I have no future

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Aemik, Aug 31, 2010.

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  1. Aemik

    Aemik New Member

    My name is Jake and I'm sixteen, 11th grade, and I live on Oahu, in Hawaii.

    I'm annoying. I'm weird. I'm stupid. I hate everyone and everyone hates me.

    I hate myself. I hate the way I talk, the way I look, the way I think. I grew up with things like Star Wars and Harry Potter, idolizing talented, witty, heroic white people. I look at myself and see an insignificant brown kid who is too lazy to do anything and I realize I will never ever be like the people I admire.

    I basically have no friends. There are people that I sometimes talk to in school but that's it. No one invites me to stuff. No one wants me around. I don't blame them. I'm so annoying and stupid. I get all hyper about stuff and laugh at things that aren't funny. And I KNOW that this isn't me but I don't know how to be me anymore.

    I did for a little bit, in ninth grade, when I was living in Colorado for a little while. That was probably the best time of my teenage life.

    Now I can't change back for some reason. I try to do the same thing I did in ninth grade. Literally every day I manage to convince myself that the reason I'm so messed up now is because of whatever thing I'm doing different, and I'll try to do the thing that I did before but I just end up being so disappointed every day. Every day I drag myself through school. I feel like I'm dead. I feel like a ghost, walking through life and not really being a part of it. At lunch I sit with this one guy who I absolutely hate being around, and after school I have a pretty tiring walk back home that makes me feel like even more of a loser. Every day I have to walk across this freeway overpass, and I always think about jumping off of it someday.

    Basically I feel like I've messed myself up beyond repair. I can't do anything right. Every time I try to build my confidence and tell myself that NOW I'm doing it right, I just end up being severely disappointed by the end of the day. Nothing ever works.

    I'm an atheist. I don't believe that any higher power is judging me. If I were to kill myself, the only consequences would be that my family would be sad. But what does that matter? In the end they will just be dust in the ground and no one will remember them or that kid who killed himself in a hundred years.

    For me, suicide feels like a way to just give up. Real life won. I'm too lazy to succeed in school and get a successful career. I do sit down to do my homework every day but I can't even bring myself to study for tests or do the homework well. What's in store for me? No good, fulfilling career seems to be on the horizon. No girl has ever ever liked me romantically. Only once did I ever meet a girl that I really felt like I could "get" but I'll never see her again and I'm pretty sure that there is no one else like her. If I were to keep on living, all I can foresee is that I would get a boring job, live in a small apartment, marry someone I don't love, maybe have kids who I will probably mess up too, and then die.

    I'll never be the way I was before. I've tried everything and nothing works. I'll never be successful. I'll never find anyone that I truly love. And every day I have to drag myself through school and watch all my old friends live their lives and go on to be successful and happy while I'm sitting alone in my room with literally absolutely completely NOTHING to do. The school year had just started and I have no schedule changes along the way. Nothing is going to change. I'm going to feel this way every single day for a year. Can I expect senior year to be better? It's not likely to be any better than now.

    So what am I still trying for? There's no god to live for, no friends to live for, no career to live for, no life to live for. Things are never going to get better. I don't know how I'm going to get through this WEEK, much less my whole life.

    You might think that it's as easy as just being able to "be myself" again. It's not. I've tried everything. I try every single day. And every time I try it just gets worse and worse. Every day it gets worse and worse.

    When I try to picture myself in a year, I just can't do it. I can't imagine that I'll still be alive by then. I'm pretty sure now that somewhere along the road I'll snap, I won't be able to take it, and I'll throw myself off that overpass.

    Why shouldn't I? Is there any hope for a good life still, in the real world? Tell me what reason there is to live for MYSELF--not my parents or community, but for me.
  2. varek

    varek Well-Known Member

    I feel like I'm in a similar position to you to be honest. I don't really know what to 'do' per se, I don't know of a cute or anything as conclusive as that, but I do have a couple of pieces of advice that have helped me keep going.

    Firstly, have you seen a doctor? There are things they can prescribe to 'lift your mood' as my doc puts it. I'm on citalopram (30mg/day) and it's helped me a little bit. I'm not sure if this is relevant to you, but it's helped a lot with my anxiety and self hate, it's definitely helped make day to day living a lot more bearable.

    Secondly, try not to think of the future. Try and focus on getting down one day at a time. Find things to distract yourself with whether it be tv, video games, reading (this helps me the most), it doesn't matter, as long as you can get your mind thinking on something else. I can't speak for you, but I know that I'm a lot worse when I have time alone with my thoughts.

    Lastly, if you're anything like me, your self hate is probably clouding your judgement something awful. In all likelyhood you're a decent enough guy, but you can't see yourself like that because of whatever insecurity issues that are holding you back. That said, if you're anything like me, you won't believe a word I just said. But that's okay. I think if you just focus on not letting your mind dwell on the negative you will be able to overcome what you're going through.

    I hope any of that was useful. If you wanna talk about anything just hit me, I've got MSN or you can PM here on the forums.

    Take care dude.

    P.S. usually, the people everyone hates are too stupid or self-absorbed to realise that everyone hates them, so chances you aren't one of those hated people.

    EDIT: also, welcome to the forums.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 31, 2010
  3. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    What do our children learn at school?

    Dear Friend - it's time that you stopped admiring those film heroes and came down to Earth by learning to appreciate yourself as the precious and unique being you truly are. I hope that the following will help you with this.

    That two and two make four;
    And that Paris is the Capital of France.
    But, where and when are they going to learn
    Who and what they and we all truly are?
    Why don’t we ourselves ask them: ‘Do you know who you are?’
    And then tell them: ‘You are a unique marvel; each one of us is.
    There is no other being, in the whole of Creation,
    Who is exactly like you and me.
    What’s more, during all the millions of years
    That have come and gone, since humankind’s evolution and that of the Earth began,
    And however many more are still to come,
    There has never been another being like you and me;
    And there never will be.

    Humankind eagerly searches for miracles and into all kinds of mysteries.
    Why then is it so hard for us to recognise
    That we are the greatest mystery of all and
    That the physical bodies each one of us is living in
    Is one of the greatest miracles that can be found in our world?
    That means everybody is being born into their own private miracle.
    Just look at your whole body, then your arms, hands and fingers; legs, feet and toes;
    See how cleverly everything moves and works together!
    It’s nothing short of a magnificent work of art and a masterpiece of engineering!
    Don’t you think that’s worthy of being called a miracle, my child?

    And while I’m about it, if you want our world to become a better place
    For all to share, my child, you need to know that we humans
    Have been given freedom of choice
    And that behaviour, yours, the same as mine and everybody else’s,
    Is not accidental, but it is always chosen.
    You need to know that even making no choice is a choice.
    It is up to us to choose which way we wish to react to those around us
    And which way we behave, in all situations.
    When finally everybody knows this and acts on their knowledge,
    When everybody’s behaviour is always a conscious choice,
    We will have freed ourselves and our world
    From the chains and shackles of many lifetimes of the ignorance
    That helped us – all together – to create the state our world is in, now.

    It’s not going to be easy.
    We brought many of our behaviour patterns with us,
    From previous lifetimes.
    That’s why they are now so deeply ingrained that they can be difficult to change.
    But rejoice, my child, each new lifetime presents everybody
    With fresh opportunities for doing their share
    Of creating a world that will come ever closer to the one we
    Can now only see in our dreams:
    A world where all live together in peace and harmony,
    Where cruelty and unkindness are no longer known.

    Freedom of choice is the only true freedom human beings have
    And everybody is always being presented with choices.
    That is why it is of the greatest importance that you, my child,
    Learn to choose wisely.
    Our Divine Mother/Father wants us to grow and evolve;
    Everybody’s potential is unlimited and
    It is within your reach, as well as everybody else’s, to strive to live like
    One of your ideals, maybe
    Mother Theresa, Saint Joan of Arc,
    Shakespeare, Michelangelo, or Beethoven.

    Everybody is wandering about in a body of their own;
    This creates the illusion that we are all separate from each other.
    Let that not fool you, my child.
    Know that nothing could be further from the truth,
    Because inside we are all one and all life is one big family;
    And in spirit we are all one.
    That is why when we hurt one, we hurt everybody, including ourselves.
    Knowing that and also that each is a miracle and a marvel,
    Just like you are, my child, could you ever hurt or harm another?

    You have come into this lifetime to learn that we are all here together,
    To help us learn individually and as a race,
    To love wisely, to cherish one another,
    And to help and support each other.
    We are all responsible for ourselves and our world;
    And we all need to work together and everybody do own their bit
    Of making our world a better place for everything that shares it with us;
    A world that is worthy of all its children, including humankind.
    For we are all the children of the Great Universal Life Force,
    The One.

    Inspired by an idea by Pablo Casals


    With love - Aquarius
  4. Robin

    Robin Guest

    Wow, what a great post :) You write better than a lot of adults I know or have known :eek: I bet your handwriting is impeccable too (that would be really annoying :eek:!). Every time I think of Hawaii I think of Magnum PI (waaaay before your time :) ), sand, surf, lotsa sun :)

    However, nothing you do for yourself is ever going to mean anything to you, by the looks of things anyway, I say that because whatever you do, no matter how fun or brilliant it is, you will always hate the person doing it.

    Am glad you are not the person you was because that is obviously not the person you need to be and if there's one thing in life you are gonna get punished for more than anything is being something you are not.

    I vaguely remember reading about some theory, about rewards never arrive directly in life, though they are not really rewards. Unfortunately, have been around a longer than my memory can cope for, or maybe that;s down to too much guinness :)

    The old things obviously aren't working, time to try something new :) You sound very bright, attentive to the needs of others and despite being in a lot of pain, love your family enough to endure that pain for their sake, a good person, though why good folk need to suffer is beyond me, or maybe it's just a fallacy of church built to give those who haven't anything to give more than they have?

    Some folks can change how they think by power of reason alone, my head just does what it does a lot, personally I've always struggled with what it means to be a good person and to do things for the right reason or at least tried to understand the real reasons why I did things. In that respect failed miserably but succeeded very well in becoming miserable.

    Am 40 very soon and only last year did it start dawning on me that sometimes, that, if I do enough kind things as often as I am able, kindness will become a habit, do it for long enough I might start thinking kinder thoughts. But that isn't the point of that little story, the point is, every time I do a kind thing, I stop worrying about why I did it, what'll happen in a hundred years when I won't be about and all that stuff, it brought a smile, however small, to their face and I can forget about me for a second and realise that no matter how small we are, we can still affect the world around us, the butterfly effect :)

    So, if you can't think your way out of trouble, do something, if it starts making you feel bad, do something else, us guys are really simple no matter how bright any of us are, we don't multitask at all well, when our hands our busy our minds are usually concentrating on what they are doing more than anything else :)
  5. Louis03

    Louis03 Well-Known Member

    Good post Jake. Being yourself is something, in my opinion, that can never be stressed enough. I remember when I was a young teenager and I would see people repeating the maxim "be yourself" and I remember thinking "damn if I only knew who I was or who I am supposed to be or who I should try to be even". You know? Just a lot of questions like this. I was a pretty happy kid then but I still didn't have a clue about those things and there was an insecurity there.

    So how do you "find" yourself?

    I think it gets a lot easier as you get older, that's one thing.

    Follow your heart. Don't do something because other people do it, because of peer pressure, because of fashion, because of what other people think - instead listen to your inner voice. Doing that means being independent, it means that you are ready to stand on your own if you have to, to be an outcast if need be - it means that you don't compromise what you think and what you want to be.
  6. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    Following our inner guidance

    That's sound advice, Louis. We all need to learn ever more to listen within to the small still voice of our Highest Self, the wise one within. It alone knows what's good and right for us, in any given moment.

    In my view, all our experiences have purpose and meaning, because we are by no means some kind of a random and haphazard appearance, or some kind of a cosmic joke, as some seem to believe. We are in this life so that we may learn to love, appreciate and accept ourselves, just the way we are, because that is the way the Great White Spirit, who is our true Father/Mother, loves us and wants us to be. We all contain the seed of perfection and all we have to do is give of their best in all situations. This gradually brings forth ever more of our Divine qualities from within the very core of our own being.

    Wherever we may find ourselves, we are always in the right spot and at the right time. We are there so that we can do our share of making our planet a better, happier, more peaceful and beautiful place for all its inhabitants. And each one of us was created to fulfil one specific task on the Earth plane, some kind of a job that can only be carried out by us and which is rightfully ours. To find it, it is essential that we follow the inner guidance of our natural inclinations. We need learn to dream our own dreams and to pursue them, not those of others, no matter how dear they may be to us, even parents or grandparents.

    Only by never imitating others can we hope to be true to our real and Highest Self and find our special assignment. Through acting in accordance with Its will and desires, refusing to follow the drives and urges of our lower earthly nature, whilst giving of our best at all times, hand in hand with our Highest Self each one of us is meant to develop their own precious and unique set of gifts to its highest potential and full flowering.

    The whole process is a bit like applying for a job, but this time we shall be luckier than we have ever been before! Just imagine, out of the billions of potential applicants we alone have the right qualifications. What more could anyone ask for? Yet, the fulfilment we are seeking on the Earth plane is not going to drop into anyone’s lap like Manna from the Heavens. Insisting on living selfishly and seeing life as an endless round of pleasure-seeking is not the way, that’s for sure. But when we strive to work for the good of the whole and allow our innermost feelings, highest aspirations, hopes, ideals and dreams to guide us, we cannot fail.


    With love and light,
  7. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    I say, forget who you were. Give up on trying to change yourself back, and instead become someone new. Don't stress about not having a girlfriend. When you have figured out who you want to be, you will find a girlfriend/boyfriend.
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You have the power to change the things about yourself you are not happy with, within reason of course. You may not be able to change things like height length of your foot etc, but you can change your behavior and actions. As Robin mentioned, with practice things become a habit. Many of the things you mentioned you do that you don't lioke are habits. Don't try to work on changing everything at once. Chose something small and work on it. When you are successful, move on to something else. The most important thing is not to try and be who you aren't. Don't act a certain way because you want to be just like someone else. You are unique. Who knows, maybe someone wants to be just like you :)
  9. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    Human behaviour is chosen

    In my view, we all have everything within, the very best but alas, the worst as well. Knowing this is a great comfort to me. It is the reason why, instead of looking in shock and horror at what some people are doing, the wise ones among us remind themselves that what is in them is also in us. In truth, we are all capable of all kinds of behaviour and it is entirely up to us who we want to be and how we wish to behave. The discovery that human behaviour is chosen and by no means compulsive is an empowering and liberating experience, because it brings the realisation that there is nothing to be afraid of inside ourselves. The right to choose how we wish to behave and react in any given situation is what freedom of choice is all about. In fact, that is the only true freedom that anyone ever has on the Earth plane.

    The precious gift of free will has not been given to us for nothing. But, it is essential that we should never forget that every right inevitably brings with it a duty and a responsibility, which in this case is the one of having to choose how to behave, and that at all times. Nobody has to act upon bad or downright evil impulses; there is always a choice. It is up to each one of us to resist the pull of their lower earthly nature and to rise above its urges. If any of the unpleasant characteristics we observe in others upset and disturb us, it is a signal from our inner Self that they are still waiting to be lifted into our conscious awareness, so they can be released and got rid of, once and for all.

    It is essential that we do not reject anything that surfaces in this way; everything has to be accepted and acknowledged. All lower instinctive reactions have to be reacted to with a firm: ‘No! This is not what I want to do.’ Then it is best to turn to God and the Angels, to ask them to teach us how to rise above and release all lower drives and urges, so their energies can be transmuted into blessing and healing ones for all life.

    Going through the above described process can be a painful one. Yet, diligently attending to whatever surfaces into our conscious awareness is well worth anyone’s while. For those who diligently attend to it enormous evolutionary forward strides are possible. There is every likelihood that at the end of it we shall be a far more whole and integrated person than our loved one could have hoped to become in their own right, during their most recent lifetime. If we can muster the courage to consciously accept and integrate all parts, we shall never have to act out their obnoxious behaviour patterns ourselves.

    Having served us well as teaching aids, it is a good idea to give thanks for them. And then, it’s time for moving on and seriously getting to work on letting go of all excess baggage from the past. This makes room for concentrating on bringing forth from within all the desirable qualities we wish to integrate into our character make-up. Once the change of energies has taken place inside us, the necessity will never again arise to draw people who act the old distasteful traces out towards us.

    If however we fail to do this and the offending item remains unrecognised and therefore unresolved in our subconscious, the mirror that such experiences represent will be held in front of us again and again. Until this has been attended to by us, there is every likelihood that we shall attract others into our orbit who behave towards us in a similar fashion. This does not change even when one of the perpetrators returns to the world of spirit. Until the offending character traces have been eradicated from our own consciousness, we shall continue to be at their receiving end, as a constant reminder of the way we once sinned against others in previous lifetimes. Thus balance is created in the greater scheme of life and excellent teaching and learning opportunities are provided for all parties involved.

    I believe that Karmic conditions do not come into anyone’s life as some kind of a punishment. The law of Karma is one of opportunities, because with its help ever more of these are created for resolving issues and for once and for all shedding the parts that are no longer required by us. The karmic chains and shackles that were created by us for ourselves and each other in the course of many lifetimes, can only be dissolved by true forgiveness that comes from the heart. The increasing awareness of our true nature and the reason for our being on this plane of life makes this ever easier.


    With love and light,
  10. Aemik

    Aemik New Member

    I'm sorry for bumping this thread. I'd just like to thank everyone who posted here. You are all great and kind people, the kind of people worth living for.

    So here's an update. I haven't thought about suicide in a few months now. I'm not as happy as I was in ninth grade, but I feel like I'm getting there. I feel like I'm relearning all the mistakes that I had to learn to get to that point.

    There were so many things that I was doing and putting up with that I really didn't have to. I've relearned that if you can walk away from something that's causing you unhappiness, then by all means do it. There are still things that are out of my control but I feel like anything can be possible eventually.

    Even though I'm an atheist, I've found much strength in prayer. Every night I try to "pretend" that God is real and that he'll make things better for me. It's a great way to just let off all your stress.

    Thanks again everyone for your words of hope. Sorry I didn't respond all this time D:
  11. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    Oh yes, you do have a future - a bright one!

    Dear Friend – it is good to hear from you again and it is wonderful to witness how much you have learnt and grown in wisdom and understanding of life. Oh yes, you do have a future - a bright one! If you keep on going like that and there’s no reason to believe that you would not, you will go far in your present lifetime and life will get better and better for you.

    In my view, God is a very real presence in everybody’s life – but in a far more beautiful and direct way than anyone could ever have suspected in previous lifetimes. God is part of us and we are part of God – no outside influences are involved. And yes, God does help us by guiding us and protecting us through the world of our feelings against the wrong influences in our lives by intuitively telling us that such and such a person or situation isn’t good for us, so we better move on.

    We are dynamic beings, who can only attract towards themselves that which we ourselves have within. The world around us acts like a mirror of that which goes on within. The corollary of this is that if we want more love in our lives – the way we all do – we first have to become more loving ourselves. All struggles and conflicts on the outer levels of life are invariably reflections of those that are taking place inside us. Everybody is responsible for sorting their own issues and settling their own inner quarrels, as well as those in their outer lives. We have been placed in this life so we may learn how to intelligently deal with all our relationships and to heal those that are in need of it. This needs to be done not only with love in our hearts and consideration for the suffering of those who share our lives with us, but also applying the same to ourselves.

    For all of us there eventually comes the time when we realise if we do not wish to be treated like a doormat, over which the whole world walks without ever hearing a grumble from the mat, we have to learn how to stand up for ourselves and assert ourselves. It is up to us to set boundaries and to show the world through our behaviour in kind and loving, yet determined ways, that this sort of treatment is no longer tolerated by us. This is sure to surprise them at first, but we need to persevere and show them that we mean business. We have every right to do so, because spiritually and before God we are all the same, equally loved and appreciated. Nobody has to put up with any old rubbish from anyone and there are no prizes for martyrdom!

    And whenever when we refuse to have anything to do with someone, because our intuition tells us that his person is not right for us, such reactions should not be misunderstood as signs of intolerance, but as signals that we have learnt to love and respect ourselves, our time, as well as our space and its sanctity as much as that of others. Not only does everybody have the right to defend these things; it’s our duty to do so each time the need for it arises.

    From ‘Journey of a Thousand Miles’

    ‘Relationship Healing’

    With love and light,

  12. varek

    varek Well-Known Member

    Hey, glad to hear you're getting better buddy :) Hope things keep working out for you, take care :hug:
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