I have nothing (my life-story)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by EspenN, Nov 19, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. EspenN

    EspenN Well-Known Member

    Okay, it's the first time I open up anywhere about my life ... except to five psychologists (or something) who didn't manage to help in any way. I don't know if this belongs here or in the crisis forum, but I decided to put it here because I want to try to travel around some before I eventually probably kill myself.

    -------------------------------------------------------------

    When I was 6 my two best friends thought it would be fun to make up a lie to the teacher, so they told her that I had tackled one of them in the woods just outside the school area while playing football. The teacher believed them without even caring to ask me, so she put me in front of class and made everyone first tell me what "could have happened", then actually made them tell me all the flaws they could think of about me. After that I were bullied with and people told me how worthless I was and .. stuff .. every single day at school. No one wanted to be my friend, and the teacher used me as a scapegoat for all bad things. It went on like this for four years before I got one friend, who just cared being there for a few months until he heard the bad things everyone said about me ... then he turned his back to me just as everyone else. So I stayed friendless until I saved a girl from getting hit by bus, and I broke all of my ribs. There I actually got a friend, until she killed herself after as short time as two weeks. None of my family really liked me, I were blamed for everything that happened even if I could prove I wasn't there. Again I were friendless until I started in high school, where I got a friend (girl) which I eventually fell in love with ... and when I told her how I felt she simply left and told it to everyone so I were made a big joke again. I didn't manage to go in school anymore this fall, also since I were thrown out by my parents, so I tried to get a job. Lucky as I were, the whole world got into a big economical crisis at that time and I got absolutely nothing. I applied to everything I found, but didn't even get answers. So I lived outdoor, yay me, and it worked just fine until it started getting damn cold. I tried getting in contact with the government to get some help, but they actually ignored me. I managed to break into some ├╝ber-old car and steal it so I shouldn't freeze to death ... and I've lived there for a week, trying to apply for jobs and earn money ... but without any luck. Now I am tired of it, and there are two thought that's in my mind at this moment:

    1. Simply kill myself.
    2. Run away from this fucking country, living as an outsider just traveling around.

    I haven't experienced true happiness in 11 years, so I don't even remember how it feels to be happy. I've never had any real contact with people, and the only contact I've had with girls has been for one night .. which isn't really what I want. I don't know anything that could be worse in my life, death would be welcomed ... I have a deathwish, and every day is a fight not to simply kill myself.

    Does anyone has any suggestions what I could do? Where I could go? I have given up getting a life, so it'd just be where I could go to meet someone interesting or nice or something ... where I could maybe experience something good.
     
  2. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    Why would you run away from Norway, I dont think it gets any better in the world as far as social services go if you are unemployed and have issues then the scandinavian countries
     
  3. EspenN

    EspenN Well-Known Member

    I didn't think so either before I experienced it... they haven't even tried to help me at all. I want to run away to see more of the world, simple enough. Maybe I could be a little bit happy too, before I ended .. it.
     
  4. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    I dont know the world is a very cruel place especially when you dont have a job and are unemployed, I know the scandinavian countries have high taxes which cause a good social service for the underclass, but I could be wrong

    I wish I could have lived in Norway about a year ago when things were getting bad for me, here in America you pretty much need to be rich in order to get help, I went to a Hospital 2 months ago saying I felt suicidal and they wouldnt admit me because I didnt have health insurance, they pretty much made me sign a waiver saying I wouldnt kill myself so they wouldnt be liable
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.