I have nothing to loose now.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by miker, Mar 14, 2007.

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  1. miker

    miker New Member

    I dont ever talk about this realy...to anyone, only online i guess u can say. Im Mike im 19 from Philadelphia, and my whole life at home was so fucked up, My step mom would pick on me so much it got to the point where i didnt want to get food in kitchen cause i heard her footsteps upstairs. My dad never saw it he was blinded by her, he was basicly whipped. when i turned 17 my 18 yr old step brother died of lukemia. Shortly after that she couldnt stand my presence at all she would tell me to go upstairs when she was downstairs. Well now my step brother died im 17 and now she told me she dont want me to live home anymore and my dad fallows through with her plan with a smile. Now i have been living out of a suitcase for the past almolst 2 years now. I live in the Neshaminy Inn a dirty hotel for 25 dollars a day. I actualy found a needle under my bed. But anyway One day i applyed for CHI instatute and out of my father's wife's spite he told me he will stop paying for my motel and im going on welfare because i applied at CHI...so now i blew my computer dream career of network administration. I live here in the hotel with my computer, no money and an access card, I havnt eatin in 2 days now I cant use my card at wawa or any convienient store around, they dont accpet them, So now im so hungry and been through so much shit at this point i feel as if my body is naturaly trying to self destruct. I want to rest i dont want to die but i do, I been reading the bible in tears every night for a year praying for just a sign, and still i sit here this very day and cry wishing i had a family to live with. I dont know what i did to these poeple, I just wana end this shit so i can show my father life is more precious then what he thinks life is... I WANT HIM TO READ IN THE PAPER, MIKE R FROM NESHAMINY IN DIED AT 19 YEARS old i want the autopsy report to say died of hunger. I seriously thinking about going back to my house and shower in gasoline, and light up a last smoke and sit there infront of the door, but doesnt that sound childsh? Death for me is near, i can see the signs all around me. I always thought suicide was for the WEAK, not now that i been through all this shit. I think suicide is an option but ur verly last option. And i think i have rached it.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 14, 2007
  2. reborn1961

    reborn1961 Guest

    Mike, I certainly understand the thoughts of suicide. I wanted to tell you to find the closest Salvation Army. No this is not religion talk, they provide free food, housing etc. They don't care what religion you are or even if you are none. It might help a little and they may be able to find housing for you. I can't make your pain go away but I hope you will check it out, at least for the food. (and they don't care if you are living in a motel, they help everyone.......I know, I volunteered for them for 6 months and was amazed.) Good luck
     
  3. Robin

    Robin Guest

    Hi Mike, I don't really have anything to add to what reborn said, words fail me but I wanted you to know that for as long as you can you are welcome to post here about how you feel and what's going on in your life, I really hope there is a Salvation Army near you, maybe you could use the internet to find out?
     
  4. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry to hear about the troubles you are having. Since you say you read the Bible (that alone is a great sign of your own pre-destination) then read this...it really helped me out in a time during which I thought I was lost forever.

    Luke 12: 22-34

    I hope this gives you comfort. By the way...if you are in Chicago, try www.convergys.com . This is a company which will hire "newbies" to do computer tech support. My husband (no degree, nobody would hire him) started working there 7 years ago, and it's a wonderful company...he started out making 9 dollars an hour and now is making over 65k per year. They promote from within and offer totally free training for the people they hire. Plus, they will pay for you to get your college degree or any other certifications you want.
     
  5. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    They also have an office in Philly if that's where you are now. Good luck, and PM me for more info.
     
  6. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    miker,
    I send you hugs. :hug: I got tears in my eyes. Here I sit crying everyday about my issues and tons of people got it worse. You are very courageous, don't let anyone tell you differently.
    I live on disability and food stamps. If not, I would be on the streets.

    I met a guy online that has contacts of good resources. I will look it up or ask him again. I will send it ASAP. Hang tough!! You do not want to let that bitch have the last word. That behavior is despicable for a step-mom. I can imagine the anger you have. I had a terrible, sick step-dad. Reminds me of Cinderella.

    I lived in one city, after I was last hospitalized I started over in a new city 400 miles away. I have not started really started, but I moved. I am not certain that is an option for you.

    I'll be praying for you!! :angel:
     
  7. Viper

    Viper Well-Known Member

    Hey man,

    Sorry your going through all this. I'm not sure how the salvation army operates, but you should pursue your dream. Become a network administrator or whatever else you want. Go to school. Get a part time job. Things will catch up. People are just mean. I'm sure this is something you've already figured out by now. It's something everybody has to deal with. Just live your life being as good of a person as you can and just know that your life will be more fulfilling than your stepmom can even know. PM me or IM me at 'rysternov' if you wana chat. Peace.


    -Ryan
     
  8. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    Mike,
    I wanted to look and try to find you some resources. What I also got was encouragement. Hope this helps a wee bit.
    TLA


    Tell Mike that since he is going on assistance, and since he has
    lived on his own, and apparently is low income, he CAN still go to
    school, without his parent's help or intervention....FEDERAL PELL
    grants are INTENDED for low income and poverty stricken individuals,
    below 200%-300% of the federal poverty guidelines, all he has to do
    is apply at the school he intended on going to anyway, they will
    walk him through the rest.

    Tell him not to give up, the greatest thing he can do right now is
    prove everyone wrong, show them what he can do, and go for the GOLD,
    his whole life is ahead of him at this point.

    Most of the time, you and I cannot search, and find out where a
    person is, etc...but the authorities can...IF YOU HAVE A SUICIDAL
    INDIVIDUAL THAT NEEDS HELP NOW...please call the authorities in that
    area...MOST have email, and almost all have FAX service, fax them
    the email, or written statement, or email it, making sure to include
    his screen name so that they can intervene in the situation...

    Phili police department is here
    http://www.ppdonline.org/hq_contact.php


    God bless always
    Tami

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    HI I HOPE MIKE CAN GET THIS:

    I WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED BY MY MOTHER TO THE POINT I HAD TO PUT LOCKS ON MY DOOR AS A 19 YR OLD YOUNG WOMAN! MY MOTHER TOOK THEM OFF AND I PUT THEM BACK ON, SHE TOOK THEM OFF AND I PUT THEM BACK ON AGAIN. FINALLY I HAD TO MOVE OUT WHILE BOTH PARENTS WERE AT WORK. MY DAD WAS VERBALLY AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE AS WELL.

    I MOVED INTO A VERY VERY TINY EFFICENCY APT. I WORKED 2 JOBS AND I GOT GRANTS AND WORK STUDY TO WORK MY WAY THRU SCHOOL. PLEASE, DONT GIVE UP, YOU CAN GET THRU SCHOOL TOO. PLEASE, DONT KILL YOURSELF. I HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE AND WHAT KEPT ME FROM DOING IT, WAS I WAS NOT GONNA LET MY MOTHER OR DAD WIN BY NOT SURVIVING!! MY DAD TOLD ME I'D NEVER GRADUATE COLLEGE. MY RESPONSE WAS " WATCH ME"! HE SAID MY MARRIAGE WOULD NOT WORK(LIKE HIS HAS) AND WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED ALMOST 26 YRS NOW, HAPPILY I MIGHT ADD!

    DONT LET YOUR PARENTS DEFINE YOUR LIFE , YOUR FUTURE! GOD GAVE LIFE TO YOU, PLEASE DON'T TAKE IT AWAY! YOUR PARENTS MAY NEVER CHANGE, MINE NEVER HAVE, YET AFTER 44 SURGERIES(DUE TO THEIR MEDICAL NEGLECT......LACK OF PROPER MEDICAL CARE WHEN I WAS A CHILD WITH ARTHRITIS) I AM STILL ALIVE AND IM HERE TO SAY, YOU DESERVE LIFE, YOU DESERVED MORE, BUT YOU DONT NEED TO LEAVE THIS WORLD AND LET THEM WIN!!

    HUGS, NANCY Nancy Little <x5catlvr@yahoo.com>
     
  9. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I agree. Words fail me, too. Listen to reborn. :hug: I'm here if you want to talk though.


    xx
     
  10. jr1

    jr1 Member

    Mike,
    Listen to me, I was in a very similar situation to yours when I was 19. It's almost scary. I had a girlfriend, the best of friends but a dysfunctional family that left me all alone, in the streets hungry, overnight. I had had a private school education and was loaded with dreams. When the bad events that took me down into depression and hunger started, I often thought of suicide.

    I decided that I needed to get out of my environment and join the military. Really, my plan was to get three square meals a day, go to college, learn some discipline, and have room and board. Nineteen years later, I have a loving wife, 2 sweet kids and another on the way, a wonderful home, and a successful career. All of which I wouldn't have seen if I would've hurt myself. When you make a plan to succeed, life changes immediately. Take baby steps, get out of that hotel, start marching towards a dream. In days you won't believe how much better you will feel.

    Good luck.
     
  11. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Wow, that does suck I am sorry to say. But one thing I have learned is that you can only do so much sitting around. I have taken Network Administration courses. They are pretty difficult but there are books out there that teach you everything. Then just find a place to go take the CCNA.

    It sucks that your father is blinded by your step-mom. But let me tell you starvation will take weeks in even the skinniest of people. So you should just take a few steps. Not all of us are lucky to have everything handed too us.

    I hope this helped a little.
     
  12. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    Mike,
    As promised here is a contact. I really hope you receive this. You only made one post. All is not lost!!
    TLA


    Here is a contact in Mike's area that wants to help him. Please send this to him immediately. I tried to find him on SF but failed to find his name.


    ----- Original Message -----
    From: Brad Zinn
    To: 'Jonathan Ante'
    Sent: Tuesday, March 20, 2007 2:10 PM
    Subject: RE: Please READ! Urgent!!!


    Dear Jonathan,



    It sounds like Mike is really having a hard time. Please feel free to pass our contact information on to your friend We'd be happy to meet up with him and help him any way that we can.


    Blessings,



    Brad




    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    From: Jonathan Ante [mailto:eek:nefinefeller@msn.com]
    Sent: Sunday, March 18, 2007 4:57 PM
    Subject: Please READ! Urgent!!!



    I go to the vineyard in Columbus OH . I just got this email from a friend concerning someone 19 years old about to kill himself in your city and thought you might be able to assist him. I will paste the message sent me below and I would appreciate it if you can tell me if you can get him some assistance?
     
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