I have never

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by einahpets08, Jan 5, 2008.

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  1. einahpets08

    einahpets08 Member

    felt so alone in my whole life as I do tonight.
    I really hope my boyfriend doesn't find this; I've a suspicion he might.
    And I've been hiding this from him.
    I'm quite a cliche and I really detest myself more for it. I'm a teenage girl, bright, relatively good grades, got an offer from Oxford, but also have the classic EDNOS problems and loneliness that only intense pressure and being excluded for whatever reason from your peers will do to you.
    I tried to kill myself before, but it was a while ago and I really thought my life was getting back on track. I was doing well at school, had good friends... but then something hit me again and now I just feel alone. I see a potential future, but I think whatever I achieve I'm still going to be unhappy deep down because I feel so... not even actively disliked. More un-liked, if I was allowed to make up a word for it.
    I can't tell my friends about any of this because I don't feel close enough to any of them to cross that horrible first step into saying I have a problem and it's got so bad I want to die.
    I can't tell my boyfriend because he's depressed and has been suicidal for a while and, in the most stupid way, I'd feel like I was either adding to his pressures or... almost stealing his thunder. He, a few of my friends and of course my family are the only people I love enough to stay for, but I had a fight with him this morning and I feel like I'm eliminating the last few people who do care about me (and in a sense of for ME, not for human compassion.)
    It's stupid, I know... I've come beyond logic. It's a shame. I always thought logic was infallible.
    Thank you for just letting me air my views.
    I'm not sure if I'll do it or not tonight.
    But at least I had a chance to say that.
  2. black orchid

    black orchid Well-Known Member

    I can understand what you are saying about the situation with your bf, as my relationship with my bf is suffering for the same reason. He suffers with depression and gets suicidal at times. i am there for him to talk to 24/7 whenever he needs it but i don't have a person that i can talk to as if i talk to him, i feel like i am making him feel even worse, and tbh the things i need to talk about are his problems and my fears about him.

    So in relation to that i can't say to you do this or do that because if i knew what to do i'd be doing it!

    But i can assure you that you are not alone and there are a lot of people who care for you, even though it doesn't always feel like it, and if you were to end it all their lives would never be the same (and i don't mean they'd be better).

    If you want to talk my MSN is panicmania@hotmail.com.
  3. einahpets08

    einahpets08 Member

    Thank you; the problem with my boyfriend is that we can both be thoughtless when we're miserable, and our fights tend to escelate... I know I can't be easy to deal with sometimes. I hope we sort things out after today, as I really do love him and care for him a lot as a friend as well as a boyfriend. I know I should just talk to him, but I really don't want to add anymore to his plate. I've not spoken to him since our fight today, and I really hope he's okay.
    Maybe I should try saying all of this to him instead of here...
    It really helps to hear someone say what you just did; to know others know what I'm going through.
    Thank you.
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I'm sorry to hear that both you and your boyfriend are suicidal einahpets. Have you two tried going to counseling before? Please don't do anything drastic tonight. We're here to help if you need to talk.
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