I have been thinking lately about things, and nothing seems to make sense at all... I am so confused and nerve racked that I have trouble functioning, even answering a question, when someone says something or asks something I immediately start interpreting what they say, mean, how to reply and etc. and I panic... I am having trouble surviving, I am not even sure I want to anymore. I am scared, nervous, terrified...... nothing seems to matter and nothing is good anymore...I look around and all the meaning and desire is gone and everything thing scares me. I don't understand why how people can totally run on animal instinct. Or what the point of anything is... from what's the point of any job or any anything. It doesn't make sense why people work, act on disgusting sexual urges, people live to control and cause trouble, and so careless, how you can go around and hurt so many people ands not even give a fuck, 
Why do I try?? for what... it takes every bit of my energy to just do what I am now, people ask do you work then why not, then when you said because you are mentally ill and can not work. Or somerone asks what you have been upto and you think to yourself oh, well I haven't left my apt, no one cares and I have been having traumatic flashbacks... yeah, always easy to tell people..How nothing is really interesting or funny anymore... I feel too tired to talk, when someone tells a joke and I tell something or a story, I start and then tell part of a stupid story and it ended up that nothing matter. nothing. What do I have???? tell me.. OK.. hmm... I am fat, disgusting, ugly, stupid, not funny, not good at anything, and I never matter... ever... maybe a temporary friend or whatever, I am just not even a human being I am just not good enough for anything or at anything. I try and try and try... it's pathetic, I am scared to leave my apt, and I wake up and think about how I need to go and then get upset because I can't do it. I can't work now, I can barely do anything, my friend is mad at me because I don't go out with her much anymore, but I can't go out all the time, I can barely make my appts, when I do fucking rediculous... scared to live, can't think half the time because my fucking brain is traumatized, can't keep up with friends and only do what I have to, I really don't have a car, a job, friends, I never graduate high school, I am getting divorced I am nauseated when I see myself and no matter what trying my hardest isn't even good enough anymore.
And I end up going to my apt and I am so disassociated and can't stay in the conversation or be able to use my fucking brain, panic and it breaks down and is it really happening? at that time I don't know and when I get home I am so exhausted, I hurt physically, mentally, I can't cope, I am going through so much pain and it's not ending a meltdown that just continues, sometimes not quite as bad as others but it's all the time and I am a blathering idiot for even saying all this but this is a bit of what's going on... :cry:
Why do I try?? for what... it takes every bit of my energy to just do what I am now, people ask do you work then why not, then when you said because you are mentally ill and can not work. Or somerone asks what you have been upto and you think to yourself oh, well I haven't left my apt, no one cares and I have been having traumatic flashbacks... yeah, always easy to tell people..How nothing is really interesting or funny anymore... I feel too tired to talk, when someone tells a joke and I tell something or a story, I start and then tell part of a stupid story and it ended up that nothing matter. nothing. What do I have???? tell me.. OK.. hmm... I am fat, disgusting, ugly, stupid, not funny, not good at anything, and I never matter... ever... maybe a temporary friend or whatever, I am just not even a human being I am just not good enough for anything or at anything. I try and try and try... it's pathetic, I am scared to leave my apt, and I wake up and think about how I need to go and then get upset because I can't do it. I can't work now, I can barely do anything, my friend is mad at me because I don't go out with her much anymore, but I can't go out all the time, I can barely make my appts, when I do fucking rediculous... scared to live, can't think half the time because my fucking brain is traumatized, can't keep up with friends and only do what I have to, I really don't have a car, a job, friends, I never graduate high school, I am getting divorced I am nauseated when I see myself and no matter what trying my hardest isn't even good enough anymore.
And I end up going to my apt and I am so disassociated and can't stay in the conversation or be able to use my fucking brain, panic and it breaks down and is it really happening? at that time I don't know and when I get home I am so exhausted, I hurt physically, mentally, I can't cope, I am going through so much pain and it's not ending a meltdown that just continues, sometimes not quite as bad as others but it's all the time and I am a blathering idiot for even saying all this but this is a bit of what's going on... :cry:
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