I have had it with this life. I am so mad at myself and i am mad at God right now. why God? Why did you allow me to have this cancer? Havent i been through enough already? Is this punishment from you because you hate me so much? Is it because i wanted to die and because i had tried to take my life that you allowed me this much pain?? is it like peter told me to take me away from the emotional pain i am in that you replaced it with physical pain? is it because others that never believed my heart problems in the past that you gave me this so i could be used as an example? so they could see me lying in a hospital bed so full of pain. Is this your idea of love? You want me to suffer like your son Jesus did for others? Is that what you want from me? I know you will not and can not answer me but i am hurting God. You say in your good book , the perfect law of liberty that you love us yet your people , your christian people have left me. They left me like they left your son Jesus. They left me in this pain. They left me hurting emotionally when i needed them the most they left me. They came into my life and walked out of it so easy. How could they do that? How could they just walk out of my life so easily? I was nothing to them. I was nothing at all. I am a human being made in your image. i have feelings. i hurt. i get sad. i cry. i feel. yet i am nothing to your people. I feel the pain Jesus felt. I feel the loneleness he felt. I feel the abandement he felt. Is this what you want me to feel? your christians , where are they at? where is the true christians who love you at? they come into my life, they leave then turn around and say it is love. That say it is tough love. they say it is disicipline but God you know what they are doing is not saving me but killing me. it is killing me in a slow agonizing death. it is killing me with an emotional death. they think they are helping me but they are hurting me. They think that to ignore me i will return to you but God that is not what i need. I need to know i am loved by you by anyone. They can not feel my pain yet it is very real. They can not understand that they are helping to kill me. God forgive them they know not what they are doing to me. They know not of the pain they inflict upon me and upon my heart. Those that joking say things or post things online know not of the pain they inflict upon me. Please do not hold them accountable for it for they know not what they do. How many times. How many times God have i cried out to you to others to just be loved and end up hurting and alone again? How many times have i asked for one person to be in my life that will be there when i need them. be there when i need to cry. when i need to laugh. when i need a hug. a helping hand. or just be there as a friend i can not even get your minister to forgive me. Your own minister left me hurting and in hard emotional pain. They were the world to me. they were like parents . like parents i never had. i was living in a fantasy world and now it is a world of pain. a world of loneleness. a world of fear that i may say or do something wrong that will cause others i may meet to drive away from me. a world that you created. a world that is not love anymore but so full of hate , so full of loneleness. so full of pain. i feel for everyone here at this site. i feel their hearts. i feel their pain. Why let it continue God? Why let others hurt? Why let me hurt?? i would give anything to take away everyones pain here, including my own. why is there no love? Where is the true christians at that love each other? God my faith is being tested at some many times through each day. it gets harder and harder to endure. Ease up on this pain God? This emotional pain and this physical pain is beyond what i can handle anymore. it is beyond just my emotions. it runs deep. deep inside my heart and it bleeds. my heart is bleeding. Bleeding to find love. to find friendship. How can i face lying in a bed dying with cancer? How can i endure it cause i am not that strong. i have no friends no loved ones to help me endure it. God just take my life just end this pain. let all these that come here quit suffering and take me. Let them go , let them be happy. God i can feel their pain. i can feel their loneleness. i can feel their fears. God take me away. Take me away from all pain. Put all their pain upon me. put it all upon my heart cause they deserve so much better and i deserve nothing. Give me all their pain. all their fears. Give me enough of it to take me away but do not let me die in vain. Let me take their pain with me. God i am angry with myself. I am angry that i can not be strong enough to go on. I am angry that i have no one. That my life is ended. That others hurt your son Jesus. I am angry that he suffered cause i feel his pain. i feel his loneleness. God Why???