i have no idea what to do.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by tka, Jan 6, 2013.

  1. tka

    tka New Member

    I’ve never drunk drove before. If I meet friends at the pub, or for a meal and I’m driving I won’t touch a drop. I came back to visit my parents (I live in the city, they live in the countryside) and I’ve come off my medication (antidepressants) and had been feeling really low. (Which do you know what I haven’t helped one bit because I took mdma on new years eve) and I drank about 7 bottles of beer alone watching tv. At about 2am I got in my car and drove to the petrol station bought cigarettes and came back. I have huge problems with anxiety so for the last few days I’ve been feeling awful and guilty about it.

    I started self harming October 2011 and stopped around may. But I relapsed on Christmas day. The guilt about drink driving is just making everything worse. Nothing ‘bad’ happened. But I know I was drunk, and I can’t believe I did something so reckless and stupid and I’m disgusted with myself. I binge drink. I don’t drink every day. But when I do, it’s a lot and I don’t stop. In the past year I’ve blacked out more times than I care to remember. I hate myself so much. I went to therapy for a couple of months, and I’ve been put on antidepressants but it’s like I want to be like this, I keep self-sabotaging. I stopped taking my meds and I abruptly stopped seeing my therapist because I felt self-indulgent and ridiculous. Even just writing all of this I feel stupid.

    I have intense anxiety problems (which I’m also on medication for) i can’t be in social situations without the aid of drugs or alcohol. When I become really depressed I won’t leave my room for days and then after a week or so of not leaving my bed I’ll go out and get very very drunk and it just becomes cyclic. I attempted suicide once before I went on medication and I feel like I’m edging toward that place again. I just don’t know what to do with myself because it’s like I keep rejecting everything that’s helping. But I don’t want to be like this, I really don’t. I want to be normal, im sick of these thoughts and being like this. Which eggs me further to believe I just want to end it. I know what I need to do to get better. i just, I’m not sure what the point of this post is. I just feel really really alone
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi T...feeling 'bad' about something you have done reminds us not to do it again...maybe it is worth trying therapy again, this time with an agenda and treatment goals so you can stay on course...we have all fallen off the wagon...it is how we get back on that counts...welcome and please forgive yourself...you deserve your own caring
     
  3. Eternal Availer

    Eternal Availer New Member

    We're in human bodies, we make mistakes from time to time, but I'm here to tell you as a person who has been through alot and triumphed over alot, that it is ok. This is comming from another human being, we do things that arent good from time to time, but you have learned from your mistake and want to change, that in it self takes alot of strength and character, I thank you for that. We all have had guilt that first time we over indulged in alcohol, its only human, but also remember that it is society that teaches you to feel guitly, and it is the love of humanity that teaches you forgivance, forgive yourself, because I forgive you. Something was looking out for you that day, you drove to the convient store and back, intoxicated, and no one was harmed, not even yourself, and I am glad, because you should be cherished and cared about just like every other living creature in the universe.

    You have been treated un fairly by society, being born different, born with pressures that many wont understand, but I understand, I am different and I deal with anxiety is well, though it may be hard, but over comming our situations is a very possible thing, and when we do we'll feel a sense of satisfaction that only those of us that are different could understand and then you'll get that sense of being "normal" that you have been looking for. Society has made you anxious, so don't take it out on yourself, reward yourself for being able to deal with the pain, and make the right decisions that you have made in your life. Dont harm yourself, the world has done enough of that, love yourself and appreciate yourself like I do.

    As for the drugs and alcohol, I understand your pressure, dealing with your anxiety feeling alone, but your not alone, because something led me to create an account and send you a reply, something also led all of these other genuine people to guide those in need of guidance, your important to us, dont harm yourself with drugs and alchohol, have you tried replacing those erges of drug use and alchol use for hobbies? Video games? Movies? TV? Sitting in your backyard late at night? Dealing with my social anxiety I often go outside late at night when no one is out, just to get the breath of fresh air that is entitled to myself, and you as well. Try talking your problems out with your doctor or a physciotrist, they may not fully understand but I believe they can help, your not alone, and your life is important, so I will do everything in my power to make sure that you stay alive, and that you get the life you deserve.

    Hope I helped, hang in there it WILL get better.