I have the date, the plan, and the means

Yeah. I have the plan, and I am going to do it on Friday the 13th. How appropriate, I will end this horror of my life on Friday the 13th. It will be the day after I see my therapist so I will see her one last time before I go. I gotta figure out where I can go to do it so that no one finds me in time. I will sleep peacefully forever. I don't know if I should write a letter or not, or what it should say if I do. How do you explain this to people? What could I say to make it alright for them? I know they will miss me, especially my nephews and niece, they're just children. It's just that I feel so horrible and my life will always be this way. It's been like this for 26 years.

No one can help me, and yes I am being selfish. I just don't know if I can continue to live solely for other people anymore. Maybe they won't miss me as much as I thought. Shit, I don't know anything anymore. :i'm sorry: to everyone I have ever known. It truly would have been better had I never been born. :lost:

 

yeh dam depression boy it has really sucked you under your brain in not thinking clearly at all now. Now would be the time to call crisis your therapist and the her the truth. why d o you want to pass the suffering you have on to others why i too want this to end i to have the means even the time but i know in the end i know i will be destroying lives of others i can't do it yet not yet destroying others i don't know if i have that in me You are not a cruel person get help now and get better okay get into hospital if need be don't pass it on okay instead reachout now and find some healing for you

 

A part of me understands what you are saying. but unfortunately the biggest part of me thinks you're wrong. I am afraid to live anymore. Life scares me more than death.

 

Lauru,

Please don't do this. You will be impacting so many people if you do this. It sounds like you have many people that love you. Your niece's and nephews will miss you dearly. Is there no-one in your family to talk to? Please call a crisis centre or talk to a therapist, or go to the hospital. The bipolar disorder can be controlled, it just takes time. Please step back and take the time to take care of yourself. You are worth it. There are a lot of people on the forum as well you can talk to. We are all here for you too.

Take Care,
Dave :hug: :console: :arms:

 

It is not going to be all right for those who are fond of you if you kill yourself and nothing you write can make it better for them. They are going to feel they failed you and wonder what they could have done or said to stop you.
Your therapist is likely to be devastated.
I cannot believe she deserves that.
And I you do not deserve to feel the agony that you are enduring that makes you prefer to kill yourself.
So we have to work out another way.
Please give yourself a reprieve and keep in touch.

 

I've tried for over 20 years to find another way. Nothing has worked, the debilitating depression always comes back. I decided that I cannot handle this type of life anymore. I've been struggling since I was 12 years old, and I am now 37. I'm tired, just too damned tired to do this anymore. I don't have anything left in me to keep going. I know people will be devastated and frankly, that's the only thing that has kept me alive this long. How much longer can I live solely for other people? idk. I'm too tired to think, too tired to breathe, too tired to live.

 

You can't. You've got to live for you.

 

I agree, and I don't want to live anymore.

 

Well I hope you do a bit more than ponder my words after seeing this. People say to think of your loved ones before you act not because you need to live for other people, but because those people are a part of you, a part of your life. To give up now would be the same as saying that they were not good enough, that they didn't mean enough to continue living because you've cut them out of yourself through death. For every good memory you have of them, they have of you. By dying now, you have shut off any chance of giving them more good memories and painted over the ones they have with the melancholy brush of suicide. Understand that with this you're not just killing yourself, you're killing a part of them as well-- the part of them that contains bits of you. People never seem to stick to themselves, they're a lot like caramel-- every encounter you have with another person gets a bit of you onto them. Every idea you place in the world sticks to someone, even if you never knew them. I've got a bit of you inside of my mind, and we've never even met. Don't you realize? Kill yourself now, and you kill the chance of letting your sweet self stick to anyone else, and the chance of them sticking to you. The opportunities are too many to stop now, think of them. Even if they happen on the web, in a cafe. I read somewhere that it wasn't the person that died that we miss, it's all of their yet-to-be-seen memories. All of the future stories never to be heard, adventures never to be done. That's what we'll miss.

By living for yourself, you're continuing to give life to those memories that your nephews and niece have of you. You're continuing to fill them with vibrancy, and the promise of more in the future. Please think of that, and get the help that you need. Go to the hospital, go to a family's house, get help so that you can continue to live.

--ThinkingCap

 

This is what has kept me from committing suicide. I know the damage it would cause, and yet I still feel so hopeless that suicide seems like a reasonable answer. And yet, I am leaving myself an out. I haven't closed off the chance of me NOT committing suicide. There is still a possibility that I will go inpatient. So I guess there is a glimmer of hope that I won't kill myself.

My mom told me last night how I am such a go getter and a fighter, how I have never given up in my fight against mental illness. I know she would be devastated, as others would be. She doesn't know I feel suicidal, no one but my T, group, and pdoc do. So perhaps this is the best I can do. Perhaps I will go inpatient. Perhaps I will live. I honestly just don't know anymore.

At least I am thinking twice about it now. The pdoc did put me on a new medicine and increased another. Who knows, maybe it will work. Or maybe I can push the date back to the 20th. I see my pdoc on the 19th. That would give the medicine a little longer to work.

I'm sorry that I let people down, both in real life and here online. I guess I just piss people off wherever I go. I truly wish I had never been born, that way I wouldn't have to commit suicide and ruin people's lives.

 

You're opening the door now, you're thinking twice! You can get through this, and you're not pissing me off by talking it all out like this, nor would you be pissing off anyone who really cared. You're processing your life, and it's difficult, but you're getting through it. That's the important part. Trust your mother, trust what she has said. You are a fighter, you are a go-getter, and you will survive this. I'm really happy to hear that you're thinking twice about it, looking a bit the other way.

--ThinkingCap

 

Thanks ThinkingCap. I am trying to hold on. I see my T this week, so that is good. I am also holding the door open on the idea of going inpatient. I haven't made up my mind yet.

 

3 more days.

 

Please get help now Lauru. Don't let suicide claim another innocent life. :hug: