I have these feelings every single day. (21 years old... feel like I'm 80)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Leary, May 16, 2010.

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  1. Leary

    Leary Member

    I'm 21 and I haven't had close friends since I was like 14. I was homeschooled and attended an alternative school during my high school years which enabled me to be a social recluse. I never had a girlfriend, went to parties, hung out with friends or anything. When I was like 16-19 I had one friend left over from before high school that I would hang out with once or twice a year at most.

    The closest people to me in my life are a few family members, but that's it. I don't have a job nor have I ever, I don't have a car nor can I drive. I only just received my GED a few months after turning 21 and if I go to college in the fall I'll be a 22 year old Freshman.

    I noticed recently that I'm starting to lose my hair. Natural, right? Quite frankly it wouldn't bother me nearly as much (despite how young I am) if not for the fact that I've yet to even attend college. In a lot of ways I imagined that I would be able to make up my lost teen years once I went off to college. Maybe I would make some friends, go to a party for the first time in my life and perhaps have a girlfriend.

    I've barely left my house since I was like 18. Seriously, I don't go out. I'll go outside and hang around to get some air or go to a relative's house but I very rarely go anywhere. The last time I went out with a friend was around a year ago and all we did was get lunch before coming back to my (mother's) house and watching some videos and messing around online.

    Of course I waited three years before even finishing my GED so now I'm going to be the old guy at school when I actually go. I have to go to community college first and if I transfer I won't be a 20 year old junior, I'll be a 24 year old Junior who is losing his hair. I'll basically be the guy that everyone looks at and goes "oh hey, whose dad is going to school here?".

    Living in a dorm was one of my dreams if I went to college but I'm practically already too old for that. I will never get that "college experience" where I party with friends, live amongst my peers or anything like that. Chances are if I make my "dream" come true and go to a real University in a few years I'll probably continue to live in my shell and not meet anyone or make any friends there either.

    Now after that diatribe I guess I should talk about why I'm here as opposed to just any other "I'm depressed and need support" group. Well, I've been having suicidal thoughts creeping into my mind in the last few months. I'm suicidal because I've convinced myself that it's impossible for me to overcome my problems. Every issue I have is with the past, which I can't fix. I can't go back to high school and live a life similar to how other kids that age live. I can't go back to being 18 and enter college at a reasonable age before I started going bald and aging. I can't fix any of that.

    I'll NEVER be able to have my teen years back. I'll NEVER get my first kiss, girlfriend or anything else at a reasonable age. I'm just running away from adulthood at this point and it's catching up more and more each day.

    I have a <Mod Edit:Irishdoll,Methods> left over from a dental procedure and I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I stare at it nearly every day thinking about how easy it would be to down the whole thing and just go to sleep forever. Will I ever do it? Maybe, I don't know. But I do know that I can use any support I can get right now. I may not be a crisis case but if things don't improve and I can't get over these feelings I may very well become one.

    Sorry for the manifesto, hehe. I just needed to get a lot of this off my chest.
  2. lonercarrot

    lonercarrot Well-Known Member

    Dude I know exactly what you mean :(
  3. chrs75

    chrs75 Well-Known Member


    Me too, i miss the good times and wish I had made the most of it.
  4. Leary

    Leary Member

    At least I have partners in misery, lol.

    I just feel like, how can I ever move on and improve my life if I feel like I've missed out on so many things that the average person my age has gotten out of the way? I'm not even a drinker so I'm not sure if I would have enjoyed partying and all of that stuff, but the fact that I never had to opportunity to experiment really bothers me.

    It's like, I'll never be able to relate to most people in this situation. Most people my age have stories of drinking, debauchery, fun trips and just awesome times hanging out with all of their friends and I have nothing. I've done nothing but spend all my time on the internet for the last six years or so.
  5. Leary

    Leary Member

    Feeling really badly today too. One of my biggest problems is when I learn of people younger than me with such better lives. I have cousins who are around 16 that drive, have tons of friends, a job and girlfriends and I'm five years older, three years too old to be in high school and not even in college yet.

    My life is so much worse than theirs and they are doing things that I would have dreamed of doing back then. I'm hearing now that a few of these family members are coming to visit this summer and I dread it. I was always friendly with them growing up but I can't imagine another family gathering where people ask me what I'm doing and I have to reply "Nothing" like I have for the last three to five years. And then I get to sit there and hear about how well they're doing in school, how many friends they have, how they went to dances and have girls calling them etc.

    Meanwhile it all contributes to my misery and I have to sit there silently and smile and nod like I know what they're talking about.

    I can't even look at people my age that I know or knew in school with facebook pages. It kills me to see all these pictures of them hanging out friends. Even strangers if I stumble on their pics or videos on youtube of them partying or doing fun stuff. When I watch a stupid video on youtube I end up having to go on the person's profile to see how old they are. If they're younger than me I get depressed at the fact that theyre out with friends making funny videos and just having a blast.

    I don't know if I can make it through this summer. So many sunny days and I have no ambition to get outside and do anything because I have nothing. No one to go hang out with, no car to drive around to shop or anything and no money to shop either. It's a miserable existence.
  6. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Hi Leary, yeah I can see how it can be a killer knowing people younger are doing better and you ask the question "why me?" Could you not be doing something proactive about this, I mean coming on here is an excellent start to try and figure things out, and maybe think about what you would like to do with your life to make it better. Then when they do come around in the summer you can tell them maybe more positive plans =)

    I hope so anyway take care of yourself please
  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    First off let me say the average college age is higher than you think. I graduated college when I was 22... I was the youngest guy in my class. People may start out young in college. However, you will find that a lot of them drop out. Some of them return in a year or two to try again. Some of them spend too much time hoping from one school to the other and lose credits. Trust me you will fit in better than you realize. Your experience may differ a little. However, generally if you are in your 20s the experience is not going to be too different. Age is only a number... ESPECIALLY in college.

    I am 24 now, I feel like my life is over. I want to go out and fix my social anxiety and hit the social world, especially the dating side. I feel like if I don't have an idea of what is going on now that it is over. Well I talked to guys on other forums. Found out that most started doing what I wanted to do when they were my age, including one who did not have his first serious girlfriend till he was 24.

    I would say you need to try to adhere to the saying "Better late than never" I am doing my hardest to adhere to it.
  8. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    Damn, I can relate to you so much, almost exactly in some things. My life hasn't been social since I was about 16. I only got my GED last year, I was 21 and started this past fall. I feel angry and bitter about not having a "regular" teenage life, and how even now I can't relate to kids my age, but you have to start somewhere. In college I saw a lot of people in their mid to late 20s, people in their 30s, and the lady that sat next to me in Algebra must have been in her 40s, so don't feel so bad, there will be a good amount of people older than you there.

    Wish you the best.
  9. Leary

    Leary Member

    Thanks for the support, part of what makes me get by is learning about others with similar life experiences as myself. I hate the feeling of being alone and not being able to relate. If I even watch a stupid TV show with teens or young adults in it all I can think about is, "Wow I have no idea what any of this is like."

    The weirdest thing is it's not even about getting back those years. I would love to but I know that it's an impossible and unrealistic bitterness to have. I just wish that I could make some movement while I'm still young, I wish I could fit in with people my age and younger and maybe have some of those experiences without being considered an immature idiot trying to hang around with kids.

    Aging just scares the hell out of me lately. The type of fun that people in their late 20s and early 30s have just doesn't appeal to me while the type of stuff young people do is so appealing. I don't want to be 30 and my idea of a good time to be going and hanging out with my co-workers at a bar, talking about our miserable lives. Watching teens have fun by just walking around town, skateboarding, meeting up with other teens etc. It's just a life I've never had and want so desperately.

    It's not even about drinking or partying necessarily, it's growing up and living these experiences with a group of peers that I wish I could have had. I feel like I'm by myself at this point, it's not like I can go out and lose my virginity and talk to a bunch of other 22 year olds like it's a big deal. :p

    And now I feel like I'm starting to LOOK older. I was actually considering lying about my age when I went back to school. Maybe shave two years off and just tell them I'm 20 and waited a year before going to college. It seems silly but I'm so scared of feeling alienated by people who I probably have more in common with than those my own age. Now I'm starting to get this awful thinning hairline (thanks family :p) and my face is becoming lined. My teeth are also horrible but that's another issue itself, having no dental insurance sucks.

    I apologize for rambling a little more in this last post, I'm really tired as I haven't been sleeping. Too lazy to proofread. Sorry also if I'm reiterating any of the points I've already touched on.

    I'm hoping that during my time here I can possibly talk with some people via PM or messengers. That type of stuff really helps me, so if anyone else out there has a similar story to mine feel free to message me. :)
  10. EmptyLife

    EmptyLife Well-Known Member

    I can identify so strongly but, alas, I have nothing helpful to add.
    I am 45 and never had a friend in high school. Never went anywhere with anyone, let alone saw the inside of anyone's house. I lived in a tunnel. I have no idea what went on in high school. I tried to make friends but couldn't. My self-esteem was so low that I walked around with my head bent to the ground, and now I have a hunchback as a result.
    I know well the feeling of being old without ever feeling young. I have had it most of my life.
    Most people recover from depression with help. I am some kind of exception. You are taking the right steps by coming here, and I hope you will continue to take steps toward recovery.
  11. shazwackers

    shazwackers Well-Known Member

    Well done for coming here and pouring out your feelings so we can help, or at least just listen......I can relate so much to what you say..........I was isolated for various reasons when I was at school and never had a chance to go to college as mum needed us all to work to pay the bills, so I grew up too soon without ever having had a childhood.

    I think when you go to college that you will have a good experience, if you let yourself........you are worth a lot and have a lot to give and can make friends..........try not to think about friends having to be certain age groups.....I know you say that people in their 30's dont appeal as friends but go with the flow and see what develops.............feel free to pm if you want to chat more....take care.......shaz
  12. Leary

    Leary Member

    Thanks EL, I'm a bit late replying but I felt like bumping this back up to see if anyone else has anything to discuss. Feeling down again lately, it's like the last month has blown by in an instant.

    I think the reason that I'm so down lately is that I realize how bizarre it is that I never go anywhere. Most people my age, even if they're unhappy like I am, at least have obligations and go out. They go to work or school, have friends to hang out with now and again. It feels like by the time I'm 22 I'll have missed out on YEARS of this stuff. Most 22 year olds couldn't possibly keep track of how many times they've gone out with friends, went to parties, had dates etc.

    I can easily keep track, as it has only been a handful. :(

    The suicidal thoughts have been creeping back in as well. I feel like I ruined my life and I just can't fix it. The only thing that could possibly make me happy is the impossible - to do things over again. I don't like being me, I don't like the life I have lead. I just wish I could be someone else.
  13. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    I'm 16 now. If things don't go well in the next year, I can completely see myself ending up in your position, down to the balding (my father was bald at 26)

    What you said about dreading your family visiting... that really resonated with me. I'm skipping a trip back east this summer to go to summer school. Well, not exactly. I'm going to summer school to skip going back to Ontario.
  14. Ldub20

    Ldub20 Well-Known Member

    I know what it is like to be 21 years and have full-blown depression. If you are a college student and don't think your depression will go away before the school year starts, you should cancel the semester and take a semester off so your depression won't impact your academic performance. I hate watching people succeed where I can't succeed--because of my disease, finding a sense of belonging and a significant other is a challenge resulting in failures. You've made the right choice coming here and finding people who are willing to let you know that they've had similar experiences and feelings.
  15. Leary

    Leary Member

    The problem is I really feel like I can't afford to skip another semester. I would go back to school right this second if I could. I hate the idea of losing any more time, I just can't do it.

    I probably should elaborate a little further. The actual reason that I didn't immediately go to college after high school was because my father was ill and that really threw a wrench in my plans. I can't blame it entirely on that, but he fell ill a few months after I completed my second-to-last GED exam. I planned on completing the final one over the summer and going to community college in the fall.

    His illness lasted all of the summer well into the fall and he passed away a few days after my 19th birthday. That summer and his passing completely put even the thought of going to school out of my head. I conversed with my school a few times after that (I was in a GED practice program) and intended on going back but I never did. I was depressed, I had to deal with family members who were depressed (more than I was) and I just fell off the face of the Earth for the last three years.

    Now I'm playing catch up. ALL I ever think about is the fact that I'm so far behind everyone else. I never learned how to drive, I never went to college with everyone else, I'm just behind. Even my one friend (I only have one friend :\) who didn't go to college is in a better position than I am. He's had a bunch of girlfriends, moved in with one for awhile, he goes to parties all the time.

    I just hate the idea of postponing anything because I know that I won't do anything with the "time off". That eats away at me too, I have no purpose in life and that's why I don't do anything. Even if I had a job I would at least have a reason to wake up.
  16. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Hey Leary,

    I just wanted to say that touched me I am sorry for all your problems, I wanted to give you my thoughts on it if that is okay?

    I have had depression since I was well as long as I can remember, I am 26 and have never dealt with it until now. I don't drive either, What I am trying to say Is you need to look after yourself fix you and treat yourself kindly.

    Putting all this pressure on yourself to complete things when you are depressed makes it 100 times worse to do believe me. I think taking time out is fine, you have your whole life to do things okay, you just need to take it a step at a time.

    I hope that makes some sort of sense (i to am really tired right now), but the main thing is please take care and look after yourself

  17. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    Hi Leary, I've read your thread, and I just want to say I'm sorry you feel this way. IMO your never to old to start mixing, the friends you make will be better friends than ones you would make in high school, friendships in high school (by my experience) are fickle and break at the slightest bit of pressure, I now only have 2 friends, one of which has only come back on the scene in the last month.
    I'm 21 now, just so you know, and I;m starting college in september, and I'm absolutely shitting it in regards to mixing with people, I'm probably going to be the oldest there and the odd one out, but I'm still doing it. If you never do it, you never know.
    You can drop me a PM if you want
  18. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hey Leary,how are you? I sympathize with your position. Every person needs to go through a childhood and adolescence. It is a necessary season in life. It's not really an option. It's a need. If you skip a season in life, and in your case, it's youth, you have a biological need to act out. You will feel a void, or sadness that you have missed something. It can even become an obsession. So while others your age have moved on because they have gone through that phase, you will tend to get stuck in that phase. You will have a tendency to be drawn back to those years where you did not live your life.

    Fortunately, you are still young, in good health, I assume, and desiring to change things.

    Sometimes, taking down one problem, can bring down a few others. For example, you get yourself a job at the grocery store bagging groceries or stocking shelves, then you meet some good friends, you even meet a girl who you get along with and something gets going.

    Now you feel self respect. Maybe you're only working 4 hrs a day, 5 days a week. Now you can tell people you have a job. You don't have to say part time. Your self esteem goes up, and your mind is think about other things, instead of depressing thoughts. You can go places, take your girl out when you get one.
    You can start taking driving lessons, and putting money away for a used car.
    Things can get rolling because you just took a part time job.
    You can confidently tell your relatives of your life.
    Begin somewhere. Go out with the rookies you work with. They may just be teenagers. Don't go overboard, because you probably don't have a healthy brake system that works in the fun department, yet.
    What I mean is when fun has been denied you in childhood, you tend to be either over cautious or you tend to go overboard.
    Either way, you may end up not fully enjoying yourself.
    It's best to pace yourself, take things slowly, do things in moderation.
    Build up your confidence.
    You're still young and just get out there and get a job no matter how small, and take it easy. Find someone you respect who'll understand that need you mentioned here, and have him guide you so you don't do what many are tempted to do and that is trying to catch up with all they missed on the same day.
    If you cannot find that person, you'll have to do that role.
    If you drink, until you know yourself and limits you may say, "I will drink just one glass slowly on a full stomach. Then I will stop, no matter what."
    If you're enjoying yourself, think of enjoyment, part of you must keep in mind that going in unsafe zones have consequences.
    You still have time to fulfill your youth but you have to start now. It's worth it.
    PM me anytime.
  19. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni

    I can definitely relate to the loneliness. I have very few friends. "What did you do this weekend" is a question I often dread. I do have a couple friends, but I still rarely go out. I'm inside by myself most of the time. Everyone else is always so busy with this or that. I've got nothing.

    The only thing I can offer is knowing that there are other people like you going through similar stuff. I'm still majorly depressed, and have been without let up for a few years, so I've got no good advice, but I just want you to know that you're not alone.
  20. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    I have ruined my life through my videogame and computer addiction, just as I've heard people doing it with addictions to smoking, drinking and drugs.

    I have just turned 23, just graduated from college and I can relate so much to this thread, probably the most out of any other thread ever on this forum in the last five years.

    You name it, I've probably missed out on it and haven't done it, like getting a girlfriend, partying, doing things that "normal" people have done. I just stay in my house and waste time web surfing or playing games or watching TV, doing nothing productive. I have done this for god-knows-how-many-years. I just live as a mindless zombie with no purpose, no ambition, no drive to do anything else. I have wasted all these precious years and can never get them back and of course its extremely depressing as many here have said. I also hate seeing those younger than me having done so many things I still have not.

    And then I am still relatively young but I just think that those are only more years for me to suffer a long and miserable life (barring an untimely death, which I wouldn't mind too much right now). I feel that because I missed out on so many things and that my life is so empty and boring, that nobody will EVER want to be my friend, girlfriend, wife, etc. Who would want to hang around a guy that is so boring and hasn't done things that everyone else has? So, I ruined my important, formative years and thus I will suffer for it for the rest of my life, and thus why I contemplate suicide. Because I do feel that it will never get better, that I have done so much damage that it cannot be fixed. At least this is how I feel.

    I know its also a matter of attitude. I guess I could stop thinking and dwelling on all I have lost and missed out on and think about what I still have, what I can still do. It's FAR easier said than done with this depression that has hung over my head since I joined this forum almost five years ago.

    I just want to feel hope, feel optimistic that even though I have really screwed up my life, that it won't screw me over for the rest of my life. Maybe the rest of my existence can be more tolerable? I don't want to keep living like this for much longer or I'll have to really end it. If I have to life a long life, please don't make it a torture for me every single day, please!
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 1, 2010
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