I have no will to live anymore

I would like to end my life. On the outside, I seem to be a happy person. I am well respected and liked by everyone I know from my profession. People even admire me!
Inside, I feel intense pain and extreme isolation. I feel that I have to work extremely hard all the time, and the my efforts have absolutely no result. My life is like pushing a boulder uphill all day only to go to a joyless home, have a restless sleep, then return to work the next day to find the boulder back at the bottom. The future seems very bleak.
I am extremely lonely, though surrounded by people. I fluctuate between feeling nothing and feeling pain. I look around trying to find something to bring me joy, to connect me to others, to have something to look forward to. There is nothing.
Sex is the only thing I have left I even like and I love sex. All the same things are still around me, but as time goes on, I care less and less for them.
I consider myself a failure as a parent. My children pay almost no attention to me.
After my brother's death (car crash), I resolved not to end my life during my mother's life time. It's hard for parents to lose a child, whereas children burying their parent is a very normal thing. But it's getting harder for me to keep that promise I made to myself. She may live another 10 years or more, and I need an exit soon!

 

Perhaps vouulteer - help others.
Help a neighbor who needs help.
Stop giving up . buy a puppy. or better yet - a cat, perhaps my brother.
Find love - but understand - love is giving unconditionally , not receiving.

sending you healing thoughts.
hugs , Sadcat

 

Well, Sadcat, I have all those things. My whole life is about doing things for other people. It's just that when I think of what I want for myself, the only answer that has any draw is non-existence.

 

MaddScott, I am sorry that you would like to end your life, I am sorry as well that to you the future seems bleak, when I lost my job it was pretty much the same, I was making more then my boss I had been there almost 18 years, she had not been there half that time, but I was still doing well, made a Bonus most years, I was not happy but it is hard to change at least it was for me,
I have a feeling that I am not hearing it all, I am not asking for more, I am just saying! I feel the pain now along with the isolation so I know where you are coming from, It hurts. I hope that you do keep that promise you made, I imagine it was made after seeing how hard it is to lose a loved one, I hope that you can hold On! I believe that you have some unfinished business, it is not my place to tell you what you should or shouldn't do, you have free will, I am wondering what is happening that is pushing you faster, I am in the same state more or less from what you are saying, so I do have some idea where your mind set is, think about it, why the hurry, I am not judging you or anything like that, it just seems to me, I am sorry if I am repeating myself, but it is like looking at a puzzle with some pieces missing. I might be wrong I would be interested in talking to you more if you like or not, it is up to you and not my call, I do wish you the best in whatever you decide, I hope you will try and let the people that care about you in here reach out to you and try to give you the support that you need sometimes we might not want it, but we all know we need a little help from time to time!
I am here on an off, i know you work but I have no idea where you are from so if you do want to talk let me know, or if you don't you can let me know that too but it is as you probably know, not required!
Thank you for your time and attention!