I have no more strength left to fight it.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by NaDinSin, Nov 22, 2007.

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  1. NaDinSin

    NaDinSin Member

    I have attempted suicide three times, starting from age 13, I am now 36. For the past 5 yrs my reason not to die has been my wife, what it would do to her. I am seeing a doc for major depression and border line personality disorder, but my visits with her, like my meds, are unproductive.
    I have a need deep inside that I can not live without, nor can I achive while living this life. I can no longer ignor it and I have managed to reason my wifes grief away. My need is in NO way sexuail, it is something much deeper then that. I would go into detail about it, but I can not see how that would help. I used to, and to some small degree still do, fear Gods condemnation for suicide, but I think I will have to take my chances.
    I can no longer think clear most days, I can't play with my children. I have difficulty with something so simple as reading a book. I just sit in the house on the couch lights and tv off, for hours at a time. I see no continuing reason to live. My wife and children will do far better without me after the shock has worn off. I will not do it in the house for her to find. Guess all that is left is where. What is keeping me from it then? I do not know. I am not sure if I am reaching out for help here, or just expressing myself in a forum where my identity is unknown. I have been seeing a doc since five yrs old, never helped before. What makes me think this will be any different?
  2. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    Re: I have no more streangth left to fight it.

    may be the difference it`s made because you know that most of the people here feel the same way as you do. It`s not the same to speak with a doc who you know it`s examinating your every word. if it`s so hard to read a book, you should use it as a goal to reach!! i think that you are being a little selfish(no offence) your kids will need you, doesn`t matter if you can or not walk or read or swim or whatever. you`re only for36 ,so i suppouse your kids age may be not aver 18. do you think the will want to end school and that you won`t be there giving them their diploma? or in their weddings? or some advice from you their girl/boyfriends? would you lose the chance to see a grandson or a grandaughter just because you think you have lose all the strenght in you?

    you need to be your child`s hero. and you will be if you keep yourself alive, and fight untill the end!! i`m probbably nobody to say this stuff but i wanted to give you a sight of what THEY will lose, not only their father/ husband. they`ll lose YOU. doesn`t matter how bad you are, or fell. if you can still write so, you can still alive.

    take care and pm me if you need some help:)

    go tiger!!
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 22, 2007
  3. alwaysincrisis

    alwaysincrisis Well-Known Member

    Re: I have no more streangth left to fight it.

    I am so sorry you are going through this, I too have suffered from severe depression from 13 till now (43) Is there a possibility that 'mood stabilisers' would help you? I know people with BPD and clinical depression who are on them and it has helped very much......may be worth a mention to your doc?

    Please don't beat yourself up over your inability at the moment to be strong for your family. Don't blame yourself.........you are not a bad person or an unworthy husband/father, you are just not well right now and need help.....make sure you get it.......don't give up.....if what you need right now is to sit quietly then comunicate this openly to your wife. Your mind is telling you it needs a rest..........this always works for me anyway.

    Pm me please if you are able...
  4. incombustible2000

    incombustible2000 Well-Known Member

    Re: I have no more streangth left to fight it.

    its amazing cause i feel the same way you do, and I have two children, and keep trying to rationalize why they are better off without me, its so damn hard damned if you do and damned if you dont. What kind of life is this, for them, I wish I could be more. I wish I could be the mother I should be. I am sorry to hear you have to go through this nightmare too... it hurts so much to be alive... and I cannot bare what it will do to my family. I wish I could die from some illness atleast it would be easier to deal with for them, thinking its my choice its not it just hurts so much to be alive.
  5. NaDinSin

    NaDinSin Member

    Hold on incombustable, just keep trying. I know i have no room to talk bout hope, but i will anyway. I also have wished to die of an illness. even doubled the cigs i smoke. LOL
  6. JayJay

    JayJay Well-Known Member

    Nadinsin, I too wished an illness upon myself. I tried to induce a heart attack by starving myself for a week. My thought that a natural death would not upset my family as much as suicide.

    I pray for today not to exist and for tomorrow to come.

    If I can repeat that prayer until the day comes that I am happy with, then my prayer will have been answered.

    Stay safe mate. We'll fight this one for each other.
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