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i have no idea why im writing this

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by shuddertothink, Sep 4, 2010.

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  1. shuddertothink

    shuddertothink Well-Known Member

    right now i am battling the impulse to swallow all of my medication. i dunno why i havent done it yet. im freaking out that my suboxone dr. is gonna cut me off for relapsing and if he does that will be the beginning of the end for me. it almost killed me last time and not because i wanted it to. when i relapsed three days ago i did some stupid shit, and may be in some trouble for it. i dunno yet, and i cant remmber a thing. I got the hell beat out of me for screwing up by my so called boyfriend, and well i happen to agree with him that im just a screw up and always will be. But believe me he's not the reason for this i'm not that pathetic. there is soooo much more to it than that.
    I cant discuss this with doctors or a therapist cause they'd throw my arse in the hospital faster than i could blink, and they cant help me, they can feed me medication after medication and it wont change a damn thing, well... it will turn me into a zombie but it wont get rid of the urge to kill myself. Ive slashed my wrists sevral times vertical but for some reason i didnt bleed out. i have od'd 3 times and i dunno what went wrong except the last time someone found me. But i am in a new place, and since my family, friends, and i are estranged. and the fact that david probably wont be back maybe i could pull it off this time, uninterrupted.
    Oh it's not gonna happen tonight i have a few things i need to take care of before i make that decision, but it will happen. I cannot go on living this way, it's a chore just getting out of bed and taking a shower. I have no motivation, no will to live anymore, i have nothing to look forward to, noone who gives a damn about me, oh wait i take that back they care when it's convenient for them. their love and friendship is conditional. But im not perfect, i cant be. so as i said before i cant think of a reason NOT to do it. so if anyone responds to this spare me the bullshit about the people i will be leaving behind, coz they left me long before i chose to leave them.
    im sick of typing. screw it.
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry your life has come to this....but I understand those feelings I really do..
    first though I have to say that no-one has the right to beat you no matter what it is you've done...
    You deserve better than that...

    I don't think ODs work from what I've read they usually end up causing more grief and pain than before...there are several threads on here about that...

    are you having any therapy besides meds? have you had your meds changed if the ones you're taking aren't working..
    We give a damn here about you so keep reaching out for support .....
  3. shuddertothink

    shuddertothink Well-Known Member

    yes i am in therapy but the bitch is useless, as was the last one. and no matter how many times i stress that the meds do not make a difference nothing changes, probably because i have a history of being a junkie. so i'm damnedif i do, damned if i dont.
    and as for david i was kinda asking for it i said some pretty messed up stuff, i would have knocked the hell out of me if i were him. i screwed up again and when h confronted me with force i... well said some stuff i shouldnt have. thats life.
    as for od's i dunno maybe i just did'take enough the last few times.
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