I have no choice

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by White Dove, Nov 30, 2007.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    I have absolutly no choice but to go on and end this stupid pathic life of mine.. i mean really , you tell me what choice do i got to stay here? i mean really.. if you honestly look at it you can see that my past will forever haunt me.. its not going to end ever... and all those ministers and preachers and everyone else will tell you. hey you get saved, you get baptized, you return to the Lord and your past is wipped clean.. but its not.. it really is not..

    yes i have a past.. a past im not proud of. a past i wanted to stay buried forever because i had changed my life around.. because i have problems that i am trying to work through, hurts that i am trying to heal and for what? so someone can come and destroy it??

    I have friends here or so i think?? but what happens when those that claim to be my friends go to another site that i visited like several months or years ago, base that part of my life upon the person i am now and judge me by my past then where will that leave me? i tell you where. it will leave me alone , hurting, etc..

    i have no choice but to take my own life.. i mean i can do it.. i did it once before and almost succeeded.. i have tried 3 other times that never came nearly as close as the last one did.. i cant put my trust in anyone.. because i was so stupid and so dumb to trust one person.. i mean litterly one dang person, now the whole community knows where i come for support, most log on here to diliberatly hurt me.. as with what happened tonight.. so what? i made a stupid mistake.. i dont read the other forum just dropped by to pm a friend or so i thought , found out i could not pm and then what happens, i given with knowing they hate me there and have never given back my privilage to post, but yet did not take away the other persons right to post who was also involved so naturally i thought they had blocked my pms to be mean.. but then i get a pm from the admin telling me that it was something global with them so i come online here to correct it and i get bashed for even posting something that upset me in the let it out forum?? i mean thats what the let it out forum is for is it not?? to let things out that are bothering you...

    no one wants me here and i dont do any good to even be here cause i cant help anybody else.. i cant even help myself.. i thought i could.. part of me wanted to try and live.. that part of me was fighting so hard but it is now time to let that part that wants to live to just go....

    over the last 2 months i have lost more then anyone would even know.. i have always tried to be good to others.. i know thats hard to understand but i have. my brother was homeless so i let him move into the bigger home i had gotten for myself.. i give when i shouldnt but when i am at a store and i see anyone who doesnt have enough to buy or pay for their grociers, i give to them and put things back that i need.. and where has it gotten me today? no where.. i basically have nothing.. i really have nothing when it comes down to it i have nothing...

    im not worthy to be here with everyone else, cause theres always going to be someone coming in and bringing up my past.. the only way to end it is if i leave.. totally leave this world for good.. i have no choice.. none ..
     
  2. urban_lily

    urban_lily Well-Known Member

    you are worthy to be here....it's hard to have a past that you're not proud of (I so know that!) but you can change and if people dont believe you have then bollocks to them....you do have a choice and it's not worth letting these people get to you....do they really know you? If they cant let go of the past and forgive then maybe they arent worth knowing or worrying about.

    Please dont hurt yourself ok :hug:
     
  3. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    Hey honey. :hug:

    I feel for you. My heart breaks for you. I know what you're saying and I wish I could take away your pain. We all have pasts we're not proud of, all of us, White Dove, all of us. We try to not let it haunt us, swallow us, take us over... but sometimes it does.

    I'm your friend here. At least... I hope I am. And about the PM thing- totally understandable. I probably would have freaked out a little too, and bashing is totally horrible...

    I want you here. Right now, you're the only person who listens to me. My IRL friends won't. I come here hoping to see you, because you're my friend.

    I have gone through a lot lately, too. Nothing as bad as you, but I've had my fair share of pain and hatred...

    The PM box is open, sweetie. Love you, take care, and hold on. :hug:
     
  4. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Susan, you promised not to try to take your life again. Your Cancer is also not spreading. Please, please continue treatment and fight for yourself. I cannot answer the questions you have about your life and your destiny, but there IS a reason for your troubles, but if you believe in God then you also believe that there is a reason for your trials and you need to accept them. Please hang on Susan. :hug:
     
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I don't care about some past. It is just that, the past. You can't change it or erase it, it's just there. You can't do anything about the future because nobody knows what it is. So you can only make changes in the present. And that 's where we are now. All I see is somone in a lot of pain and I hurt for you. I hate to see people suffering from their demons. So why not take the chance at a fresh start. Put some trust in the members here. So far they all seem to want the same thing, to end the pain and to help others end theirs too. Yes, trusting people isn't easy. I learned from many years of trying to trust you usually get burned for it. But in here it is different. We all have something in common. Either needing help or wanting to give it or both. But it all boils down to pain. If someone else wants to keep bringing up the past then let them. If you are willing to let someone help you here then maybe your past wont be so haunting and the ones who keep trying to hurt you with it, won't be able to anymore. Please try.
     
  6. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    but there in my same town i live in.. its a local forum.. there all friends with each other.. they dont understand my pain.. they just dont understand.. i absolutly have no choice.. i really dont have a choice..

    yeah the will come on here and see this post and say hey shes starting drama again.. plain old typical me... i could just hear them now.. i can bet you they will be pming you to say hey, come over to this site read what she wroite there etc.... turn you and everyone else against me.. i know of 2 from here who have turned against me because they listened to them.. they said they would never leave me but they did leave me.. they did leave me..

    i was already feeling bad as it was when i found out i made a mistake about that in the let it out section so i come online here to correct the mistake but no.. i was beaten to it , someone just had to jump in and hurt me.. i sent the admin there a pm but more then likely my apologiy will go unheard, they will probably talk ill with me and things like well we hate you etc.. thats why i havent checked my email anymore.. i just know there talking about me behind my back at those forums, telling others im mean, etc..

    im just trying to survive.. to get out of this stupid depression but the only way out is to end it.. i am begining to see that now.. its the only way..
     
  7. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    i know i promised you that and im sorry cause i think i made a promise i dont think i can keep...

    my cancer... they will want me proving that next... when will it ever be enough.. i mean i just lost everything.. everything presiouse to me was burnt up and the guy is going to get away with it.. he is going to just walk away... and theres not a dang thing i can do about it.. except take the law into my own hands and then where does that leave me , besides in a heap of trouble my own self...

    i will post a link to the photo of my burnt out mobile home so you all can see that it is all gone.. everything that ever meant anything to me is gone.. the two people that meant the most to me left me, they just did not care or love me like i loved them.. i have no choice... i can do it.. i have the guts to... i just gotta do a few things first.. i know one thing there will be no warning to anyone around me, no note left behind.. it will just happen, just happen...

    God i cant stop crying right now.. i just cant... i want my mobile home back.. i want the photos back.. i want my grandmas organ back. i want my trophies back.. i won them at the fair for my mom.. now its gone..

    everything gone now...
     
  8. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    its over...

    my life is totally over with
     
  9. wordman

    wordman Member

    STOP IT!

    If you don't want them to bother you, then leave.

    Why kill yourself when you can just move away?
     
  10. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni

    :hug: Dovie. I don't want you to die. Stay and we can talk again some time in the chat.
     
  11. Smashed__

    Smashed__ Well-Known Member

    I don't know your mistakes, doubt I ever will.
    MOVE ON.

    I don't know anything about you, but I don'tthink you should kill yourself over a forum. I am cancer free last time I checked, so please continue treatment. If my next scan isn't clear I'm not sure what I'll do- I honestly don't want the chemo anymore. I am here to talk if you need it, I'm in chat a lot too.
     
  12. ShalenaM

    ShalenaM Well-Known Member

    WHITE DOVE, I JUST READ IN ANOTHER THREAD WHERE PEOPLE WERE MISTREATING YOU AND ACCUSING YOU AND WHAT NOT. SOME ONE SAID THAT THEY TRY TO BE YOUR FRIEND AND YOU DON'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS..



    WHITE DOVE, I THINK YOU ARE AN AWESOME LADY AND A GREAT FRIEND TO ME!


    YOU ARE SO FUNNY AND HAVE THE BEST ADVICE, AND I LOVE YOU AND TRULY DO FEEL CLOSE TO YOU!

    YOU ARE LIKE A BIG SISTER AND YOU ARE SO DAMN SMART ABOUT MEN!!!

    LOVE, SHALENA :hug:
     
  13. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    suicide is a gateway to far greater suffering,..
    Suicide is based on egocentric action...i realized this myself when i was contemplating it..because when you are suicidal, all u can think is abt yourself..you never think about others who are connected to you.. your problems seem to be greater than what they actually are..and surprisingly when you are in a joyous mood, they seem to be far lesser than what they actually are..see suicide has a very serious life lasting effect on those who loved them. i once saw a girl who jumped from 20 story building and when her parents came to see her dead body, they were devastated. it was totally heart breaking scene. Heck it even effects those who never knew of them at times. like i was affected by it and felt for the girl and more so for the family for 3 days..and theres always a way out..of course in situations like this it just doesn't seem clear..for your good, if you are really that suicidal i would say stop posing on this website and go to some other where you can actually seek a cure because to be honest, this site reeks of negativity, people propagating suicide methods etc..
     
  14. ShalenaM

    ShalenaM Well-Known Member

    I don't think that anyone in her family cares about her..Basically everyone is saying suicide is a selfish act, but they don't help you when you are alive, all they do is bitch and complain, thats SELFISH!!!:mad:



    YOU HATE ME WHEN IM ALIVE, BUT YOU LOVE ME WHEN IM DEAD? YOU DECIDE TO LOVE ME WHEN I DIE??


    WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!


    OTHER PEOPLE ARE SELFISH WHEN IM ALIVE..SO I'LL BE SELFISH BACK AND KILL MYSELF!

    I UNDERSTAND WHITE DOVE. NO ONE CARES. FUCK THEM. FUCK OTHER PEOPLE!!!:dry::mad:
     
  15. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member


    not all ppl complain...and also you need to understand there is very big difference between positive criticism and negative criticism..
     
  16. ShalenaM

    ShalenaM Well-Known Member

    RIGHT NOW I DON'T REALLY GIVE A FUCK..I DONT HAVE THE EMOTIONS TO GIVE A FUCK. IM TOO SAD TO GIVE A FUCK. I JUST FEEL EVERYONES PAIN HERE. THE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO DIE.:sad:
     
  17. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    i dont want to die

    but i have intense pain

    can you feel it ?
     
  18. ShalenaM

    ShalenaM Well-Known Member

    sure.:dry::eek:hmy:
     
  19. I'd hope that people in this world would stop saying that suicide is a selfish act. Suicide is not a selfish act. Suicide is an act of escaping problems caused by a selfish society. Escaping society and the world is not selfish. Dying is not selfish, it is natural. I'm sure that there are other ways of being supportive of White Dove, without attacking her decisions and insulting her wishes to die. In my opinion, Whte Dove seems to be a very wonderful person who has dealt with alot of pain. Also, it seems that the society which she has tried to befriend and to love, has hurt her in so many ways. She deserves support from people, not the brutal anger and hostility shown to her by some people who are rude and ignorant.
     
  20. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    I do agree with your point if people think Suicide is a selfish act then why don't they do more to help and be there for people?It really shits me when you're gone is it because the people are disturbed or inconvenienced because they feel pain now?It just pisses me off because people can be there and do more for other's when they're in such pain.Yes they may not understand completely but they can just try and be there and understand.
     
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