I have never felt this bad before...

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by iwanttolovemyself, Jul 2, 2016.

  1. I need someone to talk to so bad, who doesn't know me. No one understands the feelings I have towards myself. I hate everything about myself. Its like everyday I find something new I hate. I'm 38 years old, in debt, with a dead end job. I can't go back to school because I would need a student loan. Unfortunately when i was younger i let my old student loan go to collections. I can't seem to keep a man in my life longer than a couple months. My longest relationship was in my early 20's and that was 4 years off and on. I try to keep my crazy thoughts to myself. Unless its a really close friend, no one knows how i really feel. I find fault in everything. I want to be happy but have no idea how to do that. I'm starting to look my age and I have nothing to show for it. I feel like i need all this plastic surgery to look ok. There isn't one feature I have that I like. Anyways, I'm seriously messed up right now and I feel like the only way out is just ending it all. Living seems so torturous. The thought of suicide makes me feel at peace. How do I stop these crazy thoughts in my head?
  2. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    iwant, sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. Life can be brutal at times. But it is still precious. I am 64, never married, no pension and in a dead end job. I have more wrinkles, sagging, and grey hair then I care to think about. It all kind of comes with aging. Never really considered plastic surgery, because I believe its what's inside that counts. I totally get how difficult it is to discuss stuff like this with people. It seems it has to be someone close, or a complete stranger. But you have found a great place. Everyone here has wanted to end it all. And a lot still want to. Most of us have little love for ourselves and have experienced some pretty horrible life situations. So I hope you will keep posting. You will find a very supportive group of people here. People who do understand. And the chat room is a great place to go to have a live conversation with people. Its a sad world that needs a site like this. But I am glad you have found it. It is open 24 hours a day.
    CGMAngel likes this.
  3. Thank you very much for your reply. I appreciate what you've said. I am very glad I found this site. Its hard to see the bright side of things at the moment. I get what you mean about whats on the inside that counts. I just can't make myself believe that about myself. Growing old scares me so much. Its one of my biggest fears and theres no way to stop it. aside from suicide of course. I have the mind of a 20 something person and thats how old i feel and when i look in the mirror I see someone much older than that. I've always been immature for my age. I used to love taking pics and now the camera scares me and I can barely look at myself in the mirror. sometimes I'll catch a good angle and think i look good and then I take a photo and see a monster and have to delete it. Any pics that I have recently posted have filters on them. I really want to accept myself for how i am. I have no idea how to do that or if its possible. I have googled ways to end it but haven't actually tried anything as of yet. I do think about my loved ones and what they would go through. I know it sounds awful but I wish something would kill me. cancer, car accident, a meteor! You said life is precious. I want to believe that.
  4. Deety

    Deety Well-Known Member

    Hi, just wanted to say you're not alone. I'm not in a good place right now to talk much more, but keep posting here and looking for ways to make things better.
  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, welcome to the forum. I read you story but you are among people who understand and care about you. Doing the final commitment is not the answer. As you say your are in debt, have you spoken to a debt counsellor or seek medication for the way you feel. Life is important and that does include YOU.

    Please keep talking as you are important to us and we try our best to help YOU.
  6. thank you for replying even though you're not doing that well either. I'm here if you ever need to chat.
  7. Hi,
    Yes I have tried various medications for the way I feel. I find they didn't work for me, at least the ones I've been on. I also tried counselling and it seemed to help for a bit. but you're only given 10 sessions for free. I can't go to an actual therapist because those aren't covered for me. it would be pretty expensive. I haven't tried a debt counsellor yet no. I can't even get out of bed at the moment. I have to force myself to even leave the room to use the bathroom. I wish i could go to sleep forever instead of dealing with all this. Maybe a nice coma.
  8. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    I have dealt with death wishes for many years. Interestingly, whenever I am really ill, I find that I really don't want to die. I just want to feel better. The problem with wishing something would kill you, is that there just aren't many good ways to die. It seems like suffering is a prerequisite to death.
    Every once in a while I play a little game. I have been told it is not a nice game. But it helps me. Make a trip to the mall, stand at a bus stop and watch the people, anywhere you go take a look at those around you. And ask yourself how many of them are really good looking. Very few of us are model or movie star handsome or beautiful. And even the models and movie stars need their makeup artists. Most of us are just normal, run of the mill flawed people.
  9. that is great advice! and it's only not nice if you were saying stuff out loud to them or about them! lol I find social media to be bad sometimes for making me feel bad. looking at how others live their lives and it looks like they're lives are so perfect and happy. I know its not possible to have the perfect life. But I have friends that seem to have it all together and i don't get it. I can't seem to adult very good
  10. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    You are so right. No one has a perfect life. People put on a good front so we think all is well with them. But I doubt that all is well with anyone. Challenges and down times confront us all. I bought a little sign yesterday. It reads "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's abut learning to dance in the rain."
  11. My dad has one of those signs in his house. great sign. I want to feel like that. I get so sad sometimes I can't get past it
  12. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    It is a cool sign. But it is much easier to read, then it is to live. I don't do very well at living it.
  13. DadzTruk

    DadzTruk Member

    I don’t know you or anything about you, but we have all had some bad feelings about ourselves at some point in life. I’m not a doctor, but I think it’s OK to experience those feelings momentarily in some circumstances. We just can’t decide to stay there. There doesn’t seem to be many great jobs out there any more so although it may sound like a cliché, be thankful you have an income. I work with homeless people and the ones who really want off the street are willing to do any type of job just to know they will have food for another day.

    I’m not discounting how you feel at all, just try to start looking at the positive things going on in your life. I lost my business at the age of 37 when the economy went upside down in 2008 / 2009. I lost my life savings, had business related debt out the roof, zero income and a wife and four kids at home to be responsible for. I had worked my way up through companies (with no college education) until I was able to start my own small company. I lost “everything” except my home and vehicle. My joy left, my self-respect left, my credit was ruined, I felt like my reputation was ruined. I sent out over 100 resumes with no one interested in interviewing me because I didn’t have a college degree. I finally found a job that paid decent. After stepping into a new role a few years ago, I’m finally making OK money and my credit doesn’t look as bad as it did. We’re still surviving.

    For 2 years after closing the business, I was in a deep dark hole. Couldn’t stand to look at myself in the mirror because I was ashamed of being such a failure. Didn’t want to go anywhere or talk to anyone. Miserable would have been an improvement over where I was. Thankfully, I didn’t give up. I’m not going to preach to you, but I will tell you that God is the only reason I survived. I know everyone has their own beliefs and some won’t agree with me and that’s their choice, but developing my relationship with Him was the only thing that began to give me peace and hope. I had lost all hope and when I began to have hope again, I started feeling alive. I won’t lie and say everything is as good as it used to be. I still don’t have all the joy I used to, but I’m working on it.

    All I can say is that suicide is never the answer to our problems. It only creates problems and heartache for others. Even if we feel that no one cares or no one would notice, there are many who will be crushed. I’ve had friends who had family members commit suicide and their lives were forever damaged. Find a hobby. Go to a park, go walking, join a club – do something. Just get moving and get your mind off life. Try to stop always focusing on what you don’t have or what is wrong and intentionally make an effort to see what is good in your life. I am LIVING proof that life will get better. You just have to start moving towards that better life. Be intentional. I’ll be praying for you that joy, peace and hope will begin to show up in your life from every direction.