I have hit it...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by planechaser, Oct 19, 2009.

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  1. planechaser

    planechaser Well-Known Member

    i dont think i have been this low before. not even when i have attempted suicide in the past. i dont think i have anything left in me. i went out to go have fun, and it did the complete opposite. just like everything else. i think im making a right decision and it turns out to be the wrong one. i have been very impulsive. going out and doing things without even thinking. i think the thing that really set this off was when my so called friends said that they would be here for me if i needed anything, and i go and tell them just how bad i am doing and they turn their backs on me. as if i am someone knocking at the door asking for help and they end up shutting it in my face. so now the one thing i am counting on the most is for people here to...talk with me..i really need to get thru this tonight or i honestly think thiis will be it for me...i have nobody else right now..everyone else has completely left my life..
     
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I encountered a lot of people who out of politeness, or intention of being soothing, or being an outright phony, say to call them if I need help. I don't call them. People want to think they are helpful but they really don't know what they are saying. Our society raises soft people.

    I'm glad you can come here to post. I'm glad I can come here to post. What do you need that you asked for help with tonight?

    :hug:
     
  3. Daydreams

    Daydreams Well-Known Member

    That's the whole reason I looked for a site like this (and thankfully found it), everyone I call a 'friend' doesn't want to know about it or just doesn't understand. My bf wont listen and has SAID he doesn't wanna know about it and I feel ashamed to talk to my parents.

    We're here for you!!! Spill your guts (not in the literal sense though cause that'd be very messy).

    :hug:
     
  4. planechaser

    planechaser Well-Known Member

    i really needed someone to talk to..someone that could come over and stay with me thru the night and would let me cry because i was ready to talk about everything. i have always kept things inside. i let things out little by little. but tonight i was ready to say it all and ended up getting the cold shoulder. and that hurts so damn bad. whenever i need people they suddenly are too busy and love to ignore me. why? why do people do that? if i take my life tonight, then they would ask themselves, why didnt i reach out to them and let them know what was going on? but i tried. i tried really hard. and i am trying really hard to hold on. i honestly am. but it is so hard to keep going on like this. i am so empty inside. a fake smile and laugh daily. 1 step forward and 10 steps backwards. i have such a big heart and have always been there for others even when i am in my time of need as well. why dont they be here for me? i am so frustrated over that! it feels like someone else is running my body and i am along for the ride
     
  5. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Is the local crises facility helpful? You can call them and tell them you cannot be alone tonight and see what they say. Perhaps there is an on call chaplain you can talk to?

    You can also post what you want to say here. It's not the same as having someone face to face, but you know many people here will understand.

    :hug:
     
  6. Daydreams

    Daydreams Well-Known Member

    People react differently and in often cases its the most surprising way.
    Perhaps they simply did not understand the severity of your cry for help? Or reacted badly because they didn't understand.
    Stay, talk to us, I'm certainly happy to listen and comment if thats what you need. Just keep in mind that although today seems really bad it doesnt mean they cant be better tomorrow.
     
  7. planechaser

    planechaser Well-Known Member

    Each day I wish for a better tomorrow. even if it was a good day. lately tho, the tomorrows have been becoming worse and worse. i try my hardest to make the most out of what i have. i am not greedy, i do not complain. i like to take things how they come to me. but, i just cannot keep taking the things that are given to me lately. a lot of the time i prefer the dream world to the real world. my dreams seem to have more of a meaning to them..strange as it sounds(even i wake up in the morning asking myself what just happend) i can control what happens in my dreams. but when i am awake i obviously cannot always control what happens, and most of the time that bothers me. especially lately since i have been making a lot of negative choices. i cant change them now, but when i dream i can. so to me, a better tomorrow is actually only in my dreams
     
  8. Daydreams

    Daydreams Well-Known Member

    Well, you have just as much control in real life as in your dreams, if not more. and you may have made some bad choices but they were choices and you cannot beat yourself up over that. It doesn't mean you will continue to make those mistakes.

    I find that people tend to focus more on the negative things they achieve in life and forget about the good things... even the small things. When was the last time you actually praised yourself about something? No matter how small?
     
  9. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I love my daydreams and all my pretend friends. They can be a great source of comfort when I need them.

    That said, what are you looking for in your tomorrows? What kind of decisions are you making? Do you make your decisions quickly? Do you have someone to talk to about options before you make decisions? If not, you can post it here or private message someone here before making a decision to explore options.

    You don't have to do this alone. :hug:
     
  10. planechaser

    planechaser Well-Known Member

    Im looking for a better day in the tomorrows. i do try finding the little things that make me happy..last time was getting a tattoo a week ago. i do not console with others on my decisions. i just make them..without thinking. which causes even more problems. i really dont have people to speak with about the decisions because they all seem to turn their backs on me when i need them.
    i havent spoken to anyone today. nobody has called to see how i am or to say sorry for not getting back to me..i have been laying in bed all day and night and crying. the waterworks just dont seem to stop. i can always find things to cry about even if they are small. i have been trying to think of happy times but i just cant seem to think of any
     
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