EVERYTHING, and I mean everyting, is happening all at once in my life and tonight feels likes it just been too much. I don't have anyone really that I can explain this to at this point in my life so im going to let it all out here. Very recently, like the last three months i have totally had like four major breakdowns in front of my parents, as i live with them these days. I have before been very very vigilant in 'being ok' in front of them, holding all my shit inside and avoiding anything that would let them on to my never ending draining depressive life. Yes they know I am depressed...but never to the extent that i have let myself travel. I am totally an alcoholic. Alcohol and depression are not my friend and have lead to me revealing all that dirty shit that brings someone to this point in this life...alcohol, self harm, wanting to die etc. Btw im a recently 26 year old male. Anyway my grandfather is going to die any day now, and i feel completely distant to this...i am distant to everything. I am also dreading it. He was never really important in my life as he was quite miserable and horrid as a grandparent despite family attempts to always gather around him (Christmas, Thanksgiving etc always at his house)...which is horrible as he is one of only two grandparents i have ever known. Neither of my grandfathers were very nice. Never met a grandmother. I have no relation to people who love their grandparents... Anyway... tonight im holding on as per usual, drinking even though i have told my mother i will NEVER again sneak alcohol into her home. I have two days off from work...wtf am i going to do other than drink? Anyway, everything is awkward and horrid tonight. Im doing my same old, depressive, distant, annoyed son routine....my Mother is the basement DRANKING wine avoiding my fathers drama over his father and my father is in their room acting...strange, the way im sure i behave while making others worried about me/drinking. I literally feel like the 'stable world' around me, the one that is supposed to help me, be smarter than be is just as unstable as me...and i can't handle it. Or something. It all just feels so bad, so real and uncomfortable and i fucking hate it. I am supposed to see a doctor on Jan 2nd and have been on that waiting list for ages since my first massive breakdown. I want to make it. But in the last day or so i have been self harming again after years...and this is not a sign i welcome. I am horrified. I am selfish and have no compassion in the face of someone dying! I feel like I only care about for how i will feel and this is so disgusting to me. I can't live this way...the next two weeks are key.