I have no purpose

[Gon With The Win]

Im 18 years old. I hate my life, but love my existence. Dont get me wrong. Being alive is a wonderful gift. However my life is terrible. I have no purpose of existing. My family hates me. Mostly because a fraction of them are blind/ignorant, and because ive had conflicts with other family members. And because I smoke Marijuana and experiment with Psychedelics, my whole family has labeled me a druggie. Even my grandparents whom I thought would never turn on me, regardless of what anyone says I thought they would always trust me and have my best interest in mind. I get treated like shit. I get called names all the time by my own family members, yet ive always tried to uphold a moral style of life. I have never intentionally hurt anyone. In my life. Never. Knowing that im not a bad person and that its most likely my environment is the only reason I feel like this. Its not even really about depression. I hate my life because nothing works out. Ive lived in poverty all my life. So depression dosnt exist in my mind. I just have the understanding that the world is just unfair.

However, now im at the end. I was working for a family member (whos an asshole all the time), but now im fired (for a very unjust reason). Probably about to be kicked out too. I have nothing, I believe it to be my surroundings as of why my life sucks so much. But now where do I go when I get kicked out? I always thought even if I did get kicked, I could just crash at my grandma's, or a friends. But it turns out blood and water are both thin. My family has abandoned me, and friends arent "real" enough to help. They only come around to use you, but when you need something? Forget about it. I cant go to college, because the old college I went to has my transcripts and refuses to send them to a new college until I pay off $600. Which I dont have AT ALL. Its bs cuz they told me my financial aid and student loans would pay for everything, plus I would have money leftover. Turned out being the opposite. If I could move out, find a cheap apartment, get a job in that town, I could possibly do something with my life. But my town dont have shit. And the town I have in mind I cant get to because no vehicle. I know I could do something with my life, but everything just goes wrong and fucks it up.

This isnt as much a depression thing. The reason I feel suicidal is because there is no purpose to my life. And I would rather be dead than homeless.

 

[total eclipse]

Time to lay off the drugs that is cash you dont have and could be using on your school payments time to show your parents and grandparents that you do care about you and where you are heading. Time to grow up yes leave the drugs behind maybe then your family would have more respect for their son
I am sorry they are abandoning you instead of getting you into some treatment because that is what you need to get back on track to find that purpose in life hugs

 

[LoveBeing]

First, welcome to the forum…

You are only 18 years old. You deserve much more time before such a “final” decision. Please think about how to live instead…

You sound intelligent. I don’t know about your other family members, but your grandparents are the way they are maybe because they love you and they don’t want to “spoil” you. Maybe they don’t understand your smoking Marijuana is just some kind of experiment. Maybe they hope that you will be able to establish yourself by focusing on your study and/or being responsible for your work…

It’s great that you love your existence. As you said, they way your family members treat you is out of ignorance. Also, your environment is probably what need to be changed…

Now let’s have a look what is actually happening. You feel that you might get kicked out and that your grandparents would not help you. Neither of this is actually true now. Right? Maybe you can rethink and see if there is anything you can do to prevent this from happening if you still wish to stay?

Or maybe you can talk to your grandparents about your thoughts/plans about the new college and town and see if they can help? Tell them how much their trust and support really means to you and how you feel about the whole situation... You know you can try and regain their trust…

As you said, you know you could do something with your life. I believe you can, too. Things can change. How you think and feel will also change. Also, you can't be sure that you have no purpose in life. What if you do have purpose to life but you just do not know what it is yet? Please give yourself more time…


With loving wishes and hugs :hug:

 

[Stranger1]

Have you thought about maybe joining the military?? You would have to quit getting high for a couple of months so when they do your blood work you will show negative..I'd recommend the Air Force.. There boot camp isn't as hard as the marines or army.. They will put you through school and you would get to travel..That was the best part when I was in..I wnet to three different countries and had a squad full of brothers..You would have a whole new family because the one thing they teach you is team work..Think about it...It would also get you out of that town you grew up in..

 

[Gon With The Win]

@total eclipse
I understand that the drugs is just screwing over my money situation. Ive slowed down.

@LoveBeing
My grandparents hate me. My whole family does. I know people have said/heard that before, but im just not gonna sling around words I dont mean. Im sure somewhere down deep inside their crooked hearts they might love me just because im blood, but other than that im nothing to them. Same way with all of my family. They will never trust me. I should have noted in my first post, that the person im working for is one of my grandfathers. Everyone in my family has abandoned me and put all their faith into my older brother. He's only a few years older than me, but they act like he is 12 years old. I would imagine because he has the mentality of a child. Thats another story, but he's basically the family's golden child so why would they need a bronze/silver? My marijuana habit is not one of addiction, or experimentation. The hallucigens once about every 5 months is what ive been expermenting with. Marjiuana is my life. Its the only reason I am alive now. It makes life not as bad, and does no harm to me. Except burning a hole in my pocket, and most jobs probably would require a drug test. But until I have a stable job that requires a drug test, I will never quit smoking marijuana. It makes life worth living. I know that sounds like a drug addicts defense so go ahead and crack down on me for that lol.

And theres no way any of my family will ever help me, or trust me. If my life relies on my family then im fucked. I think I can give myself more time, but how much longer? I know I could try to save some money, but even after ive gotten my transcripts paid off. Then ive got to buy a vehicle, and whatever stuff I would need for school or a place to live. Then there's the fact that I was given a horrible life. Why couldnt I just be born as one of those rich white kids who grows up all their life with enough money to never have a single problem in life? Even a dirt poor family would be acceptable as long as they loved and supported me. But no, I get the shit end of both. Poor, and a family that dosnt care. Is it people like me who become heroin addicts, or just washups that never amount to anything in life, just because of my circumstance?

@Stranger1
That actually sounds like a good idea. But there is a couple problems. Im not "fit". Im out of shape, and have asthma. I doubt my physical capabilities would work out right for it. Im not social either. I know im saying alot so far in just this 1 post. But when its social and around people I hardly say anything. I have alot of problems in my social department.

 

[LoveBeing]

Of course, you know your situation better…if it is true that you can only rely on yourself, you just have to work harder…good thing about being independent is that you do have more freedom…

If marijuana is that important to you, it’s up to you…you just have to work even harder, I suppose? You may also need some will power not to get too addicted to it...

Can you get another student loan for a college in the new town?

Please do not categorize yourself that way. You are 18. Everything in life is an open book for you. It’s really up to you to make up your mind as to what you want in life and then spend your energy and focus on doing what is needed for what you really want…

Doing something to get in shape and stay healthy is also important, you know…

Wish you well…

 

[roflhouse]

If I were you, I'd either take some federal subsidized and unsubsidized loans to get back into a 4 year school and do well in school in order to get a job or I'd join the military, serve for 4 years, and study with the G.I. bill.