I have hit the perfect low.

[Forgotten_Man]

This seemed like the right forum for this thread.

Ok so I have always looked at myself with little self-worth, if any. And I think it is best for me to be that guy everyone knows they can use. You know they can exploit money and labor and whatever out of me and not expect anything in return. You know the guy who will be horribly abused by others in some ways and not care. And I will not care why? Because I hold no value in my own being.

You see I have no sense of self worth. I have been treated like shit all my life. And therefore I must be shit, so why fight the truth? So I am going to embrace it. That way I can be this numb mindless individual who does not kill himself. Mainly I just trapse along in life barely getting by.

Now why would I do this to myself you ask? Well to be honest I have failed at most everything in existence. And well I always get my confidence dashed whenever I fail. But I discovered, about 6 years ago, that if I don't believe in myself it massivly cushions the blow, to the point of where I almost don't feel it. You I have also noticed that people have been using me for years... long before my self-confidence dropped. And that they have never once wanted to pay me back, in fact they get mad if I ask. Well this only affected me minorly but it still pissed me off. But I should not be suprised really because that is the way I should be.

So basically I feel to remove all senses of disappointment and pain, which cause a good portion of my depression. I am going to expect that I am the most worthless pile of crap on the planet. I am only seeing the truth now it is weird really. I have been bringing down all the shit that has fallen on me mainly because I failed to see the truth about nature. I fought nature, and in turn I did not know my place and the world had to show me that rather difficultly. If I had only seen this earlier I would not be in this current state. now I feel incredibly stupid for not seeing it.

So yes I caused all my suicidal depression, why, because I believed that I am something I am not. A person who is worth more than the peice of gum stuck to my shoe. It is all so clear now, I mean I fought the world and the world was just showing me the truth. That is why I have been depressed and lonely and suicidal it is not that I am shy or unconfident. No no it is the fact that I am scum wasting space on this planet. Nature only tried to show me that. But I did not listen, and that is why I got depressed and eventually suicidal. It all makes so much more sense now. If I play my part as a joke in nature then I will not be suicidal or lonely or happy or anything I will just float along until I die of natural causes.

 

[Tatara]

I think a certain amount of satisfaction is derived from "making it" with problems such as ours. If you cushion the blow like you suggest then it really offers your life very little challenge and may take away what little satisfaction you get from knowing that through this all "you are a survivor".

To be able to think yourself into such depths you definately have a strong head on your shoulders intellectually, and many who don't understand would call it "flawed". I've reached a point similar to this a while ago where if I don't expect anything of myself then I'll never disappoint myself. Unfortunately though, I did put a very real limit on my capabilities by just beleiving them to be non-existant. The point is that we all do something well (wether you like it or not, wether it gives you disappointment or not, wether you choose to beleive it or not) and by taking that something away you are essentially leaving yourself with the 'nothingness' that you seem to be so afraid of, or that hurts you so much.

I don't think its the disappointment that hurts so much, its that nothingness at the bottom of the disappointment (IE: "I can't do anything right!!"). Once you train your brain to accept the nothingness then rather then feeling pain hardest when you expirience that disappointment you will feel a more dulled but longer-term pain. Which will be difficult to get around because in order to ever stop it you will have to re-establish your ability to even try, expirience the disappointment all over again and learn to cope with it.

It may seem easier now to throw away any expectations or to learn to devalue yourself before others can devalue you. However, doing so will make it much harder for yourself in the long run. Right now you can feel a little bit of pride knowing you can do this or do that well, you won't feel that anymore.

Sometimes we all need a break from our problems, but depression (and other mental illnesses) doesn't take vacations. These short periods of expecting a little more of yourself or feeling good about an ability you possess is the only breaks we really get. Even if its followed by a harsh pain I think its worth the tiny break. The other option is a long dull painful nothingness.

 

[Forgotten_Man]

I think a certain amount of satisfaction is derived from "making it" with problems such as ours. If you cushion the blow like you suggest then it really offers your life very little challenge and may take away what little satisfaction you get from knowing that through this all "you are a survivor".

To be able to think yourself into such depths you definately have a strong head on your shoulders intellectually, and many who don't understand would call it "flawed". I've reached a point similar to this a while ago where if I don't expect anything of myself then I'll never disappoint myself. Unfortunately though, I did put a very real limit on my capabilities by just beleiving them to be non-existant. The point is that we all do something well (wether you like it or not, wether it gives you disappointment or not, wether you choose to beleive it or not) and by taking that something away you are essentially leaving yourself with the 'nothingness' that you seem to be so afraid of, or that hurts you so much.

I don't think its the disappointment that hurts so much, its that nothingness at the bottom of the disappointment (IE: "I can't do anything right!!"). Once you train your brain to accept the nothingness then rather then feeling pain hardest when you expirience that disappointment you will feel a more dulled but longer-term pain. Which will be difficult to get around because in order to ever stop it you will have to re-establish your ability to even try, expirience the disappointment all over again and learn to cope with it.

It may seem easier now to throw away any expectations or to learn to devalue yourself before others can devalue you. However, doing so will make it much harder for yourself in the long run. Right now you can feel a little bit of pride knowing you can do this or do that well, you won't feel that anymore.

Sometimes we all need a break from our problems, but depression (and other mental illnesses) doesn't take vacations. These short periods of expecting a little more of yourself or feeling good about an ability you possess is the only breaks we really get. Even if its followed by a harsh pain I think its worth the tiny break. The other option is a long dull painful nothingness.

That is my ultimate goal, NOTHINGNESS. Though I am still far off of it but I want to get there. And I don't want to be a survivor. I am hoping that this drives me to kill myself or to get killed.... this rant was just the start. Look for a thread titled "The Forgottens Rant" in the Let it All Out subforum to see what spawned from it.