I have currently been struggling with depression for a couple of years now (I have also in the past). Some days/weeks it's great. I can get by just fine, or rather on a apathetic scale. Then others, it's all down hill. And lately, it's mostly bad. I've know gotten to the point where I feel I won't overcome it, and I have been thinking about suicide. Now, I must say I don't feel I have the courage to commit it, but at the same time I don't see a future for myself. I have talked to my friends about it, and most of them suggest to "Go out!" "Find some hobby." "Do something about it, and stop feeling sorry for yourself." but the thing is, I don't want to. I also feel as if they aren't quite understanding what I am getting at. Maybe it's because in light of recent events, it has brought me to speak up about it, and now they think that me being slightly heartbroken has brought some melodramatic depression about. So, it's probably my fault for saying it at a time like this. This is why I am here, because no one will take me seriously. For the longest time I have felt so lost. Feeling that I have nothing to offer to the world, and it has nothing to offer me. So, this has eventually come to the conclusion, why should I exist then? Why am I here? I fail at everything I try. I see so many people around me, who are happy, who have degree's, who have job's, who have someone to love, ect: and I can't seem to get that for myself, and I also don't see myself getting any of that. Maybe I shouldn't expect so much at 22. But I expect a lot from myself because I know if I don't push myself; I will get left behind. But look where it's gotten me. No where. I still feel like I am losing a battle I can never win. No matter what I do. I cry most days, and I hide because I'm ashamed. People around me make me feel ashamed for feeling this way. Making me feel like it's petty to want to end my life, or to be depressed over not feeling that I have any worth. They just think I can go out and find it, or it will happen in time. When I was 14 I remember turning to an eating disorder because I wanted control. I didn't want to be skinny. I wanted to have something I could control. Even when I got over this depressive patch, my stomach had shrank so small that I couldn't eat even if I wanted to. It go to the point where I weighed under 5 stone. (31kg) So, in retrospect I've always had these issues. I've just kept them under wraps of distraction. At times, and even now I'm not eating well. In the last few days I have eaten 3 meals in total. :/ 19 hit, and I had to choose a university course. This brought up all kind of worries and stress. "What if I am choosing the wrong path?" "Am I doing the right thing?" At the last minute I quit my course and jumped quickly to another. That course I jumped on to was much more stressful and I remember skipping lessons and sitting around the park just so I didn't have to confront people to tell them that I had failed again. I eventually opened up, and quit the course. If I skip a couple of years, where I sat around doing basically nothing and feeling like nothing. (Details would be long) I created my own reality for myself during this time. I had, had enough at this point and told myself that I should go back to college otherwise I will be nothing forever. I went back, and slowly gained some confidence back in the real world. Then decided to go to university. I went to university at the start of September - new city as well. Lots of new people. But again, I found myself lost. I couldn't "fit" in. I cried a lot and wanted to do anything but that course, and wanted to be anywhere but there. I knew that maybe a few people would feel the same way, but I had told myself that the stress is never worth it. So, I went home and I am now studying at a place closer to home. But again, I am doing the current course because it's required of me. Not because I want to do it. Being honest, I don't know what I want. And it makes me feel worthless. Utterly. A failure. I am now coming to the end of the course year, to which I have stressed myself out so much. I haven't had the time for anything this past year. I mean, nothing. I have dedicated myself to it, because I really want to have something in my life. And I failed a project, and if I fail my last piece (which I think I will because I am losing the motivation to), I fail the whole year. I gave all my time, but I still seem to fail at something. Which just tells me, I am not meant to do it. What am I meant to do? I have no money to search for what I am meant to do. I don't have the time either. I have nothing to give. Nothing. So why even bother? I'm fed up of trying and failing, over and over. I just can't do it anymore.