right now i am battling the impulse to swallow all of my medication. i dunno why i havent done it yet. im freaking out that my suboxone dr. is gonna cut me off for relapsing and if he does that will be the beginning of the end for me. it almost killed me last time and not because i wanted it to. when i relapsed three days ago i did some stupid shit, and may be in some trouble for it. i dunno yet, and i cant remmber a thing. I got the hell beat out of me for screwing up by my so called boyfriend, and well i happen to agree with him that im just a screw up and always will be. But believe me he's not the reason for this i'm not that pathetic. there is soooo much more to it than that. I cant discuss this with doctors or a therapist cause they'd throw my arse in the hospital faster than i could blink, and they cant help me, they can feed me medication after medication and it wont change a damn thing, well... it will turn me into a zombie but it wont get rid of the urge to kill myself. Ive slashed my wrists sevral times vertical but for some reason i didnt bleed out. i have od'd 3 times and i dunno what went wrong except the last time someone found me. But i am in a new place, and since my family, friends, and i are estranged. and the fact that david probably wont be back maybe i could pull it off this time, uninterrupted. Oh it's not gonna happen tonight i have a few things i need to take care of before i make that decision, but it will happen. I cannot go on living this way, it's a chore just getting out of bed and taking a shower. I have no motivation, no will to live anymore, i have nothing to look forward to, noone who gives a damn about me, oh wait i take that back they care when it's convenient for them. their love and friendship is conditional. But im not perfect, i cant be. so as i said before i cant think of a reason NOT to do it. so if anyone responds to this spare me the bullshit about the people i will be leaving behind, coz they left me long before i chose to leave them. im sick of typing. screw it.