details, because they will be edited anyway, I have found a foolproof, peaceful way, to leave this world.

    I have decided I will stay for another few weeks, maybe a month, to spend time with the people who care about me. During these last few weeks, I want to express appreciation towards these people, and make them feel important and appreciated. I have been so down and low lately that I have stressed everyone out around me. In my last month in this world, I have decided to be less selfish, and put on a "happy" face, even though I am still in physical pain.

    I want my last month here to be as upbeat as possible. I will not cry anymore. I will not bring my family down, into my bad headspace.

    I tried to break up with my girlfriend today, and she started crying, and she was going to punch me apparently, but then I decided, I want to spend a few more weeks with her, before I leave this earth.

    A small part of me wants a "miracle cure" but my logical side says that I just want a few more moments on this earth, and try to be as upbeat as possible during that time.

    I am very rational right now as I type this. And please don't write stuff like "oh you have so much to live for" or other things like that.

    Please respect my decision to leave this world, and also my decision to spend my last few weeks on this planet in a state of peace and love, as much as I can, at least.

    Thank you and take care
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    You mentioned physical pain, and the hope for a miracle cure. You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but what's wrong?
  3. E69

    E69 Member

    I have a physical condition/ailment. It was initially misdiagnosed, and i was put on the wrong treatment, which made me worse. I have been on several different treatments, even "outside the box" treatments, and I am basically at my wits end. I stay alive because my dad, and my girlfriend care about me, and it destroys me to think about hurting them. At the same time, i dont have much hope left in me. I think I have already lost it, but i hang on by a thread.

    No point in talking about the condition itself. Unless you are a doctor.
  4. Miasma

    Miasma New Member

    Hey I'm a med student so feel free to talk to me about it if you like. Just wanted to point out to you that although I do respect ur decision, it seems like you're a really brave and selfless person to go through that for your loved ones. I hope you realise though that it is still going to hurt them just as much if not more one month from now. Why not try and continue for longer, years even, for their sake??? Obviously you're hurting a lot but have you tried every option, every possible way for their sake??? Do they know what you are doing for them??? Shouldn't they at least have the right to understand you and your feelings and what you feel is coming before they find out the wrong way???
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    No, I'm not a doctor, and so I respect your decision not to go into more detail. Thanks for explaining what you did though.
  6. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    I know putting a happy face on. When i first began living with pain, one of my children came to ask me a question, but halted and i saw fear in their eyes. I asked what was wrong and they thought i was angry. From that day on, when fighting my pain (which is most of the time) i set my face with a smile.

    over the years my condition has left me feeling like exiting on many many occasions. Mine was iatrogenic. Multiple life threatening injuries. Lots of pain. No way to fix it. Unwilling to even walk into a doc/surgeon's office.

    I understand pain. I know tips and tricks and what not. Medicine has the ability to improve quality of life by treating the pain, unless of course you are in the usa where we have the war on drugs and then it may be difficult, but not impossible. Not knowing your condition it's difficult to understand how much your quality of life can be improved. I do know with untreated pain, can come depression.

    I've seen folks in all sorts of conditions, life threatening conditions. My one young friend, father of four young children, lived every day knowing his aorta could rupture at any moment. Most had enough in their lives, to keep that spark that desire to continue on -a desire to continue engaging with the world despite their conditions.

    Is it the pain? Being a burden on family? The lifestyle change? Frustration? Is this a new situation or have you been living with it for a while? :hug:

    I mean, if you want to live, if there is enough on this planet that you want to engage with, it may be possible to brainstorm out how you can stay. I know some ppl don't want to stay if they are anything less than 100%. I guess i'm just not understanding what it is that is causing you to want to leave. I apologize for my lack of understanding, i'm sometimes slow to, "get it".

    I do respect your decision, although i do hear that part of you that would like the miracle cure. I know it's not an easy thing to do, this choice. I am glad you found a peaceful one though.
  7. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    There are still miracle cures out there. And hope isn't gone yet. I know this is your decision to make, and I respect that. But, it just feels like maybe there is still something that can be done for you medically.

    It took me almost 40 years to get the right diagnosis. Only a handful of people in the medical profession even know what it is. There are no cures, only temporary treatments.

    I went through all the alternative treatments. Even one where my dad had me take a spoonful of safflower oil every few hours. That didn't help the medical problem, but I did learn how to pull the car over really fast to throw up......

    I have days when I give up hope. But I'm not ready to die yet. I'm not ready to give up that last bit of hope. I'm not ready to leave those that care about me, and I realize how lucky I am to have them. And I watched too many young kids die I guess to give up yet. God they fought to stay alive, even when there was no hope. So how do I quit when there is even the tiniest bit of hope? I don't know, I struggle with this everyday. I don't want to be sick anymore, but I can't just stop trying. I'm not ready to let this disease, or my past, win. I want to win. I want to get better.

    I wish you the best, whatever you choose to do.
  8. E69

    E69 Member

    Thank you all for your words.

    I see my doctor again on Monday. I will see what he says.

    I don't want to die, but I dont want to live like this either. I dont have "40 years" to feel better.

    I have a few more alternative herbal treatments that I am willing to try. I will try to keep the hope alive, although I am both physically and emotionally hurting. I love my dad and gf so much, it makes me cry to think about hurting them.

    I dont want to die, so I pray that I find a miracle.
  9. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I cannot say that you have not piqued my curiosity about this method. I would love a peaceful method to go. I hope you find your miracle. Wish I had that kind of hope.
  10. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    :hug: maybe you can keep talking here? Sometimes it helps to share that emotional pain. This is a good place to do it. Being in physical pain can intensify the pain one feels in the heart. For me, it can also leave me feeling the ultimate in frustration and desperation, as does knowing nothing can be done to fix me.

    Does your doctor understand that you cannot tolerate living in pain?

    :hug: for you. hope you keep talking. :console:
  11. kyle88

    kyle88 Well-Known Member

    I hope you do find a cure, you seem like a really nice person... I just wish you would stick around longer for the sake of your father and gf. With technological advances these days, there are so many methods, sometimes 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, etc doctor opinions can help...

    I obviously don't understand the physical pain that your in, and I am sorry this is happening to you, I just wish there was a way to convince you to stay... I'm sure you've already done a lot of research on cures for whatever your illness is, but people here really just want to help, which is the only reason we ask... if you would be more comfortable saying it in PM, please don't hesitate, but we do respect the fact that you don't want to talk about it, so please don't get mad at me for asking... just would like to help is all. Is there no way of you using prescription drugs/medicine etc. to help the pain go away? even temporarily? Probably a stupid question, since you've probably done everything already... im just sorry to hear that you got worse because of your doctor in the first place... :(

    If you ever need to talk dude, seriously just PM... you sound like a brave person and a really loving person to care so much about the people close to you, which is why I wish you could stick around longer for your loved ones, and maybe even see if the pain could go away eventually... either naturally or if a cure does come along.

    Your a very lucky person to have people love you so much like your father and gf, I wish I had someone like that, I'm sorry, I just don't know what to say, but reading this has made me a bit upset, even though im a complete stranger... I won't say that I approve of what your doing, but at the same time, I don't think i'm in any place to tell you anything since I have no idea what it's like to be in your position, All I can ask is for you to reconsider and stick around for your family and gf sake...
    Last edited by a moderator: May 4, 2010
  12. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member

    Hiya E69,

    This might be useful, or not useful, or get me insta-banned from the forum for asking... but..

    have you thought of contacting an assisted suicide organisation?

    Before I get banned, I am NOT NOT NOT saying this so that you can off yourself more easily, I am actually hoping that they will keep you alive. I am suggesting this because organisations like Dignitas' first priority is to find alternatives - different treatment, different pain medication, what have you - and because they are doctors, and because they deal with so many severely ill people, they often have a lot of ideas and connections. There was an article here in the Süddeutsche Zeitung reprinting an email exchange where a woman wrote them begging them to help her die as fast as possible because she couldn't stand the pain from her MS, and within 90 minutes they had responded with the email address of a specialist in her area who ended up helping her. (Edit: helping her reduce her pain. not helping her die. I just realized that was totally unclear. she wrote them later to thank them and tell them that she didn't want to die anymore, that was the point. I have no writing skills)

    I thought of this (possibly deeply, deeply weird) suggestion after reading Kali's question about whether your doctor knows that you cannot tolerate the amount of pain you are in. I think that's an excellent question, and I also think that the problem is that most doctors live in countries where they are basically legally required to assume that if you want to end your life for any reason, then there is something mentally wrong with you. To me that is a bit of a Catch-22.. like in order to get proper treatment, you have to be totally honest with your doctor, but in your case, you being totally honest with your doctor would involve you saying "look, I am in so much pain that I have planned my own death in order to escape it," and at a certain point he would be legally bound to have you committed, which is pretty much exactly the opposite of helping you find a way to reduce your physical pain. And that... sucks, basically.

    I dunno, I just thought you might benefit from having a chat with doctors who are actually allowed to recognize the fact that there are humans in the world who don't WANT to die, they're just in more physical pain than they can foresee themselves living with, and that is ACTUALLY TOTALLY DIFFERENT FROM BEING SUICIDAL, it should be seen as what it is, a symptom of a physical ailment. and then maybe they can hook you up with that miracle cure, or at least help you find a way to manage your pain so that you don't keep feeling guilty just because being sick makes you miserable.

    I hope you find the emotional support you need as well, and that you keep talking to your dad and girlfriend and letting them know how much you care about them.

    sending strong thoughts your way! i hope you keep posting
    Last edited by a moderator: May 4, 2010
  13. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    WOW Molotov. You have a phenomenal grip on this (at least on my personal experience). You've stunned my socks right off of me. What you wrote is so very accurate and is the experience of many people, including myself, who suffer severe chronic pain. WOW you covered it all and covered it well. You've provided some awesome suggestions. GEEZ Lady!! Thank you so much. :hug:

    E69; sorry for butting into your thread like that but i'm just stunned. It's not often i share my chronic pain issues and Molotov has an incredible understanding of it. It's rare that anyone ever truly understands. :hug: for you E69 I hope you find a treatment that helps your situation and do please keep sharing with us. :hug:
  14. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    Oh no, I don't want you to wait 40 years either. I should have put it better. I had pretty much given up hope of finding a correct diagnosis, and came across it when I didn't expect to. I was talking to a woman whose son has one of the symptoms I do, and she happened to mention that I had all the symptoms of one of the disorders her son had been tested for. So, she got me in touch with the NIH, and I was able to get the diagnosis. There was hope even when I didn't know it was there.

    Good luck with those alternative treatments. I will pray that you find that miracle too.
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