I have realized...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AnomymousX, Mar 28, 2008.

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  1. AnomymousX

    AnomymousX Well-Known Member

    You may remember me as the guy who took over XXXX and was caught, then was sent to a psychiatric hospital for a week. After the first attempt, when I was getting my stomach pumped, I was thinking, "Oh boy, I'm never doing this again!" That was very temporary. For those of you who don't know my story, I grew up always ignored, always being covered up by some sort of stereotype. Yes, I know every stereotype in the book.

    Now, I think I have realized my problem, I think my problem was that I was always too smart. I always grew up around adults, I always knew how to talk to adults since I was 5, but when it came to kids my age, it was so awkward and nothing ever made sense. I was a baby genius, I spelled the word "commercial" when I was like 1 or 2. In kindergarten, I was forced(?) to read to the class because I was the only one who could read. Even though I was very smart, I was very loud, chubby, and obnoxious. I couldn't make friends, I was just so socially stupid. I used to believe in miracles, until I realized that life is just randomness and luck. I grew up, I'm 18 now, I moved to a different city, and I became a huge nerd, but I'm still socially stupid.

    It was just last night that I went from an Agnostic to a full blown Atheist. No God would make a shitty world like this. I don't believe the whole, "Everyone is here for a reason" bullshit, everything runs off pure dumb luck. My first suicide attempt was the dumbest thing I've ever done. Not because I was trying to end my useless life, but because I tried to do it while a parent was home, being my mom, who caught me. My parents were the reasons I went to the hospital without resisting, I couldn't of asked for better parents, but this time, as much as I love them, have to leave this shitty planet.

    Then there was girls, I was always horrible with women, always. I am very embarrassed to even bring this up, I don't know of any other male who's been worse than women than myself. Every time I look at a pretty girl, all of a sudden my self-esteem just plummets to rock bottom. Yes, yes I know... "You can't love someone else unless you love someone else". I've heard this bullshit over and over again. The thing is, I will never learn to love myself, I am on anti-depressants, but they don't help one bit. I don't think I'm all that ugly, it's just that... I'm just not a special something that a girl would want. If you recall my older posts, I stated that a girl I liked for a very long time, just all of a sudden in love with my best friend, I am still messed up by this!

    Another thing, I can't stand this fucking city I live in! It's the most stereotype'd fucking place on the planet! WHY! Why are you girls so obsessed with druggies? Why are you so obsessed with fags with long ass hair but are dumb as shit?! Maybe it's me... Maybe it's my fault for not being "Mr. Cool"... For my 18 years of being alive, everything has been backwards and illogical. That won't matter though, because I won't be here to witness that bullshit anymore. I wasn't gonna get anything out of this world anyway, so, I'm leaving it. This time, I'll commit suicide the RIGHT way, and do it when no one is around to stop me, and I won't use pills, I'll lop off my right foot. Oh yes, I will end in bloodshed. I don't know when I'm gonna do this, but I will eventually, and it will be very biblical. It will probably be the most attention I will have gotten?

    Enjoy your backwards world,
    with your backwards ways,
    everyone's a popular type,
    with your sexy bodies, and your false hype.

    I'll be spending my days in infinite darkness, because heaven? That's just a dream... I'll always be invisible, even when I'm dead.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 31, 2008
  2. anoniboy1

    anoniboy1 Member

    Do you think it's the only way?

    Yeah, I don't know how difficult is to be in a psychiatric hospital. I didn't tell anybody about my suicide idea yet because it.

    But you could change your life doing something :)

    I don't know what, but I'm trying to know what too. We're in the same boat.

    But I'm trying to know what is that. I didn't make my decision yet. Do you?
     
  3. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Wow! What an epistle!

    Many of your experiences allign themselves with mine, except that I've lived with those problems and feelings for 57 years. Now I'm on disability because of depression and suicidal ideation. Attempts, denial, bottomless pit of depression, hopelessness, totally inept with girls at your age (it took a lot of courage for me to propose to my wife, for fear of abandonment). A psychotherapist hears about it all every week. I just signed a card for AARP, and paid for 3 years. I don't even know if I'll make it to 3 weeks.

    Not all girls are attracted to druggies. One of them sexually assaulted and raped my 20 year old daughter three weeks ago. She wasn't looking for someone who would do that kind of abuse. She's looking for a man who would be compatible with her high level of intelligence and multiple talents, shy or inept as the man might be. Shyness and "Mr. Nice" is much more attractive to lots of women than "Mr. Cool" or Mr. Buff.

    It's quite possible to live a life without relationships with women. It isn't a requirement for living on this planet, in cities stereotypical or not.

    You're brilliant, you respect your mother, you have self-loathing, you think you have to die to escape. You're not the only one by any stretch. If you commit suicide, you commit suicide. There is no ban on miracles. Just don't expect one to save you from yourself. Life is way more hard work a minute at a time than it is simple and peaceful with supernatural help. I'll be interested in what else you have to say. It's refreshing to read intelligent writing. Not so refreshing to hear your anger at God and the residents of this world. Not so refreshing, but probably honest words. Tell us more.

    Jim
     
  4. EllieThade

    EllieThade Antiquities Friend

    Am I the only one who "accepts" hospitalization as an alternative to killing myself? I've been hospitalized well over 30 times during my depression. I tell my therapist and psychiatrist the truth and when they think I'm in trouble of hurting myself or attempting suicide, they tell me I have to go in. I go in. I don't LIKE hospitals. They don't do much good except keep you safe, but I have found friends there and real people who feel the same way I do. And there has been the occasion where I had no choice in the matter like after an O.D. and I end up on at least a 3-day hold. I don't fight that either. I know it's for my own good, my own safety. The life that many people in my world want me to live, no matter how much I don't want to. Ya, if I get desperate enough I have a plan to be able to do it where I won't get caught and might actually succeed, and I think of that a lot.

    If you get close, then the hospital is where you need to be. Do you have a therapist? Be honest with him/her. I am probably no where near your intelligence level, but I am intelligent and I manage to function at home and take care of the administrative stuff of the house and my daughter. I'm smart enough to know I need help and I accept that help, be it taking worthless antidepressants, going to therapy once or twice a week and regularly seeing my psychiatrist. And heeding their advice when I get into "trouble."

    I know a lot of people hate hospitals. They're no fun. They're restricting. It is embarrassing to be in one. But the patients and the staff don't make you feel embarrassed. It's just me inside that does that.

    Sorry. I'm not being much help. Please talk more about what you're going though so you can get your suicide plan out of your head. You'll never be able to manage it anyway. It'll hurt too badly. You won't be able to finish. Be a little realistic with all your intelligence.

    Ellie
     
  5. AnomymousX

    AnomymousX Well-Known Member

    Well...

    1.) I do see hospitals as a alternative to suicide... For a little while...
    2.) To be quite frank, I have two therapists.
    3.) I met a lot of people in the psych hospital, I became with a lot of them, but when everyone was hitting on each other, UH OH! Guess who was left out of the triangle!
    4.) Of course I still respect my mother, just because I want to end my life, doesn't mean I'm hatin' on everyone in the world.
    5.) I tell my psychiatrists everything, no reason to lie.

    Hey "middleofnowhere", it's quite ironic that you have that name, because that's the name of one of my internet shows, and I'm glad you like my writing, I am, in fact, a writer. You may be saying to yourself, "This guy has so many talents, why does he want to die?!" Apparently, it's not enough to keep me going. This is where it gets good, remember when I said how a girl I liked fell for my best friend? Well, I thought that a good solution to get over this would be to ignore both my friend and the girl right? You know, push them out of my lives? Guess what... I can't! Yeah, me and my best friends are like business partners, if either one leaves we're both fucked... Well, looks like I'm gonna suffer a bit longer.

    Now... The whole "atheism" thing I'm going through, it does not feel good, but it feels more truthful. There's still a small piece of me that still wants to believe in a God, I mean, heaven would be a nice treat to make up for this shitty life right? Give me full proof that God exists, and I will never atheist ever again.

    I truly don't want to kill myself, seriously, but... What's better, living my dumb life being mocked ALL the damn time? Or just.. Dying? Maybe some of you believe in hell, I don't, we're all living in it. I mean come on... We get to live a life of pain AND burn for all eternity? What the fuck man?! There are some days where I can get by, and other days I want to take the nearest sharp object and stick right through my head without a damn about who's watching.

    Augh... Here we go... My biggest weakness, females. Sometimes I wish I was born gay (or not at all), no joke. If you seen the way I tried to get a girlfriend, even the most sympathetic man would say, "Wow, what a failure." Jeez man, I may as well cut off my penis and call it a life. If I was born somebody else, I think my life would be more... Livable... If I'm dead, maybe I won't be such a clog people always think I am?

    On whatever day this is, before I cut off my foot, I will recite these words:
    Today I'll make a change,
    I'll suffer for all my sins and lyin',
    'Cause I'll be sent off,
    to do some dyin'...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 29, 2008
  6. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    AX

    Middleofnowhere is where I used to live until a year ago. A town of 247, 130 miles from McDonalds, doctors, stores...Emotionally, I was in the middle of nowhere, as well.

    Faith is a hard thing to define - it is, at least, for me. We put our faith in many things, from light switches to chairs that won't break when we sit down to water faucets. We have faith that when we use them, we can depend on them to perform their function.

    It takes a great deal of faith to believe in someone you can't see. At a much lower level, I have faith that you are honest and that you are who you say you are, though I have never seen you. I feel somewhat the same about God. I have faith that He exists for a number of reasons: the Bible (which is being found to be a reliable document scientifically, morally, etc); the universe-our planetary system-our earth-you, me, and everyone else show convincing evidence of an intelligent force able to create all this, some of which we've done a pretty fair job of screwing up; an awareness that there is an intelligent force/being/God loving us enough to sustain us and give us so much beauty to enjoy. I can't go into full detail about all the aspects of faith in this forum. Everyone would get pretty tired of me going on and on. I recommend reading a book called "The Message". It's a loose paraphrase in very current language of what the Bible says about God, our earth's history, his love for us, how we can live so we feel fulfilled and at peace with him and other humans (including your business partner!) and our environment.

    On being gay. I've been married to my wife for 35 years. Beginning in my early teens, I had real confusion as to my orientation. I was attracted to other guys, but nobody talked about that back in the 50's and 60's, except to knee jerk condemnation to Hell. Because of those inner conflicts, I had a hard time with girls. It was fortunate that I had three sisters, so I at least knew how to relate. I could talk to them, but I couldn't develop a romantic relationship with them - they were all like sisters. I had girlfriends through High School and college (my double degree is music & Bible), met my future wife in my senior year, when she was a senior at CAL Berkley, and got married. I had never acted out (had gay sex) until after I was married, and then for only a few years. It's been 30+ years that I've stuffed it. When I was in a mental health home, I realized I couldn't keep it to myself any longer, and told my wife and a few select friends. I'm learning to accept the fact that I have SSA (same sex attraction), and it won't send me to Hell, but I know that it would be no different from having an affair with a woman as it relates to infidelity than if I had an affair with a man. There's another argument for having faith - that I won't end up in Hell (which I do believe in, though probably not the literal fire) because I have faith that I can find forgiveness for those early indiscretions (a nice word for sins) from myself, from my wife, my family, God. So, yeah, life takes a lot of faith. And I haven't found it any harder to have faith in God than having faith in many other things/persons.

    So, you can understand why I felt, as you, I was such a clod with girls. And that life is liveable even when there's no way in hell we can see how or why.

    I'm glad to hear that you aren't seriously thinking of suicide. That would be another huge rock in the backpack of baggage you carry already.

    I'm not one to be taken up with society's fascination with thinness, but then, I was mocked when I was young because I was so skinny. I know that I need to exercise, but I can't afford a gym membership on my meagre disability check, and I'm so not motivated to go outside, especially when it's 20" out, and walk or run. I believe that exercise by jogging or by joining a gym could have a definite positive affect on how we view ourselves. I'm still tall and slim, and people don't understand why I say I want to lose 15-20 pounds of waistline. Thin or thick, most of us wish we were better than we are.

    Talents - I'm multi-talented, musically,artistically, in writing, in helping older people by listening and being interested in them. Do those talents mean anything to me when I hate myself enough to want to commit suicide? Not a bit. Irrationally, those talents cease to exist, or at least lose their significance during suicidal episodes. I learned from the staff in the hospital that caring and creative people are the ones likely to find themselves in my position.

    Ah, well. Enough for one session. I have three bills to get posted in our mailbox before the mail carrier comes (we live in the country on ten acres, and our driveway is 1/4 mile and the gravel road to the mailboxes another 1/3 mile). I really should walk it. We shall see.

    Enjoy at least this one day, AX. I will try to do the same.

    Jim
     
  7. AnomymousX

    AnomymousX Well-Known Member

    I'm gonna make this easy, tonight I will pray, I will pray like I've never prayed before. If any higher being can come to me and convince me that "life" is worth anything, I'll rethink these suicide plans. If not, I'll end in bloodshed.

    Everything I do is wrong, if another guy asks a girl out, it's cute. When I do it, it's weird? When I was at that psychiatric hospital, I did something I could never do before, I asked a girl out (sort of). My exact words were, "When we both get out, you wanna go do something?" The girl's exact words were, "Yeah!" I couldn't believe it! My first time asking a girl out I got a yes? Unfortunately, I never heard from her again. During the entire time at that hospital, there was a boy and a girl that were hitting on each other, the girl was your average depressed girl, but the boy was 15 and he was the most drug-addicted drug-addict I have ever met, he's done every drug under the rainbow, he's done so much his speech was permanently slurred. Him and the girl kissed when no one was looking and everyone knew it, I was so jealous.

    Later, I gently kissed a girl's hand, and I was called a weirdo by almost every fucking kid there, it was horrible. Just the fact that I'm typing this makes me want to ram forks in my eyes. The ratio of me wanting to kill myself is much higher than me want to live, I'd say the ratio is 80:20. Yes, I think the only way to make peace with myself and the Earth is to end myself, I see no other way.

    Middleofnowhere, you had the luxury of three sisters... You know what I had? Jack. Shit. I was the loneliest only child I've ever known of, and I'm still an only child. I spent my childhood alone in my room just playing on my Sega Genesis. If I died today, there would be an announcement at my school, and 95% of the jackasses at that school would simply say, "Who's Nick?" I didn't choose life, I was just pulled into it, and now, I want out.
     
  8. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    Hey Anonymous X.

    I know this sounds cheesey but do any of these things sound like you?

    "You love to help others. You seek opportunities to serve others, despite personal sacrifice. You're unformfortable doing things soley for yourself. You thrive on social graces and having manners like holding doors open for people, standing up when greeting visitors, and acting appropriately in public places.

    more than anything else, you want to be loved. You'll sacrifice a successful career in order to improve an important relationship. You're gratified when you're listened to, when you feel understood and appreciated...."

    This is from a personality color book I have. They label personality by colors, this one I just listed a portion of being blue. I'm sure you're very smart, but more importantly, I think you're also very analytical. People who analyze life a lot and think deep thoughts are often unhappy because the world is a shitty place in general. There are disgusting dissapointments to be found around every corner.

    I myself used to doubt God. Then I realized there's no point to it. Doubting God's existence. But one thing is for certain. If you feel bad, you feel bad. There are all kinds of cliches and sayings, but in the end, you have to look out for yourself. I believe God is there, but he wouldn't make other human-beings if you were meant to just be with him by yourself and talk to him without him talking back. Everyone needs someone to talk back to at some point.

    I know the weakness for women part too. All too well. My wife of 7 years was just, 6 days ago, eating breakfast with me and my daughter at our house. now we're legally seperated, I'm in my parent's basement alone missing most of my possessions just to name a few things.

    There are so so many things that can pass through the mind of someone who's so analytical I can't share it all in one post. Just know I understand. And if you ever need to talk more about these things, you couldn't reach a more open and unbiased mind. I have no anxst against those who don't believe in God. I just personally do. But anyone who even trashes God and feels they're alone, I listen I don't try to convert or any shit like that.

    But I do pray you feel better. All of us are, in our own way, struggling to just find purpose here. I hope you find something to latch on to. I'm still struggling :(

    Good luck, man and PM me or talk to me in messenger if you want to.
     
  9. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    I'll pray for you tonight, AX, that you will find peace in your praying and meditating. It may or may not be a bolt of lightning, zap, you have peace. Learning peace takes time and a lot of work.

    Sorry for bringing up my sisters. I also have two brothers, so we were a society unto ourselves. The trouble is, that kept me from learning how to be with people outside my private family society. Still true.

    Mocked for kissing a girls hand? Where is that from? They're clueless about how cool you were, how polite and considerate toward her. I would venture to say that she liked it better than "getting hit on by the guys".

    For one day, make an effort - just for yourself - to find around you love, joy, peace, beauty. They're there for your pleasure. Love yourself by smelling some roses for a day.

    Jim
     
  10. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    AnonomousX, you come across as very intelligent. You do not look at the world through rose tinted glasses, and do not appear to follow the crowd. I think there should be more honesty in the world like this, have you ever thought of putting your healthy cynicism to good use?

    Honestly...you sound like a character, and I really hope you don't go through with it because humanity fucking needs all the genuine people it can get!

    Please PM me if you are feeling bad...I'm here for you anytime you wish to talk...

    Lou xxx
     
  11. AnomymousX

    AnomymousX Well-Known Member

    Sorry SadDude, but none of those sound like me, well, not anymore at least. I sort of lost my want to "greet" people since no one listens anymore... So, people can greet themselves.
    I hope that's true, because all this girl did was bombard me with "I don't like you like that" and "Don't ever do that again!" comments. This was the type of girl that was kind of a scenester and "hung out with 20 year old guys"... Yeah, yeah, yeah... I've heard that too many times... Although it doesn't matter what I do, hell, I'm probably being mocked for just being alive right now.
    I'll only pray to see if any higher being exists, if so, than maybe I will think a bit differently about life.

    I gotta be honest, this girl falling in love with my best friend was the biggest piece of fuel for my first suicide attempt. I had to miss a week of school being in that psychiatric place, then once I returned, no one could tell the difference whether I was there or not. I'm sorry world, I'm sorry that I couldn't be born Zac Efron just to have a female being come near me, I'm sorry that I don't have a pimped out car to drive girls to every fucking place, I'm sorry that I have to move away from beautiful people just so no one makes a comparison to see me as an uglier person, sorry world, that I couldn't live up to your random popularity expectations, I guess it's my fault for being born that way with no choice?
    I thought the same, but if no one listens, what's the point? It's like finding the cure for cancer and AIDS, but no one listens because you're not cool enough... In my opinion, I think I was born into a bad time period, because the only thing this world runs on, is teenage drama, good looks, and little white girls that get famous because they have semi-singing talent, or happen to be related to a famous person. Oh well... Once again, I wasn't born like that... My fault, right?

    I was the always the guy to root for the person with no leeway. When I watch "Kenny vs. Spenny", I root for Spenny. If I'm watching "Tom and Jerry", I root for Tom. Maybe I get to leave this queer world early, I have a high death expectancy, my mom's side has a generation of diabetes, my dad's side has a generation of high blood pressure, high cholesterol, all that stuff... To top it all off, being the nerd I am, I have no physical strength, so my heart probably won't last too long.

    I grew up very sheltered, my parents would not let me do anything without them being there. For fucks sake, I was forced to sit in the back of the car until was THIRTEEN! My parents would randomly walk to school with me and embarrass the shit out of me since no other kid had that. My body was yearning to be an independent person, so I slowly taught myself to live alone and not need anyone else, when you're an only child, this is a bit easier to do.
     
  12. Placebo

    Placebo Well-Known Member

    Since one of your main problems seems to be a lack of female companionship, have you considered approaching a woman that is more like you? I'm sure there are plenty of geek girls out there who would be delighted to spend time with you.
     
  13. AnomymousX

    AnomymousX Well-Known Member

    I am turned down by any girl Placebo... Popular ones, geeky ones, nerdy ones, you name 'em. I am a ladder-bottom.
     
  14. Placebo

    Placebo Well-Known Member

    I doubt you are any worse than a certain guy I know who is really short, chubby, has a few zits, wears glasses.... and I would consider doing him during a dry spell. (pssst... that dry spell is NOW :laugh: )
     
  15. AnomymousX

    AnomymousX Well-Known Member

    I just don't have the confidence and pizazz anymore... Even if I do have a girlfriend, I probably still won't be at piece with myself.

    Edit: Forget it, I can't handle anything anymore. It's time to go.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 31, 2008
  16. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    I just want to tell you that were probably in the same boat. I have came to that conclusion after I read your posts.
     
  17. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    Judging from your personality I'm having a "where have you been all my life" moment! It's refreshing to see such honesty and someone who isn't fooled by what the rest of the world deem as worthy. You call yourself sheltered but you can see how messed up things are very clearly in my opinion. Don't take out the world's many faults on yourself, you're better than that.

    Please don't do it...

    I'm here for you.
     
  18. Placebo

    Placebo Well-Known Member

    You know what? Think about it this way...

    You got food?

    You got a roof over your head?

    Got a job?

    Are you one of those poor, sick, starving children in Africa?

    If you answered yes to the first three questions and no to the last... you're doing better than many people in this world. Appreciate what you DO have. Stop taking your life for granted... it could be so much worse.
     
  19. AnomymousX

    AnomymousX Well-Known Member

    I know I have it better than most people, and I am grateful, but to be honest, that really isn't an excuse to not be suicidal. It isn't just the fact that I live in a stupid segregated world, it's also that I can't accept myself as a person. There are millionaires out there who dream of hanging themselves, and no amount of money can get rid of that.
     
  20. The Jester Race

    The Jester Race Active Member

    But who really gives a fuck about that? Sometimes we can't see that so it doesn't matter. We all just want to escape the pain. People can only hang on so long. I hope you find peace. :hug:
     
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