I Have Never Felt Pain Like This

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by alyssaswoon, Oct 15, 2012.

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  1. alyssaswoon

    alyssaswoon Well-Known Member

    I've been in intense pain before but nothing like this.
    Me and my fiancee are taking time apart (most likely because of my depression) and I can't do a thing to make it better. I feel completely hopeless. We were supposed to go to a local shelter together tomorrow to adopt a dog, but he's decided now he's going alone, and it's killing me. I can't do anything to make this better, the pain won't stop. He doesn't want to see me and won't give me a time in the future when he may see me again and I simply don't have the strength to painfully wait day after day.
    I'm a horrible person and I do deserve to die, last night I came so close, I wish I had just gone through with it now because the pain gets more and more intense with each passing moment.
    Even in my dreams all that happens now is death. Me watching my loved ones die and not being able to do a thing about it, then I end up dying as well. I've died in my sleep more times in the last week than I have in my entire life.
    I give nothing to the people who are around me, I'm a burden to my family and I'm pushed away by the people who tell me that they'll "always care about me". I don't want to be here anymore, anything is better than feeling like this. So unwanted and unloved.
    I've been beating myself up mentally and physically for days, it's the worst it's ever gotten. I'm bruised and cut to ribbons and I still feel just as horrible as every last moment I'm sitting here alive. I feel like death is my logical next step.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 15, 2012
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun i hear you hun and i wish that you would take yourself into hospital and tell them you need help ok. Show your fiance you are willing to do anything to get out of that dispair you are in show him you are strong enough to get help when you need it. You go to hosptial and tell them you are suicidal and you need help ok they will give you in hospital support to get you strong again. Do that for YOU and for your fiance ok He is right hun you need to get stable before any marriage can happen it has to start on a strong foot hold ok hugs
  3. Suisingle

    Suisingle Account Closed

    Hi Alyssa. I'm not exactly qualified to address your feelings, as I'm on the edge myself. But you are young, with your whole life ahead. Depression often ruins relationships, it has ruined several of mine. Wish I'd gotten more (or better) help long ago. Hopefully you are receiving some form of treatment and will work things out with your fiancee. If he loves you he will understand your struggles. Sometimes we all need a break or a breather... time to step back and think things through. Hopefully this time apart will strengthen your relationship rather than ruin it. Hang in there and best wishes.
  4. alyssaswoon

    alyssaswoon Well-Known Member

    As the night progresses it just keeps getting worse.
    I feel as though I'm the reason for all the pain in everyone's (the people that surround me) life and it's just being confirmed over and over. I'm the cause of stress and pain for people who don't deserve it. I want it all to end.
  5. Mayflower7

    Mayflower7 Banned Member

    Hi Alyssa,
    Please visit your Dr for a medication review. It will get better, does your boyfriend try to control everything you do.
    If so explain to him don't like being treated that way, does your family bully you.?If they are break away from the situation
    As to harmful to stay in. You are not horrible and have special qualities. Everyone does, try doing some small tasks each day to break the cycle of depression.
    Take care you can get better.
  6. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    Hi, you need to be with other people, family and friends. He is clearly not able to support you at this particular time, he doesn't understand depression and seems frightened by it. Go to the docs and get some meds to help settle you. Find a good therapist and do some research into the causes of suicidality. Eat well, exercise, and above all be very, very gentle with yourself.

    God Bless
  7. alyssaswoon

    alyssaswoon Well-Known Member

    Thank you everyone that responded.
    Last night I did attempt suicide but the bleeding was stopped before it was too late. I still feel all the self-loathing I always seem to feel, but I got an upped dose of my antidepressants and a new therapist to see very soon. I really hope it helps this time.
  8. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi alyssa - so glad to hear that you got some new help hun; have looked at your Tumblr page and my - you're talented! :) You are a creative artist and as such feel things very deeply..... I think that 'liking to try new things' can include agreeing to find some deeper insights to dwell on that will start to help heal your mental/emotional pain and anguish. Because what we tell ourselves actually governs how we feel hun. If we want to feel better, we must start to think better, it's a simply equation. But I do also totally understand, not easy.

    This is why we need support - of a good therapist and SF :sf:

    We are all here for you, ready to cheer you on and say "Great, hun!!" . So, to begin...it's great that you're here with us and have a new therapist honey :)
  9. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    I know it does not sound like much and certainly not a real answer to your question (I am sorry!) but the way it hurts now, I know it can be impossible to handle at times, but you should hold it back and embrace it, because while it hurts now, even if you feel that it will never end, there is always an end to everything. The only problem between them and now is the waiting game, something you have to go through before it gets better.
    I am sorry, that all I can suggest is that you try and live each day one day at time with these feelings and one day, you will be able to wake up with a renewed sense of hope and joy.

    It is a cliche, I know, but life is full of the bad and the god and you cannot live a worthwhile life without experiencing pain. It comes with being alive and it makes you all the better for it, if you will one day be use to use your to your advantage so that you can avoid repeating such hardships in the future.
  10. alyssaswoon

    alyssaswoon Well-Known Member

    Thank you guys so much, really.
    Today I just sat home and thought about my feelings (sounds corny I know), and I feel much better about it all. I was at rock bottom the other night and it really felt hopeless, so I just used that as a comparison to make me say, "Hey, at least today isn't as bad as yesterday" and it put me in a positive mood.
    Yes it may be cliche, like you said Leif, but taking it one day at a time as opposed to thinking, "my future looks so bleak" is much easier on my emotions and overall well being. Today was above average to me, because I didn't find anything that upset me to the point of tears, and that's a step in the right direction. I hope I can keep myself on this path, and I honestly do appreciate every message from you all, having people to relate to takes some of the weight off of my shoulders.
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