I have no words for tonight.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by bboxer, Dec 3, 2012.

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  1. bboxer

    bboxer Member

    EVERYTHING, and I mean everyting, is happening all at once in my life and tonight feels likes it just been too much.

    I don't have anyone really that I can explain this to at this point in my life so im going to let it all out here.

    Very recently, like the last three months i have totally had like four major breakdowns in front of my parents, as i live with them these days. I have before been very very vigilant in 'being ok' in front of them, holding all my shit inside and avoiding anything that would let them on to my never ending draining depressive life.

    Yes they know I am depressed...but never to the extent that i have let myself travel. I am totally an alcoholic. Alcohol and depression are not my friend and have lead to me revealing all that dirty shit that brings someone to this point in this life...alcohol, self harm, wanting to die etc. Btw im a recently 26 year old male.

    Anyway my grandfather is going to die any day now, and i feel completely distant to this...i am distant to everything. I am also dreading it. He was never really important in my life as he was quite miserable and horrid as a grandparent despite family attempts to always gather around him (Christmas, Thanksgiving etc always at his house)...which is horrible as he is one of only two grandparents i have ever known. Neither of my grandfathers were very nice. Never met a grandmother. I have no relation to people who love their grandparents...

    Anyway... tonight im holding on as per usual, drinking even though i have told my mother i will NEVER again sneak alcohol into her home. I have two days off from work...wtf am i going to do other than drink? Anyway, everything is awkward and horrid tonight.

    Im doing my same old, depressive, distant, annoyed son routine....my Mother is the basement DRANKING wine avoiding my fathers drama over his father and my father is in their room acting...strange, the way im sure i behave while making others worried about me/drinking.

    I literally feel like the 'stable world' around me, the one that is supposed to help me, be smarter than be is just as unstable as me...and i can't handle it. Or something. It all just feels so bad, so real and uncomfortable and i fucking hate it.

    I am supposed to see a doctor on Jan 2nd and have been on that waiting list for ages since my first massive breakdown. I want to make it. But in the last day or so i have been self harming again after years...and this is not a sign i welcome. I am horrified.

    I am selfish and have no compassion in the face of someone dying! I feel like I only care about for how i will feel and this is so disgusting to me.

    I can't live this way...the next two weeks are key.
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You are a difficult situation and you have readily identified th eroot cause to the vast majority of the problems which is the alcohol. You need to get help to eliminate that, be it AA, some other support type group or rehab. So long as you cannot control that you will not be able to control the other issues. You do not need to set a date to go do something about it, you do not need to wait for a Dr appt, you need to look through the phone book or failing that call a local clergyman and find an alcohol support group. When you get there, if religion piece does not work for you then ask the people there about alternative type groups, very likely they will have some ideas where to turn for that.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
  3. jnick

    jnick Well-Known Member

    I can relate to your situation on several levels. I am an alcoholic, secondly my life has gone from fairly OK with nice apartment, girl, job, some recovery to complete suicidal misery and isolation. Find something you care about and hold on to it. The demon rum will do you in eventually if you are truly alcoholic. Been in and out of AA andrecently my problems are so far removed from alcoholism and so far out of range of my meetings I just dont bother. Try to just not give a flying fuck and stay out of jail.
     
  4. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    My apologies about your pop, it is never easy to receive news when someone you have known all of your life does not have much time in this World and, considering that I lost both f my grand parents within three years of each other, I can complete relate to what you are going though. Those were some of the more trying times of my life and what i would not give to go back and spend just one ore week with them just to be able to spend time with them and for a bit longer, because they had such great stories that they told me of what life was like when they grew up and how much they taught me and I regret it now that now that they have been gone for five years, I am left with an empty void because of all of things that I never really paid much attention to, but even though I have regrets about not spending much time with them, I know that I still have their memories and the good times we had whenever I went to visit them on Christmas and Easter Day.
    But just because I have regrets that i did not do much while my pop and nan were alive, and that I was close to them, if I can pass on some advice y=to you, if you will let me? Even if you do not get along very well, please at least try and make the effort to send what little time you have with your pop, and try and enjoy the last moments you both will both have together, because even though it is going to have a sad experience, it is best to be there with him until the end. It does not matter about any bad blood between you (so to speak) and, while I do not know the exact circumstances for the wedge that seems to have drive you apart, you should spend his last moments together and bond with all of the good and happy times that you both spent together; no mater what happened in the past, this is your last chance to say what you always wanted to say to your pop and if you let that slip through your fingers, then you will spend months, perhaps the rest of your life living in guilt over not being to make up when he passes away.
    So while things may be difficult for you, I urge you to go visit him now, while you have the chance and let each other other know how much you mean to each other, because once your pop leaves, there is nothing in the World that can mend your broken ties with him. It does not matter if you got along with him or not, but even so, one should always hold our elders with respect, no mater what happened in the past and if you are able mend some wounds right now, and let each other know just how much you mean to each other,, you will not spent the rest of your life depressed or full of regrets about the things you were never able to tell him.
     
  5. bboxer

    bboxer Member

    You know I try really hard here...

    Try to be positive, reasonable in chat etc...

    None of this lines up with life...I can't win. There is so little care anywhere.

    Im going to die and right now i dont care. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Unlikely.

    I am over it. Im over.
     
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