I have no where left to run

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by nowhereleftohide, Jul 4, 2016.

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  1. nowhereleftohide

    nowhereleftohide New Member

    I'm done, I’ve just had enough. I’ve given up all hope of getting better. I’m just tired of trying to get better. Everything I try doesn’t work. No matter what I do, there a fucking brick wall that stands in my way. I would lie if I said I haven’t thought about ending it all. Honesty, the only thing that keeps me alive is my parents, but even that is starting to slip. I’ve read stories of parents dealing with their kid’s suicide, and putting them through that is something I could never do. But honesty, I don’t know what else to do. I feel like my options are exhausted and my suicide is inevitable. I can feel the depression eating away at my sanity. I just want it to stop. I'm not really religious but I beg God everyday to kill me. Whether by accident or have someone rob a store I was in and shoot me. If I died by an accident or during a robbery it would less painful for my parents.

    Honesty, I'm a pathetic human being. I'm pretty sure there's something wrong with my brain, because my brain doesn't process words as fast as other people, so I have to ask people multiple times to repeat themselves. I’m blind to things that are right in front of me. I feel that I can't do anything right. For example, if you were to tell me to go to the other room and get something, say a pen, I would go into that room and look up and down the room and not find the pen. Then you would come in and pick one up that was right in front of me. Whenever something good happens to me, I always find a way to fuck it up. I guess that's the only thing im good at. I have an impulse control problem. Im loud and obnoxious sometimes and I say stupid things all the time in public. Every time I go out I inevitably my myself look like an ass. I find that almost every person I meet i deem untrustworthy( I have Paranoid Personality Disorder) I sometimes tell them things that I normally wouldn't tell people. I then immediately regret it. things slip out of my mouth all the time. I stay in my room and keep to myself. I don't like being out in public.

    I’ve only been depressed for a little while now(about a year or so), but it’s gotten really bad and it's getting worst and worst by the day. It started after I broke up with my girlfriend, whom I was absolute best friends with for 6 years prior. When I was with her, I still had issues with other friends of mine and what not, but I allows had a feeling that everything was going to be ok because I had someone who liked me. I know that my parents love me, but with her it was different. I think its because she didn’t have too. She liked me for who I was. It was cool to think I did things that made her like me. She had Borderline Personality Disorder and I know how she was,but I still went out with her. I allowed my feelings for her to cloud my judgment. This is all my fault. If I had stepped back and thought about all of the variables, I would still have my best friend and I wouldn't be depressed. I guess this is what I get.

    I don't want to die, I just want to stop feeling this pain. I don't know where else to turn and suicide looks like the only way. I just don't know what to do.

    Thank you if you read this whole thing. I really do appreciate you taking the time to read this.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there and I'm so sorry for the late reply. I did read your whole post and I am so sorry you are going through this. It does sound like you have concentration problems, depression can cause that but regardless I would definiely mentionit to your doctor/psychiatrist/therapist. I'm sorry you are feeling so low but know you are not alone in this battle we are here and we do care. I have BPD so can understand a bit of what was going on with your girlfriend. Please turn to the people who are helping you and to be people who have diagnosed you, sad to hear you suffer with paranoid personality disorder. I care! (hugs) keep us updated pal @nowhereleftohide
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