I have no worth.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by summers, Apr 28, 2013.

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  1. summers

    summers New Member

    I have currently been struggling with depression for a couple of years now (I have also in the past). Some days/weeks it's great. I can get by just fine, or rather on a apathetic scale. Then others, it's all down hill. And lately, it's mostly bad. I've know gotten to the point where I feel I won't overcome it, and I have been thinking about suicide. Now, I must say I don't feel I have the courage to commit it, but at the same time I don't see a future for myself.

    I have talked to my friends about it, and most of them suggest to "Go out!" "Find some hobby." "Do something about it, and stop feeling sorry for yourself." but the thing is, I don't want to. I also feel as if they aren't quite understanding what I am getting at. Maybe it's because in light of recent events, it has brought me to speak up about it, and now they think that me being slightly heartbroken has brought some melodramatic depression about. So, it's probably my fault for saying it at a time like this. This is why I am here, because no one will take me seriously.

    For the longest time I have felt so lost. Feeling that I have nothing to offer to the world, and it has nothing to offer me. So, this has eventually come to the conclusion, why should I exist then? Why am I here? I fail at everything I try. I see so many people around me, who are happy, who have degree's, who have job's, who have someone to love, ect: and I can't seem to get that for myself, and I also don't see myself getting any of that.

    Maybe I shouldn't expect so much at 22. But I expect a lot from myself because I know if I don't push myself; I will get left behind. But look where it's gotten me. No where. I still feel like I am losing a battle I can never win. No matter what I do.

    I cry most days, and I hide because I'm ashamed. People around me make me feel ashamed for feeling this way. Making me feel like it's petty to want to end my life, or to be depressed over not feeling that I have any worth. They just think I can go out and find it, or it will happen in time.

    When I was 14 I remember turning to an eating disorder because I wanted control. I didn't want to be skinny. I wanted to have something I could control. Even when I got over this depressive patch, my stomach had shrank so small that I couldn't eat even if I wanted to. It go to the point where I weighed under 5 stone. (31kg) So, in retrospect I've always had these issues. I've just kept them under wraps of distraction. At times, and even now I'm not eating well. In the last few days I have eaten 3 meals in total. :/

    19 hit, and I had to choose a university course. This brought up all kind of worries and stress. "What if I am choosing the wrong path?" "Am I doing the right thing?" At the last minute I quit my course and jumped quickly to another. That course I jumped on to was much more stressful and I remember skipping lessons and sitting around the park just so I didn't have to confront people to tell them that I had failed again. I eventually opened up, and quit the course.

    If I skip a couple of years, where I sat around doing basically nothing and feeling like nothing. (Details would be long) I created my own reality for myself during this time. I had, had enough at this point and told myself that I should go back to college otherwise I will be nothing forever. I went back, and slowly gained some confidence back in the real world. Then decided to go to university.

    I went to university at the start of September - new city as well. Lots of new people. But again, I found myself lost. I couldn't "fit" in. I cried a lot and wanted to do anything but that course, and wanted to be anywhere but there. I knew that maybe a few people would feel the same way, but I had told myself that the stress is never worth it. So, I went home and I am now studying at a place closer to home.

    But again, I am doing the current course because it's required of me. Not because I want to do it. Being honest, I don't know what I want. And it makes me feel worthless. Utterly. A failure. I am now coming to the end of the course year, to which I have stressed myself out so much. I haven't had the time for anything this past year. I mean, nothing. I have dedicated myself to it, because I really want to have something in my life. And I failed a project, and if I fail my last piece (which I think I will because I am losing the motivation to), I fail the whole year.

    I gave all my time, but I still seem to fail at something. Which just tells me, I am not meant to do it. What am I meant to do? I have no money to search for what I am meant to do. I don't have the time either.

    I have nothing to give. Nothing. So why even bother? I'm fed up of trying and failing, over and over. I just can't do it anymore.
     
  2. Kezzie

    Kezzie Well-Known Member

    Hi Summers and welcome to SF.
    I want to start by telling you, you are NOT alone. A lot of people on this forum are here because it is the last place we can turn to for support. I can sympathise with you in a lot of situations you have discussed. I was recently diagnosed with depression and anxiety/panic disorder after a recent suicide attempt, so I do understand what it is like to have days where you feel utterly fine and then out of nowhere a huge black hole opens up and sucks you in and you feel you cannot escape. It’s the most horrible feeling in the world and you feel so alone and so worthless. But you’re not. You are worth something. You are important.

    As for your friends and what they say, I can’t really comment as I am very isolated in my life, but what I will say is that people who do not completely understand an issue, will attempt to avoid that issue, especially if discussing it makes them uncomfortable. I want you to know that I am here, and I will take you seriously. This is NOT in any way your fault.
    Everyone is here for a reason, no matter how hard that is to believe sometimes. There is no one on this planet quite like you. No one who can do the things you can or influence the world the way you can. We are all special, we are all important in the long run. We just have to have faith and trust ourselves. As for the whole employment and degrees thing, you can get that if that’s what you want. You have to want it! I’m also 22. I did the whole move away from home thing 2 years ago but for different reasons to you. Mine was out of necessity rather than choice and I no longer have the option to move back. You can win. You just have to believe you can do it.

    I honestly don’t remember the last time I went a day without crying, I honestly don’t, but there is a quote I found ;people cry, not because they are weak, but because they have been too strong for too long.’ It’s ok to cry. It took me a while to realise this, but it is honestly ok to cry. It’s not petty and it’s not something you can just turn on and off when you choose. Sometimes it’s just necessary.

    There is one more thing I want to say to you, something that was recently pointed out to me. You say you don’t have the courage to commit suicide, the fact you are even contemplating suicide tells me you are in a very dark place and need someone to turn on the light. Let me try. It takes more strength to reach out to someone and say ‘I NEED HELP’ than it does to end our life. It is more courageous to do what you are doing and carry on. To go one more day when things are truly at they’re worst is incredible. YOU ARE INCREDIBLE. Please message me whenever. I am here for you. I am here.
     
  3. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Hi. I'm going to have a go at replying, I hope it helps more than hinders but do not expect it to all be what you want to hear.

    This particular line stood out for me, because apart from the 'stop feeling sorry for yourself' part of it, the rest is pretty solid advice. You then say, in that line, that you don't want to. If you don't want to listen to advice, that is your choice, but how are things going to ever change if you do nothing?

    Comparing yourself to others is one of the biggest faux pas that could be made. How can you be who you want yourself to be if you're constantly looking around and taking in what is surrounding you, and letting what others do with their own lives control how you feel? You feel lost and that you have nothing to offer the world, but what do you actually do to help yourself? You're post goes on to state that you've struggled with depression for the last couple of years, and have done before, can I ask what it is that's brought it about?

    You turned to an eating disorder for control. Yet if this is hampering your health in such a way that it's making some of your depression feel even worse, would it not be an idea to gradually try increasing your appetite and food intake? You still have control, only by doing so you'd be taking responsibility for the body that you've developed into over the years, and have the potential to make yourself feel better by achieving something that many who don't understand depression take for granted. As you are 22, you're an adult and responsible for yourself.

    What this says to me is that you struggle to be consistent and follow a choice to a productive end. All academics have stresses and worries along the way, so to state that you are jumping from one course to another suggests that you are avoiding looking after yourself, and towards living your life the way you want to. Stress is going to be there in a majority of careers/relationships - so if stress is never worth it, isn't that going to mean you could duck out just when things don't go the way you want them to?

    As no-one is perfect, there is going to be something that everyone gets wrong, or fails when they try. Some just find it easier to get back up than others. Does it cost to try all the things you have never done before? And to state you don't have the time is like you finding any excuse you can to avoid hard graft, because of your perception of stress.

    Maybe you need to consider what it is you actively do, and communicate with someone rather than keeping it all in. Sounds to me that you're allowing other circumstances/emotions control what your life is like, instead of dealing with locating what you want to do. At 22, is it always necessary to be clear in knowing what you want to do? No. People look for ways to change careers in their 30s/40s/50s, which shows that anyone is capable of anything, some just choose to not accept that anything is possible going forwards.
     
  4. ing_a

    ing_a New Member

    That is the worst, when people who have never experienced depression and don't know how it feels tell you to "snap out of it" and "stop feeling sorry for yourself." I tried to communicate to several people that I am struggling with depression, but no one takes me seriously.. Then I am asking myself too, why bother, when no one cares anyway?
     
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