I have scars

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by gravylynn, Feb 25, 2012.

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  1. gravylynn

    gravylynn Member

    I have suicide scars. I have them on my wrist, and I see them every day. They were put there out of feelings of anger, worthlessness, and a general feeling of 'nobody understands me'. I've had my razor blades taken away from me, except for the one I have kept hidden. I have it for a 'just in case' moment. What if I feel like the crap on the bottom of someone's shoe again? Do I really want to stay around? Why should I bother? I fight this everyday. Two years ago I took every prescription pill and over the counter pill I had in the house. I was forced to the hospital. I hate that I was saved. That resulted in two weeks in the psych section of the hospital. My doctor now gives me only meds that are not possible to OD on. Once again, I have a secret stash of cough medicine, 'just in case'.

    I'm not sure why I feel this strong in favor of my own suicide, but I'm almost fascinated by it. I look up new ideas on how to carry it out every day. I know there are people that love me, but yet I feel as if my life is going no where. I just wish I could sleep forever. These feelings just weigh me down. They are heavy beyond belief. I'm getting a migraine just typing this, having to bring these feelings to the fore front.

    Having these feelings leave scars on my mind. Not the feelings of what I want to do, it's the feelings of why I was a failure many times before.

    Some days I pray for my health to fail, just so I don't have to do it myself. On the outside, I talk a good game. I work with animals, and I just joined a gym. If only those in my circle knew what went on in my head. Maybe they wouldn't be so distant. Oh well.

    Life, may or may not, go on
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Lynn and welcome...is it possible to chose someone in your inner circle and try to tell him/her what is going on for you? I found that once I found one trusted ally, I was able to tell several more...also, this may help feeling better understood...thanks so much for sharing with us, and welcome again
     
  3. Really sorry to hear that. We are here to have even a remote "trusted one". It's good you have some activities. It means you have not totally given up on life, maybe? Hope your thoughts get brighter in the future.
     
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