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I have no idea !!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ogre101, Jan 4, 2008.

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  1. Ogre101

    Ogre101 Member

    I don’t know how to start this thread so I'll just plough on.

    I'm a 38 year old married man with a loving wife of 13 years and a 10 year old son. I love them both with all my heart but I am rapidly coming to the end of my tether.

    I have no idea if this is a cry for help or attention or perhaps a last ditch attempt to cling on to any decency that seems to have completely passed through my fingers over the last few years .....

    A brief history ....

    At the age of 7 I stole from a magic purse in my mothers knickers drawer. I did here a smirk from someone !! Its true, there was a magic purse in my mothers drawer. I used to take money from it to buy sweets for me and my friend, within a week more money would appear. Must have been magic I'm sure you agree. Or perhaps it was my mother putting away a little money for my Grandmother each week. I was caught and severely punished as I should be.
    It took many years to realise what I had done and the cost of my actions on my grandmother.

    At the age range of 12-19, I hit a rebellious streak. My father was strict and we fell out on many occasions. It got to the point where I totally despised anything that came from my fathers lips.
    Since I got married in 1994 our relationship had blossomed to the point where I feel he is my best friend.

    At the age of 17 I stole from an employer, was caught, released on bail and attempted suicide by cutting my wrists. I didn’t succeed (obviously) due to the amount of pain and a very blunt knife. Perhaps it wasn’t a serious attempt. It seemed so at the time though. I was given counselling by the courts. Not for my attempts suicide, even the police stated it was a poor attempt, but rather my reason for stealing which was an addiction to fruit machines.

    At the age of 18 (well 6 days before my 18th) my best friend died in a motorbike accident.

    At the age of 25 I got married to my beloved. Moved into our home together and I had a good job. Well it wasn’t great but the money paid well. Also my wife was working fulltime. I must be the only one in Britain who looks back fondly to the Thatcher years. “I’ve never had it so good …”

    At the age 26 My wife developed Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (M.E) or in those days Yuppie Flu). For those that don’t know it affects sleep patterns, muscle joints, mood swings and several other symptoms. My wife still struggles with this every day of her life. We managed to survive on just my wage pretty well.

    At the age of 28 my son was born. 2nd happiest day of my live, after getting married.
    Life was still good !!!

    At the age of 30 my wife was diagnosed with PolyCystic Kidneys (PCK). This is a condition that causes cysts to form throughout her kidneys and other nearby organs such as the Liver. There is no cure for this as its genetic. My son being a boy has only a 25% of having this condition (A female would have 50%) but we haven’t had him tested. The result of this condition is unlikely to be life threatening. Although she will deteriorate with time.

    Not long after this I developed a stomach condition. This condition has plagued me every day since. At this point in time it wasn’t diagnosed.

    When I was 35 I lost my job which I had held for 15 years. I had worked my way up the ladder from tea boy to second in command. Not a great achievement only 20 of us worked there but I was proud of myself.
    I lost my job due to too much time of work with my stomach condition.

    I returned back to work at the age of 36. I hated my job, but I was of benefits and earning for myself. I finally got a diagnosis for my tummy this April and hadn’t had a day of since. Unfortunately I had had a lot of time of and lost my job in august 2007.

    I’m still not working and the money I’d managed to save has gone. I have debts that I can’t pay. I took out insurance but due to the many clauses I don’t qualify.

    This is just a brief history, during this time we lost my mother in law, our first pet and several other things. Through all this crap (sorry for language) we survived and we are still together living in our own home. Although we will need to sell pretty soon I fear. I’m running rapidly out of strength to fight this life. I know it will get better given time. My whole life has been a rollercoaster, as life tends to be. But at the moment I’m at the bottom of a big dip and I sense a derailment in the NEAR future.

    Christmas was bloody miserable too. I had to borrow money of my father to buy my son a Christmas present. What a super dad I am !!!

    Ok the bottom line I hate my self every morning I open my eyes. I am angry to the point of shouting at the two people I love more than life itself. Am I depressed I have no idea. My last job was taking new claims to benefit over the phone. 97% of claims for incapacity benefit were for “Depression”. Most of those who I spoke too seemed a lot happier than I did. Depression is a term that’s used to lightly. So I don’t know what the definition is but I don’t have the courage to admit to anyone how I’m feeling, let alone my new GP.
    I have the means to end my life. Although I’m a heavy smoker a dose of 40-60mg of pure Nicotine is enough to kill the average non smoker. I have refined twice that much and plan to take it in the near future. In theory unconsciousness will occur between 5-10mins, followed by death within 4 hours.
    I’ve done my research very well and I’m also a qualified chemist. I lost the drive for that when the only job I could get was in a life sciences laboratory . Not what I trained for.

    The only thing stopping me is working out how to say goodbye to my Wife and son.
  2. Ogre101

    Ogre101 Member

    Sorry for the long post. Didn't realise I could rattle on so long !!
  3. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    mate, sorry to hear your pain.
    depression affects ppl in different ways and makes what would seem a normal life alot harder.

    but i have to ask you ths and i want you to think about this, how will your wife and son feel knnowing about your suicide.
    how will ths effect them in the future, your son will be without a dad to learn from and more importantly know what football team to support.
    from emotional pain to silly little things your actions will affect them both so much, sorry if this seems hard but some things need to be said and understood from the start.

    so many ppl who love you will be devastated by your suicide, please think again,

    only a pm away if you want to chat

  4. Magic

    Magic Member

    I've read your post, and I don't understand how can you hate yourself?! It seems like you have always been there for your family when they needed it.

    You sound like a great father. The fact that you got a Christmas present for your son despite the situation shows that you care alot about your family.

    It also sounds like you have alot of experience and qualification, it is just a matter of time before you get a new job.

    In general, I think you should be proud of yourself, not ashamed.

    And, yes, losing their father is one of the worst things that can happen to a child.
  5. Ogre101

    Ogre101 Member

    Thanks for the reply andy. How sad am I sitting waiting for people to reply to my post.

    In theory and hence the method of my preposed departure it is very unlikely to be classed as a suicide. It will be a natural death diagnosis as long as I time it correctly. Being a heavy smoker and the 4 hour period to die. Most of the nictione will be absorbed by the reseptors in my brain and other organs. It will appear as I'm a 40-60 a day smoker which I am. I only need not to smoke for 4 hours before bedtime.

    And the most sad part is my father has already coerced my son into supporting our local team "Norwich City", where as I support the tricky trees. Yes my son is your rival as I spy a Tractor Boy ?

    I keep setting myself goals, it started in June with let me make our holiday in August, then it was let me hit 38 in September, then let me see my son hit 10 in October. Lastly was lets get into 2008. I'm running out of things to head towards.

    As for the pain and sorrow I'll cause my wife and my son, yes it will be terrible for them, that will pass in time I hope. I won't be here to feel their pain and my wifes family will be very supportive. That last line sounds real bad doesn't it. I'm turning into someone I don't want to be.

    The primary human response to any hostile situation is fight or flight. Life is very hostile at the moment and I'm fighting with every breath to cling on. But I'm losing this fight.
  6. Ogre101

    Ogre101 Member

    Compared to alot of posts I've read on this site my life seems pretty good compared to others. Just recently it seems to have taken a turn for the worst. I'm a pretty sensitive guy and I'm just so fed up fighting.

    I'd do anything for my family, well almost. It seems to me they would be better of without me. I'm sure if you asked them that they would rather be poor and with me than well off and not. I feel ashamed that I can't support my family as I should be doing. I feel ashamed that I have to say no to my son when he asks for something. I feel ashamed that I don't give my wife enough support throughout her illnesses.

    I feel a coward and I believe and always have done until recently that suicide is a cowards way out. Sitting hear typing and crying has made me realise that its not cowardly, but will probably be the hardest thing I will ever contiplate.
  7. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    tractor boy my arse lol, happy hammer am i.

    ok, so you dont like yourself, we have all gone thru that stage but you can change things, you can be the man you want to be, the husband you want to be and the dad you want to be.
    and you can get your boy to stop supporting a hockey team lol.

    its all up to you, you sound like a decent bloke who loves his family but is suffering inside and just wants to end that part of your life.

    you can do it without leaving you family wondering why?

    one step at a time, one day at a time.

    fight on mate.
  8. Labrynth

    Labrynth Active Member

    Hi Ogre101.....and by the way, I dont believe you are an ogre atall, far from it infact!

    Sorry to hear things are rough for you at the moment. You said in your post that you know things will get better in the future. Please hang onto that thought. It is true, things won't stay as they are now forever and it certainly isn't worth dying over. I tried overdosing and now I am having to live with the guilt of how much I have hurt my family - and I wasnt even successful. I can only imagine how they would be had I actually died. It is almost unbearable. Please please dont do that to the ones you love and who love you! If you need to talk or just need a friend feel free to PM me. :hug:
  9. Only1?

    Only1? Active Member

    Please dont do this, this is like reading the thoughts that must have gone through my husbands head before he commited suicide. If you love your wife and son then you will stop planning your untimely death and start to talk to your wife about how you are feeling. She will be able to work with you to get you through this time of your life surely.

    I cant really understand why people worry about money as much as they do. Do you really comprehend the emotional damage you will leave behind with your family and they will never get over it. How much of a burden is that compared to struggling for money for a time?

    I would gladly have nothing to have the peace of mind I had when I didnt feel responsible for the suicide of another, and you need to consider that especially as you say your wife is not 100% fit. What would you do if she couldnt go on, what about your son then?

    Its ok now to plan how they will cope, but you are giving up any input and leaving them to carry not only the weight of getting by, but with the scars of losing you. Please please think about it more. I would like to chat to you about it if you need to. Pm me or catch me in chat.

    Take care, and take your time before you conclude on this path. :smile:
  10. Kieran

    Kieran Member

    it could be worse.

    you could be a burnley fan :wink:
  11. Jinxed

    Jinxed Member

    Your post really moved me, you seem a loving husband and father and as hard as it seems you really should be brave and see your GP. You already know how many people are affected by depression at some point in their life and after what you have had to live through of late there is no shame in admitting you need some support.
    I have been in that turmoil of suicidal thoughts and quite frequently go back there but you have so much to live for. Feel free to pm if you need someone to talk with it can help to share the load sometimes.
  12. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    The person who I really feel bad for right now is your son, because he doesn't know what's going on inside your heart.

    In my case, I don't care if I live or die. I have no wife or family to support. Just a few good friends. But raising a child is different.

    You are his universe. Without you, he will have no one to guide him. And given the physical stress your wife has been under, there's no guarantee that she can be there for him for a long, long time either, since she could be in hospital.

    I didn't mean to sound rude, cold, and assuming, but I feel for your son.
  13. Ogre101

    Ogre101 Member

    As do I Pit !!!
    In my mixed up state it seems to ME that he would be better of without me. I'm guessing its because of my current state our relationship is collapsing at an alarming rate. I don't blame him, he is only 10 and just responding to the emotions that I throw at him.
    I truely love him and tbh I need him as much as he needs me.

    I spoke in PM's last night at length with "only1". Thank you so much hun, not once did you tell me not to proceed. But you did have a rather unique prospective on my situation. Your wisdom from your experience touched me in a way that I can't explain.

    I'm going to give them some more thought over the next day or two. I've found a new goal, to see Monday then who knows from there !!
  14. Ogre101

    Ogre101 Member

    Its Saturday morning and I'm having a particularly bad day. I so need to take this pain away and quickly.
    I had a geat morning with my son, we made breakfast together, crepes :)
    My wife is very poorly at the moment and laid up in bed. My son has just gone out with his mates and I'm on my own again. Thats when the pain hurts the most.
    Strange I crave human companionship, then when I have it I just want them to leave me alone.
    Last night after my chat on here I thought about telling my wife how I felt. I've never hidden a secret like this from her.

    I'm being eaten from the inside, well maybe not but thats how it feels, very very hollow.

    Sorry for the morbid post, I seem able to cope a little better if I write it down on here.
  15. Daze&Confused

    Daze&Confused Antiquitie's Friend

    Glad you had a good morning. Crepes sound yummy, all i've had is stale coffee, and a bucket load of ciggies.
    Hopefully the newyear will bring you joy. atleast you have a place to come and share your thoughts.

    Take Care
  16. einahpets08

    einahpets08 Member

    This, I promise you, does not make you a bad dad. It in fact makes you a super father for having the guts to ask for help for making your son happy.
    Being here and making this post shows that you have an incredibly amount of risiliance to carry on despite all of the adversity that's hit you.
    There will be points in life where it feels like every bad thing that has happened to you piles up at once, but I promise you; just from reading how sensible your post is and how much guts you must have for posting it all here, you are an individual who has a real capacity to feel better.
    Losing your job, I hope you realise, is not your fault. Sometimes the bad things that happen that aren't your fault hit just as hard as the ones you blame yourself for; I hope you don't blame yourself for any of the negatives that have befallen you.
    All I can advise is that you get yourself help. I really hope you're okay.
    It made me smile about your marriage day being the happiest day of your life.
  17. Ogre101

    Ogre101 Member

    Well I've only gone and done it. That is told my wife everything on Saturday afternoon.
    A great weight has been lifted, well for a few hours.
    Its now Sunday and my mood is as black as ever.
    One day at a time for now :(

    I'm also going to be off to see my GP one day next week, but have no idea on how to start that conversation. Any advice ??
  18. Daze&Confused

    Daze&Confused Antiquitie's Friend

    Just tell him what you've told us. He's there to help.
    Goodluck, and remember,we're always here.
  19. Labrynth

    Labrynth Active Member

    Hey Ogre,

    I'm glad you decided to talk to your wife. Things can only get better right?

    I remember when I first went to my doctor about my depression, not having a clue how to broach the subject. I was having palpatations before I went in! I thought she was just going to tell me I am an attention seeker or something! When I got in there I just said.....I want to talk to you about how I'm feeling.....and then she asked me how I'm feeling, and I said very low. She handled it from there and was really nice about it. I got a lot off my chest and she gave me some good advice. I felt much better about it afterwards. Be brave! Your GP is there to help you, and if he/she isnt very helpful then ask your surgery if you can change doctors.

    Good Luck hun, youre doing the right thing :hug:
  20. Ogre101

    Ogre101 Member

    Thanks for all your kind comments. Just a little update ....

    I have an appointment with my GP on Wednesday. I face this with both excitment and fear. Itsa really strange sensation. But I think its a better sensation than my more recent ones of anger,sadness and shame.
    As you know I told my wife what was going on, this morning I explained to my son in very simple terms as I feel he had a right to know.

    The downside of telling them is that I don't need to pretend that I'm "OK", and I've been shouting, ranting, crying, screaming a lot more. Perhaps it needs to come out. The jury is still out on that.

    Lastly I find life a little easier to cope with those around me knowing. I almost get a brief feeling of joy once in a while, unfortuantly I tend to dip down into the blackness all to quickly. The Dips are getting deeper and its touvh and go sometimes.

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