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I have really messed my life up, beyond repair!!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Cattle_d, Apr 11, 2009.

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  1. Cattle_d

    Cattle_d Active Member

    I have been working as an RN now for 3 years and I started using drugs that I obtained from work for about a year before I decided that I had gone way too far and I decided to take an extended holiday to sort out my life.
    3 months later I tried to come back to work and my boss told me she wanted to meet with me and that I needed union representation.
    I was basically busted. I denied it and they said that they needed to investigate further to see if the trend they found was an isolated incident. I denied that I used drugs and handled myself rather well.
    I went home to my boyfriend whom knows my whole story (btw, I told him about my drug use 3 months ago) and told him what had transpired.
    There is a huge chance that I could lose my nursing liscense. I will most likely lose this job or be forced to resign.
    I am SO completely upset with myself and my behavior. Once I lose this job I will not be able to save face!! I feel incredibly alone. I do not want to tell any of my friends what I have done. I told my boyfriend that we should take a break and not live together anymore. I am moving out to a new flat on the 15th and my plan is to just basically drop off the face of the Earth and never talk to any of my friends again. It seems to be the only way I can think of to deal with the overwhelming guilt and shame I feel! I deserve to die!
    I have struggled SO much in the past with depression and suicidal thougths and now it is all coming back. My boyfriend, who is breaking up with me by the way, says that I need to accept GOD in my life, and he thinks that is the only way. This makes me feel even worse.. I don't know what to do.... :sad:
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya, anna,

    That sounds very stressful. Right now you know some of the possible outcomes, but not the actual one. I won't say don't worry, as I'm sure it's understandably uppermost in your mind. I will say, stay positive and strong while you wait this out.

    Lots of unknowns could come into play. Maybe they don't have enough evidence for any of their suspicions. If lose the job, you might still be able to negotiate to keep your license. Maybe they'd offer you some employee assistance counseling for substance abuse and keep you...

    As you wait for a final decision, stay safe and think positive.

  3. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    there is no god, fess up to what you did maybe if you are honest and sincere they will take you back if you apologize and wont lose your license, I have no sympathy for liars and criminals especially those who work in the medical community( I have personal reasons for this, the reason why I am on this board)

    again maybe if you really want to change your life and get off the drugs and keep your nursing license be sincere about it , or maybe not, it is up to you
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Ok, when I was nursing the girl in the next room (in the nursing quarters) got raided.
    she had been stealing class A drugs to feed a habit.
    she went into rehab, grovelled, was suspended for months, but after getting clean and having counselling they did let her back.
    Like you, she told me she felt like running as she was so ashamed of what she'd done and didnt want to face any of us ever again.
    She went on to prove to everyone that their trust was well placed, she stayed clean and was a bloody good nurse. :smile:
    If you have managed to get away with it take this as big slap in the face and stay clean.
    If not own up, they will think the better of you for it.
    As to friends, if they can't take the rough with the smooth then they aint really friends.
    Good luck.
  5. soapymongoose

    soapymongoose Well-Known Member

    You're gonna have to bite the bullet and own up, like a couple of people have already said. The truth is a hard thing to face, but don't be fooled by the short term fixes lies can bring. You can use the situation to work to your advantage, give yourself a proper reason to clean up :)

    Anyone who puts their faith in god has none in themselves. It's a cop out. IF he existed, he'd be a dick.
  6. Cattle_d

    Cattle_d Active Member

    I agree about God, I think that it won't help me.. that is another reason that my boyfriend and I won't work together.
    As far as the drugs go, the whole situation is MUCH more complex than it seems. I thank those in in advance for reading this.. I am a child of a borderline mother. Also, my boyfriend is a chronic and extreme marijuana abuser. He uses daily 5-6 times (bowls, not hits) and has asthma as a result, went into respiratory failure during hand surgery because of it and he is only 26 years old. All that aside, it may sound crazy (and like I am in denial) but I was not a drug addict. I did drugs at work every once in a while and never took them home. I never had cravings, never withdrawal, not even when I went on leave of abscence for my back pain/depression. I also have a degree in psychology and have worked with addiction on a research study on the genetics of alchoholism, so I am familiar with the symptomology of addiction, both physiological and psychological.
    So, here comes the complicated part. I have been seeing a psychoanalytic therapist for 8 years now. Just recently we have discovered that, among others, I have developed a stealthy defense mechanism of emotionally and situationally mimicking those around me with the hopeful result being that they won't be threatened by my intellegence (IQ > 150) or talent (artistically and such). My therapist and I have an umbrella phrase for my behavior fitting into this niche; we call it "dumbing down". SO, this mimicry of sorts has become apparent recently and I have realized that I have done it and the whole dumbing down thing quite a lot in the majority of the relationships I have had in my life, in order to get by emotionally.
    These self defense mechanisms worked well for me growing up, kept me from killing myself while an adolescent, etc. NOW, they are proving to be hindrances that are extremely difficult to shake.
    So, to tie this all together, I have been working with my therapist and we have come to the conclusion that I have done this drug thing to jeopardize my success as a nurse. I really did not want to be a nurse. While getting my BSN degree, I put myself thru hell, worrying every test day that I was going to fail. I graduated Summa cum Laude.
    Ok....so, I attempted to be a drug addict, and was not very good at it. I am smart, I could have gotten away with it. I did not. It seems to be becoming clear that my subconscious is having its way with me and trying to get me to conform and it is also becoming clear that this is not working for me!!!
    I know that this is long and extremely garrulous.
    What I am trying to say is that its not so simple, I cannot just say "I am a drug addict and need treatment".
    Because of the way my mom has raised me, being borderline and absolutely driving me crazy, I am having a difficult time with life.
    If this makes any sense to anyone, please tell me what you think.
    My final meeting is tomorrow and I plan on resigning in leiu of being terminated so that I can at least get another job while the Board of Nursining investigates me.
    I know that lying is terrible, but it this case, I am making the choice to do so. I feel like a terrible individual. I have a new puppy and a glorious kitty. My love for them both is my only tether to this world. I really want to move to Mexico and paint and draw and play music... but I have tremendous debt.
    I also want to say THANK YOU to all of you who took the time to read this an my previous post. It means a lot that people care.
  7. asri

    asri Well-Known Member

    well hun, all the best then! surely there must b some way u can deal with this issue. it wud b a pity if u were to let urself go. so just chin up and move fwd.

    all the best in whatever u do!
  8. Cattle_d

    Cattle_d Active Member

    I just wanna say thanks for your reply. Um still alive and I guess that's a good thing. It was a long time ago, I still suffer from depression and anxiety but I've managed to stay out of hospotal!
    Thanks again.
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