I would like to end my life. On the outside, I seem to be a happy person. I am well respected and liked by everyone I know from my profession. People even admire me! Inside, I feel intense pain and extreme isolation. I feel that I have to work extremely hard all the time, and the my efforts have absolutely no result. My life is like pushing a boulder uphill all day only to go to a joyless home, have a restless sleep, then return to work the next day to find the boulder back at the bottom. The future seems very bleak. I am extremely lonely, though surrounded by people. I fluctuate between feeling nothing and feeling pain. I look around trying to find something to bring me joy, to connect me to others, to have something to look forward to. There is nothing. Sex is the only thing I have left I even like and I love sex. All the same things are still around me, but as time goes on, I care less and less for them. I consider myself a failure as a parent. My children pay almost no attention to me. After my brother's death (car crash), I resolved not to end my life during my mother's life time. It's hard for parents to lose a child, whereas children burying their parent is a very normal thing. But it's getting harder for me to keep that promise I made to myself. She may live another 10 years or more, and I need an exit soon!