I have attempted suicide three times, starting from age 13, I am now 36. For the past 5 yrs my reason not to die has been my wife, what it would do to her. I am seeing a doc for major depression and border line personality disorder, but my visits with her, like my meds, are unproductive. I have a need deep inside that I can not live without, nor can I achive while living this life. I can no longer ignor it and I have managed to reason my wifes grief away. My need is in NO way sexuail, it is something much deeper then that. I would go into detail about it, but I can not see how that would help. I used to, and to some small degree still do, fear Gods condemnation for suicide, but I think I will have to take my chances. I can no longer think clear most days, I can't play with my children. I have difficulty with something so simple as reading a book. I just sit in the house on the couch lights and tv off, for hours at a time. I see no continuing reason to live. My wife and children will do far better without me after the shock has worn off. I will not do it in the house for her to find. Guess all that is left is where. What is keeping me from it then? I do not know. I am not sure if I am reaching out for help here, or just expressing myself in a forum where my identity is unknown. I have been seeing a doc since five yrs old, never helped before. What makes me think this will be any different?