I have lost the drive to change anything...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by randomguy9, Aug 31, 2011.

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  1. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity Chat Pro

    I have always felt suicidal... I have always wanted to die. I have always thought it would be by my own hand....

    But there was a drive to improve my life that just... has fucking dissapeared.

    I look back on my high school years... I remmeber one AP class that I was willing to give up fun, sleep, and everything else in the name of betterin myself for... working my ass off and still failing should have been the end.

    I remember a time where in sports I was willing to work harder then anyone else... and that brought me home a trophy*... Today, I just do not have that in me.

    I remember graduateing high school... I should have ended it before hand... I didnt know what my career would be then why the fucking hell was I stupid enough to belive I would ever? Those who are destined for greatness know it early.

    In college... I used to have the drive to fight my ass off for those grades... All nighters? Missing events? No problem... I could do it in the name of making my life better.

    Today none of that... I have no competative fire... I once had a drive to fight on and beat those who were gentically gifted or better then me. '

    I once could take my not wanting to do something and say "fuck you... doing this will be all worth it no matter what I sacrifice now". I could force myself to study for hours... to do jobs I hated... to deal with my family member/boss that has a way of pushing my buttons despite his best efforts.

    I now have no energy... I have no desire to fight through another semester... I am fucking sick of reading those damned textbooks... I was suposed to be done with that and making good money by now. I am sick of the damned process of taking notes... I have no desire to write something down that is allreay there... So many people can learn so much better from books then I can... What is the point if I know they will graduate in 4 years while I am looking at being 30 at minimum before I get out of fuckign school...

    I don't know how to go on... whatever htat "it" factor is that gets people to fight to make it in the world is just gone... lost... I used to have "it" but when nothing has helped better me so far... and there is no reason to belie it will...

    What is the point of fighting on? A life where the only thing to look forward to is football and a video game release (oh wait... I can't pay for that myself) is not a life worth living... I want out... if life can't improve I want out of it...

    sorry for my rant...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOU rant away hun okay you sound so overwhelmed with life so tired of the battle hun. Can you take some time off of your studies to get some help to deal with your depression. Perhaps talk to a councillor at your school and see if there is any tutoring that can help you hun so you do not feel so frustrated.
    You may have to decrease your work load some as well. You are looking to far ahead hun just look at each day okay and chose what needs to be done to get through it hugs
  3. Cowburn

    Cowburn Well-Known Member

    I wish I could tell you why we should carry on but I don't even know myself.

    For the last year I've struggled to be motivated to do even the smallest of tasks, I'm now reaching almost a year of unemployment with no end in sight. I don't even look forward to things anymore, each day just passes me by as I sit and make no effort to change my life.
  4. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    maybe its because you havent felt succes or dont feel like you have acomplished something in a long time and that now makes you feel incompetent and now you feel like why bother since i cant do anything and you lost the energy? is there something small a small goal you can set yourself that would make you feel good if you accomplished it? maybe that can get your energy back. oh and if you are a guy it could be low testosteron, do you sleep enough?
  5. otiose

    otiose Member

    Well FWIW, you are not alone. I totally understand the feeling of losing all motivation. Like the Blood for Blood song says "There's no will left to better myself..."

    You still have not failed enough to meet my level of Ultimate Loserdom. So even if you lose motivation for a long time, you are not alone. There will still be a Bigger Loser out there.

    I have no advice to give. Cheer up? Fuck that. Turn that frown upside down? Whatever.
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