I Have Nothing Left. Nothing to live for. **VERY TRIGGERING**

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shiori, Mar 29, 2012.

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  1. Shiori

    Shiori Member

    Please don't read if you are feeling suicidal... TRIGGERING.

    I've done so much to try to be happy, but I cannot reach it. I've resisted any and all of my urges to commit suicide throughout all the years I've been depressed but now it's gotten to the point that I have no reason to live at all. I am 100% completely talentless. No matter how hard I try I'm not good enough to succeed at anything. The worst part of it all and the tell-tale sign it's time to go and that I have nothing to live for is I no longer have ANY goals, any dreams or any ambitions in my life. I don't want a single thing out of life. All the pleasure is gone out of my life; No, I don't want to move out of this house with my parents, I don't want a house of my own, I don't want to own any animals, I don't want to get married, I don't want a well-paying job, I don't want to have friends, I don't want to be happy.

    Don't tell me things will get better, because even though it's the case for some people it's not the case for everyone. I've waited and stayed here for over a decade holding on when people first started to tell me that. "It will get better after middle school." "It will get better after high school." "It will get better after you get your first job," etc etc... I'll be 24 in a few months and nothing has changed for the better. Taking it day by day just doesn't work either. Don't tell me I just need to go out and find a passion of mine or to help other people or animals. I've tried that to some extent, and there is no passion left and it doesn't help fix me. Don't tell me how heartbroken people will be if I were to leave. As heartless as it sounds, I just DON'T care. I never asked to be alive and it should be my right to end my life when I want to. I don't WANT to hurt them, but it's not my problem. People here will tell me they care, but it doesn't matter to me. I don't know you, you don't know me. Don't tell me it's just my illness that is clouding my perspective and I can get better, because whether or not that is the case I have no more strength to try to get myself better... because I don't have a single thing to live for and I know I won't find anything that will make this pain worthwhile. Like I said, I don't want to get better.

    Death is a scary thing in some ways. Humans are programmed so deeply to survive that even in moments of unbearable emotional agony our bodies will try to resist it. The rate of failed attempts is so much higher than ones that succeed because of this. Suicide isn't going to be an easy task. Suicide for me might be doubly more difficult because I have a phobia to go along with the biological programming to survive: I am emetophobic. I fear throwing up and feeling nauseous. Taking pills is obviously out of the question... I've done a lot of researching and may have found a method... but it's not going to be an easy task to even get what I need. I feel like a bird trapped in a cage. This is going to be immensely difficult, but so is living.

    I am posting this to try to make it through to a few more weeks... there's some things that need to be done before I leave. I promised friends I'd go to an event with them in April too... I'm not happy to have made this decision, I'm not happy at all. But this is how it's got to be. I knew it would end like this since I was a child. I could feel it...
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOU are only 24 hun Everything you have said is depression speaking every word is that of a clouded mind full of sadness. I will tell you i have been where you are i have hit bottom where there was no hope i did not want to go on and at times i revisit those thoughts. Therapy talking to a therapist does help if the last therapist did not then you look for a new one that will help you Meds and i know people get mad at me for say this but each day they are coming out with new meds to treat hard to treat depression I have seen these meds change lives I hope you do hold on hun you go out with your friends but you also start opening up new path ways to heal okay You keep posting you keep reaching out for support until your mind does heal and you do start feeling again.
     
  3. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    If there were no practical limits or inconveniences, if all u wanted could come true, if u had all the time and no rules at all about how life should be lived- would you desire anything? Would you want to live then?

    Its a serious question. I know nothing about you but i know one of many types of pain of a life thats always on the edge and closer to giving up then even a bit of joy. I dont think life is better then death, i dont understand either.
    But i do feel that if theres really nothing to lose we should at least be able to feel something.

    Was it ever good for you?

    Fuck it sucks. I have such urge to say bunch of crap cause lives of others always seem to have a solution. Yea right. So without anything to say, just know another person from some other nightmare wishes that some other way is still there. Cause then i can believe too.
     
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I doubt that you are completely talentless...everyone has at least one talent. Maybe you just don't know what that is yet, but there's always something to discover about yourself. There must be something in life that you enjoy...even at my lowest points, there are still things that make me happy. I guess that's why I haven't done it yet. It's true that you don't know me and I don't know you, but I do care because I know how it feels to be at that point. I know you don't want to be convinced not to do it, but I really hope you don't. I don't think it has to be that way at all. You may not see it now, but there are good things for you.
     
  5. Shiori

    Shiori Member

    I appreciate the replies... I can't find anything that makes me happy long enough though. And there may be good things for me, but I don't have the ability to enjoy them and I never will.

    The questions you asked made me think "even if I could have all I wanted I still wouldn't be... happy enough to enjoy them so it wouldn't matter," but I'm assuming you mean if I could happiness as well along with all that. I assume I would take it instead of death as long it was a guarantee. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees and that's just a fantasy. And by "was it ever good for you?" do you mean was I ever happy? I have an answer for that, but I'll leave it out since I'm not sure that's what you mean. Thanks for your reply as well.
     
  6. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I understand people being unhappy. I lost my son to suicide, can anyone be any more unhappy than I?
    People who want to do suicide don't realize what they leave behind and how much they hurt others. I would much rather see people who are unhappy devote their time and efforts into helping other people... volunteering at animal shelters, or working with troubled teens, or doing something to help improve the world in some way.
    What would life be if it were perfect and there were no challenge?
     
  7. SweetJane88

    SweetJane88 Member


    This is exactly what i'm thinking atm. Last night was literally my last chance, my last desperate attempt at hope. It was almost like God purposely did this to really show how much he really doest fucking exist for anyone who needs him. Anyways, i cried reading this because you made me realize I had to wait too. at least you have til April I have to wait til September and that made me feel so painful. I'm doing it though. I dont know if i can hold out til september, but i need to do ths at this point. im basically homeless in the next few days and i can't look back. i dont need to be here anymore. its not worth it. i think you have your rights too and u dont deserve misery.
     
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