I don’t know how to start this thread so I'll just plough on. I'm a 38 year old married man with a loving wife of 13 years and a 10 year old son. I love them both with all my heart but I am rapidly coming to the end of my tether. I have no idea if this is a cry for help or attention or perhaps a last ditch attempt to cling on to any decency that seems to have completely passed through my fingers over the last few years ..... A brief history .... At the age of 7 I stole from a magic purse in my mothers knickers drawer. I did here a smirk from someone !! Its true, there was a magic purse in my mothers drawer. I used to take money from it to buy sweets for me and my friend, within a week more money would appear. Must have been magic I'm sure you agree. Or perhaps it was my mother putting away a little money for my Grandmother each week. I was caught and severely punished as I should be. It took many years to realise what I had done and the cost of my actions on my grandmother. At the age range of 12-19, I hit a rebellious streak. My father was strict and we fell out on many occasions. It got to the point where I totally despised anything that came from my fathers lips. Since I got married in 1994 our relationship had blossomed to the point where I feel he is my best friend. At the age of 17 I stole from an employer, was caught, released on bail and attempted suicide by cutting my wrists. I didn’t succeed (obviously) due to the amount of pain and a very blunt knife. Perhaps it wasn’t a serious attempt. It seemed so at the time though. I was given counselling by the courts. Not for my attempts suicide, even the police stated it was a poor attempt, but rather my reason for stealing which was an addiction to fruit machines. At the age of 18 (well 6 days before my 18th) my best friend died in a motorbike accident. At the age of 25 I got married to my beloved. Moved into our home together and I had a good job. Well it wasn’t great but the money paid well. Also my wife was working fulltime. I must be the only one in Britain who looks back fondly to the Thatcher years. “I’ve never had it so good …” At the age 26 My wife developed Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (M.E) or in those days Yuppie Flu). For those that don’t know it affects sleep patterns, muscle joints, mood swings and several other symptoms. My wife still struggles with this every day of her life. We managed to survive on just my wage pretty well. At the age of 28 my son was born. 2nd happiest day of my live, after getting married. Life was still good !!! At the age of 30 my wife was diagnosed with PolyCystic Kidneys (PCK). This is a condition that causes cysts to form throughout her kidneys and other nearby organs such as the Liver. There is no cure for this as its genetic. My son being a boy has only a 25% of having this condition (A female would have 50%) but we haven’t had him tested. The result of this condition is unlikely to be life threatening. Although she will deteriorate with time. Not long after this I developed a stomach condition. This condition has plagued me every day since. At this point in time it wasn’t diagnosed. When I was 35 I lost my job which I had held for 15 years. I had worked my way up the ladder from tea boy to second in command. Not a great achievement only 20 of us worked there but I was proud of myself. I lost my job due to too much time of work with my stomach condition. I returned back to work at the age of 36. I hated my job, but I was of benefits and earning for myself. I finally got a diagnosis for my tummy this April and hadn’t had a day of since. Unfortunately I had had a lot of time of and lost my job in august 2007. I’m still not working and the money I’d managed to save has gone. I have debts that I can’t pay. I took out insurance but due to the many clauses I don’t qualify. This is just a brief history, during this time we lost my mother in law, our first pet and several other things. Through all this crap (sorry for language) we survived and we are still together living in our own home. Although we will need to sell pretty soon I fear. I’m running rapidly out of strength to fight this life. I know it will get better given time. My whole life has been a rollercoaster, as life tends to be. But at the moment I’m at the bottom of a big dip and I sense a derailment in the NEAR future. Christmas was bloody miserable too. I had to borrow money of my father to buy my son a Christmas present. What a super dad I am !!! Ok the bottom line I hate my self every morning I open my eyes. I am angry to the point of shouting at the two people I love more than life itself. Am I depressed I have no idea. My last job was taking new claims to benefit over the phone. 97% of claims for incapacity benefit were for “Depression”. Most of those who I spoke too seemed a lot happier than I did. Depression is a term that’s used to lightly. So I don’t know what the definition is but I don’t have the courage to admit to anyone how I’m feeling, let alone my new GP. I have the means to end my life. Although I’m a heavy smoker a dose of 40-60mg of pure Nicotine is enough to kill the average non smoker. I have refined twice that much and plan to take it in the near future. In theory unconsciousness will occur between 5-10mins, followed by death within 4 hours. I’ve done my research very well and I’m also a qualified chemist. I lost the drive for that when the only job I could get was in a life sciences laboratory . Not what I trained for. The only thing stopping me is working out how to say goodbye to my Wife and son.