I have a bunch of methods here, all reasonably lethal, I just haven't deduced the right combination and order of events. I hope to get it sorted tonight. I was meant to have daily input from Crisis team, but in the past few days they've cancelled me twice. I'm a doctor, physician heal thyself. I know they're busy, I understand that I'm routine, but I still feel cast aside, the least important in their schedule. I feel trapped mentally - the drugs won't fix me, I need therapy, but I'm too deep into crisis to refer to therapy. So, no way out. I feel trapped in my life, my parents are insane and will drag me back to their home to continue the abuse, if they can catch me. As a child (13-15) they *****d me out to their friend; now that my body is skinny and broken and my legs don't work, who knows what they will do to me. I feel trapped in my body, my immune system is eating my spinal cord and I don't think anything will fix it. They're injecting poison into my spinal fluid once a month to slow it down, but that hurts like a cast iron bitch and who knows whether it'll work? I'm on chemo weekly to stop it getting my kidneys and my lungs. I'm stuck in a wheelchair whatever the treatment. My career is dissolving around me. I could cope with being a deaf wheelchair-using doctor with a passion for psychiatry. My career won't survive if they diagnose me with what they're talking about diagnosing me with. Borderline personality disorder would be career suicide for me. There's nothing else to live for, so why not suicide? It makes sense, and my heart aches to just be allowed to stop beating. I worry that ending things the day after not getting HTT support supports a posthumous diagnosis of BPD. Unfortunately, my friends, colleagues and employers are doctors and don't think much of Borderlines. I don't even know any more :nonchalance: I just want out.