I have no reason to keep going

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Chocolate Heartache, Mar 6, 2012.

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  1. Chocolate Heartache

    Chocolate Heartache Active Member

    I have a bunch of methods here, all reasonably lethal, I just haven't deduced the right combination and order of events. I hope to get it sorted tonight.

    I was meant to have daily input from Crisis team, but in the past few days they've cancelled me twice. I'm a doctor, physician heal thyself. I know they're busy, I understand that I'm routine, but I still feel cast aside, the least important in their schedule.

    I feel trapped mentally - the drugs won't fix me, I need therapy, but I'm too deep into crisis to refer to therapy. So, no way out.

    I feel trapped in my life, my parents are insane and will drag me back to their home to continue the abuse, if they can catch me. As a child (13-15) they *****d me out to their friend; now that my body is skinny and broken and my legs don't work, who knows what they will do to me.

    I feel trapped in my body, my immune system is eating my spinal cord and I don't think anything will fix it. They're injecting poison into my spinal fluid once a month to slow it down, but that hurts like a cast iron bitch and who knows whether it'll work? I'm on chemo weekly to stop it getting my kidneys and my lungs. I'm stuck in a wheelchair whatever the treatment.

    My career is dissolving around me. I could cope with being a deaf wheelchair-using doctor with a passion for psychiatry. My career won't survive if they diagnose me with what they're talking about diagnosing me with. Borderline personality disorder would be career suicide for me.

    There's nothing else to live for, so why not suicide? It makes sense, and my heart aches to just be allowed to stop beating. I worry that ending things the day after not getting HTT support supports a posthumous diagnosis of BPD. Unfortunately, my friends, colleagues and employers are doctors and don't think much of Borderlines.

    I don't even know any more :nonchalance: I just want out.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 6, 2012
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am in a similar postion to you, so please PM me if you would like to compare war stories...I know what it feels like to have a life one day and then have leftovers the next...I know what it feels like to see my practice fade, my friends cry over me like I am dead, and still continuing to fight...your diagnosis will not be tatooed to your arm, so it is what you will make of it...and those who do not have empathy and compassion should not be in the field...please keep posting as there are many people here who care
  3. I'm sorry you are going through this, I can't begin to imagine how you must feel!! It's a real shame that your colleagues and doctors have so little compassion, I thought they were at least the people who would have some.

    You have survived this far! Please continue to stay with us.

    Talk to us whenever you need to.
  4. Chocolate Heartache

    Chocolate Heartache Active Member

    Thanks for your advice. I waited as long as I could, then I tried to end it. My clumsy fail - I learnt to tie the noose knot beautifully, but the knot securing me at the top failed. I dangled until I blacked out, then who knows, I woke up on the floor a couple of hours later.

    I haven't admitted it yet to the psych team, because I don't want to be admitted to hospital. Part of me thinks it'd be awful to be locked onto a ward full of sick people (especially if it turns out any of them know me,) and part of me is scared that if I'm admitted I'll be sectioned and I'll never get to kill myself. I don't think I'll be able to hide it once they see me 1:1, with bloody eyes and a black bruise all over my neck, so who knows what happens next.

    My consultant's been over Borderline Personality with me (apparently I'm the first patient ever take a copy in with them) and he's decided I officially don't have BDP. I probably need the same therapies as Borderlines, because there are some common factors, but not enough to make a diagnosis and not enough for it to go on any of my employment type forms.
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