I have lost hope in life.

#1
So I have decided to post about my life story, and how I went from young teenager with dreams and goals in life to adult who has fucked up time and time again and now with no hope in life. A lot has happened, and it has all piled up into one giant mess, and I have nobody to blame but myself for it.

I am 18 years old, born and raised in southern California. I grew up playing soccer and had good grades in school. On paper, I have had a great life, and I am bound to be successful in life. Unfortunately, that is not the case for me right now. In fact, I am at the point in my life where I am giving up all hope.

Besides being a sporty person, I have always been into video games. I bring this up because that is when I met a woman in November of 2015, whose name, let's pretend her name is Sarah (I want the names to stay anonymous) the same age as me, online, through a group of friends on Skype who played the same game. Ever since Sarah got added into that group, there was a click between us. We both joked around, and had the same sense of humor. I soon decided to start private messaging each other, and next thing we know, we had feelings for each other, and I asked her out a week after we met. A little soon? Possibly. We then started Skyping on a regular basis and we continued to play the game in which we met at. Soon into the relationship, I found that Sarah was very mature for her age, and there was a large maturity gap between us. That started to show as I constantly annoyed her and even hurt her emotionally due to my immaturity. It started with thing such as me calling my ex hot, liking models' pictures on instagram, and watching porn regularly. She found all of this out and she was very hurt by it. Keep in mind, she sent me nudes and we even did webcam masturbation sessions on Skype, so I did not have a good reason to watch porn. Months after we started our relationship, she asked me to stop watching porn, and I did successfully for some time, but then I found myself watching more again. In July of 2016, I flew to Ohio, where she lives, and spent a few days with her before going back to California. It was amazing. We had a lot of fun, and we had really good chemistry going. There is only one problem: I had been lying to her about not watching porn, as I started watching it again. Not only that, but I continued to frustrate her with differences in maturity levels, Life went on though, and we still had great times. We would skype, play the game together and overall have a good time.

I flew to Ohio again during spring break of my senior year in April of 2016. At that time, she found a picture of a woman that I had saved on my phone that I had saved from months before and I completely forgot about it. It hurt her, and rightfully so, but we still had a good week together. Unfortunately, I still watched a couple of porn videos within the next 3 months, not a lot, but a few. I will get back to this later.

When I graduated high school, packed my stuff and moved to Ohio to live with Sarah and her parents. For the first week or 2, life was great. As tim went on however, my immaturity has gotten Sarah to the point of wanting to send me back to California. Things such as: not being able to perform basic tasks properly, playing video games instead of doing productive things (something that I instantly changed since the complaint), etc. It got to a point where she believed that I have ADHD, something I have never been diagnosed with, and after doing some extensive research, I have concluded that I do have ADHD and that I need to go to a doctor for a diagnosis, something which I am still yet to do. On top of all of that, she looked through my search history and found the searches I had made. On top of that, I did something very wrong which has haunted me ever since, and I admitted it to her: I had gone out of my way to go to one of her friend’s Instagram profile and, despite only being there for a few seconds, had gone there intentionally to look at her pictures for my pleasure. This scarred her and it still scars her to this day, but that is when I finally decided that enough is enough. I stopped looking stuff up entirely, and I made sure that I got her self esteem back up and my trust back, and it seemingly worked at times, but she would still bring up those times and how hurtful they were and still are.

On top of all of this, Sarah despises my parents - they do not get along. She thinks my parents are controlling, and that my mother is a narcissist. Sarah has anxiety and depression, and my mother at one point called Sarah crazy after an argument we had, and Sarah has never let that go. I agree with Sarah in the sense that my parents are controlling and have caused much stress upon me and Sarah. This along with my terrible decisions as mentioned above has led to a discussion between us and Sarah’s parents about me going back to California because of everything that has happened. I had already had my stuff packed, and all I needed to do was to buy a plane ticket back to California. Basically, this whole situation stemmed from my immaturity, to me stressing everyone out in the family (including Sarah’s brother, who is autistic, and does not like me at all because of my annoying character traits as well as being a little competitive when we played video games together at one point), to the stress that my family has put on Sarah and her family. Everything built up, and the next thing I know, Sarah grabs a bottle of Ibuprofen, runs to the bathroom before I can get to her, and swallows a handful of them. She then screamed for help and for someone to call 911, and I did immediately. I was with her outside and I was holding her hand and crying saying “I don’t want you to die!” She was taken to the hospital, and her mother and I were there for her the entire time. Luckily, she was okay, but she was taken to a mental health facility where she was said to be needed there for up to 72 hours. Now, here is where it gets ugly again…

That same night, right before she was taken to the mental health facility, one of the doctors said that she cannot take her cell phone with her, and that she will use the phones in the facility. Being the person I am, this went through one ear and out the other, which is another habit of mine that Sarah gets frustrated by, as it happens often. Sarah’s mother took me home, and the first thing I did was worry about Sarah, and so I sent Sarah a long wall of text showing my concern and love for her, completely unaware that she did NOT take her phone with her to the facility. The next morning, I started to unpack my stuff as we decided to give it another chance, and the first things I unpacked were my Wii and laptop from my backpack. At that moment, I remember talking to my mother, and Sarah’s mother telling me to get ready and that we were leaving in 20 minutes. So, being the person I am, I was thinking we were just visiting her. I finish the conversation with my mother, who I should not even have been talking to in the first place, and I get ready. We leave, and during the car ride, Sarah calls her mother and they talk for a bit, then I talk to Sarah and asked “Oh, you’re getting out already, nice!” despite everyone else knowing she already was. Her mother also asked me, in a disappointing manner, “Why have you not asked me about how Sarah is doing, yet?” And I answer by saying that I sent her a long text message showing my concern for her, but only then did I find out that she never even took her phone with her. After Sarah got picked up and after we returned home, Sarah saw the mess in the room, and was furious with me, saying “I just wanted to have a good time, I did not want to come home to more stress!” Days after that incident, we decided that it was truly best for me to return to California. I bought a ticket, and I packed my stuff. She deleted all of our pictures and pictures of me, she threw away everything that reminded her of me, and it all seemed to be over. I sadly obliged, and returned back to California…

Unfortunately for us, there was one more thing that happened that sealed the deal for us. We still messaged each other for a few weeks and we played the game together sometimes. I offered her a dirty session and she refused, but a few days later she offered me one, and I remember showering at the time. I came back, said I would like to do one, and she said she already did it herself. Days went by without any sort of pleasure, and I decided.. To look something up, something homosexually related (I am bicurious), and I admitted this to Sarah. She was finally fed up with me, and for days and days, she either ignored me, called me out and told me how much of a horrible person I am (which I won’t deny), or just give me remarks showing her frustration with me.

Update 11/22/17. Yesterday was supposed to be our 2-year anniversary, but it was very sadly cut short. Furthermore, I have been suicidal because of my mistakes as well as because of the guilt and the thought of scarring her. I have self harmed several times while with her and while back here. I have punched myself in the face when tensions rose, I have punched myself in the arms and thighs very hard before, I have thought of starving and/or dehydrating myself but never did. I have thought of swallowing pills but never did. But now.. Today, as I am typing this, I swallowed a mouthful of mouthwash about an hour ago because of built-up tension between us, as she first sent me a bunch of pictures of “hot” girls on Instagram which I paid absolutely no attention to and am not interested at all, and she continually pressured me to admit that I like it. Then she proceeded to say that her ex was a thousand times a better of a person than me and even said that her next boyfriend will hate me, hug me and say that he’s sorry that she ever had to put up with m. At that particular moment, I lost ALL control of my emotions and actions, ran straight to the bathroom, grabbed a Listerine bottle and swallowed an entire mouthful of it. Now, I refuse to tell my parents anything and I refuse to go to the doctor, despite wanting help.

I am left with many questions at this point, and I am desperately seeking help. What do I do about my possible ADHD? What do I do to try to patch up my relationship? How can I stop being a compulsive liar? What do I do in terms of stopping these thoughts of suicide? Sarah meant everything to me, and I really want a future with her. The thought of starting over with someone else sickens me to my stomach, and I feel like I will never be happy again, and if I am, still single.
 
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#3
Sorry to hear that you are going through this

Have you tried seeing a therapist? You would have to see a clinician who can make a diagnosis to find out if you have ADHD or not.

The best way to try to get your relationship back, imho, is to work on yourself and try to learn to be ok out of a relationship. Maybe try to reduce porn and video games, and do something like exercise or meditate. Trying to pursue a relationship with Sarah while she is feeling hostile to you is probably counterproductive.
 
#4
I'm sorry to hear this. This must be really rough.
First off, you're only human. We're all different. We all have demons. No matter what these demons may do to your head, you're still just mortal.
(no I'm not religion, this is just how I speak.);)
I think it would be best if you got in touch with a therapist, this is something that they can totally help.
If still don't want to, then at least listen to me for a bit.
If you really love Sarah, then don't give up on her. If you can't tell her all this, then have her simply read this forum. Sarah should know that she's the one you want, but you just have a few problems (I'm sorry if that sounded rude:oops:). If Sarah really likes you in return, then she'll be there for you, and you both can get through this together. Yet, maybe she isn't the right one. That'll be hard to accept, but sometimes that's the case. If that's the case, then you'll have to move on in life and improve yourself.
From what I read, Sarah seems like patience person. Maybe she'll be willing to give you another chance.
Honestly, I think you should talk to her, or simply let her read this. Since it already has all of your feelings.
I hope everything works out in the end.:D
 

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