I have absolutly no choice but to go on and end this stupid pathic life of mine.. i mean really , you tell me what choice do i got to stay here? i mean really.. if you honestly look at it you can see that my past will forever haunt me.. its not going to end ever... and all those ministers and preachers and everyone else will tell you. hey you get saved, you get baptized, you return to the Lord and your past is wipped clean.. but its not.. it really is not.. yes i have a past.. a past im not proud of. a past i wanted to stay buried forever because i had changed my life around.. because i have problems that i am trying to work through, hurts that i am trying to heal and for what? so someone can come and destroy it?? I have friends here or so i think?? but what happens when those that claim to be my friends go to another site that i visited like several months or years ago, base that part of my life upon the person i am now and judge me by my past then where will that leave me? i tell you where. it will leave me alone , hurting, etc.. i have no choice but to take my own life.. i mean i can do it.. i did it once before and almost succeeded.. i have tried 3 other times that never came nearly as close as the last one did.. i cant put my trust in anyone.. because i was so stupid and so dumb to trust one person.. i mean litterly one dang person, now the whole community knows where i come for support, most log on here to diliberatly hurt me.. as with what happened tonight.. so what? i made a stupid mistake.. i dont read the other forum just dropped by to pm a friend or so i thought , found out i could not pm and then what happens, i given with knowing they hate me there and have never given back my privilage to post, but yet did not take away the other persons right to post who was also involved so naturally i thought they had blocked my pms to be mean.. but then i get a pm from the admin telling me that it was something global with them so i come online here to correct it and i get bashed for even posting something that upset me in the let it out forum?? i mean thats what the let it out forum is for is it not?? to let things out that are bothering you... no one wants me here and i dont do any good to even be here cause i cant help anybody else.. i cant even help myself.. i thought i could.. part of me wanted to try and live.. that part of me was fighting so hard but it is now time to let that part that wants to live to just go.... over the last 2 months i have lost more then anyone would even know.. i have always tried to be good to others.. i know thats hard to understand but i have. my brother was homeless so i let him move into the bigger home i had gotten for myself.. i give when i shouldnt but when i am at a store and i see anyone who doesnt have enough to buy or pay for their grociers, i give to them and put things back that i need.. and where has it gotten me today? no where.. i basically have nothing.. i really have nothing when it comes down to it i have nothing... im not worthy to be here with everyone else, cause theres always going to be someone coming in and bringing up my past.. the only way to end it is if i leave.. totally leave this world for good.. i have no choice.. none ..