I have it all... but I don't want it.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Insomniac2012, Jan 28, 2014.

  1. Insomniac2012

    Insomniac2012 Member

    My family has given me nearly everything I asked for all my life. I am 20 now and off to college. My depression started in 7th grade approx. 13 y.o. I was an outcast of the cliques and eventually found 3 friends to tag along with. They were the bad kids, the troublemakers. They were no good and not really friends to me. I became sad realizing that I would a lonely kid. I never had good friends up to that point. The one kid on my street growing up moved(far away) when were like 5 or 6 and then I moved to a different school after 3rd grade. I didn't really have time to develop good friendships in 4th and 5th before getting dumped in the sea of a middle school that was 4 elementary's combined so I was thrown out of any "groups" I may have been trying to hang with. After 8th grade I went to a private school that had only a handful of students from my area. So I was unable to really make friendships outside of the halls of school. I ended up becoming good friends with one kid. He was one of the bigger troublemakers at this school but he was a good friend to me. I talked to him about my thoughts more than any guy ever, he even shared some of the same thoughts. We even made a suicide pact, that we would go out together someday. 11th grade, we got kicked out of school for smoking weed. We were caught and kicked out on the spot. We went our separate ways and weren't allowed to be friends. There was no hurt feelings, just mad parents. I had lost my only best friend. I took some time off and then restarted 11th grade at an online high school, no friends to be made there! 11th and 12th grade done online with no friends. I barely left the house. No one kept in touch with me from my private high school after i was kicked out. Very lonely. But amazingly I was actually at my least depression in years. The online school was easy and I didn't have to deal with people, no stress, little responsibility. I still cut about once a week/2 weeks during that time (started in 8th). Then I went to college. I was MISERABLE. I was lonely. I didn't know how to make friends. I didn't want to leave my room for no reason (to socialize) and I was so anti weed and booze and parties. It was a bad time. I cut A LOT. I met a girl shortly into the year. She lived next door to me, it was easy to meet her. She has helped me control my outward signs of depression like cutting. But I am dead on the inside. I stare off into the distance, I don't smile, I don't sleep yet I don't do much except lay in bed. My girl does bring out a light in me sometimes but a lot of the time I am just smiling to make her happy, make her feel like its going to all be okay. She knows how deep my depression gets. She knows how close to the edge I get. She gets scared that any day she could wake up and I'm just gone. So I try to look happy, for her sake (and in front of my room mates). Okay a couple things I didn't really work into this rant...
    Pertaining to the title... Every thing that my family gives me, gives me a short feeling of excitement. I get excited for new things but it doesn't last, at all. Nothing they give me generates any real happiness. Plenty of people would love to have what I have had handed to me. And It hurts me to know that I am wasting such a great life being ungrateful and unhappy. But, things don't = happy. I appreciate, so greatly, the sacrifices and love my family has given me. So I feel like I'm smacking them in the face with all of it when I am depressed and suicidal.
    I have been admitted 3 times to the hospital for suicide attempts since 8th grade. And I often<mod edit - method> but I always stop. I don't know if it's the rush coming so close to death or wanting to actually die and wimping out. It depends.
    My best friend from high school died on Jan 7th. I found out on the 9th. I don't know how it happened. I really want to know. It has been crushing me. He was the closest friend I've ever had. But we made a pact and when I hear what happened I want to join him wherever that may be.
    I don't know. I'm caught in this cycle of being depressed then feeling bad about being depressed then having a mental shutdown and falling behind in school so then I have to climb a mountain to get out of a valley. It's hard.

    Please ask me questions about me. I want to talk. It's 4:30am and i have class at 9:45am... good night haha.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 28, 2014
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Sorry it has been such a rough time for you. I am glad you posted here to share some of your story - may here can relate to a lot of it. I think part of the issue with finding lasting satisfaction and happiness from the things your parents and family have given you is that people cannot appreciate things that have come easily or that they feel they did not earn. Getting a car given to you as an example is great , but the first car you buy yourself means more for some reason.

    If you can get yourself more involved in your own life- setting goals and earning rewards for yourself based on your own goals you may find greater happiness in those things. I do not believe your friend wants you to join him - I doubt your first reaction at hearing he died was you being glad for him, and that would not be his reaction to you dying.

    Take Care and Be safe

    Ben