I'm 21 and I haven't had close friends since I was like 14. I was homeschooled and attended an alternative school during my high school years which enabled me to be a social recluse. I never had a girlfriend, went to parties, hung out with friends or anything. When I was like 16-19 I had one friend left over from before high school that I would hang out with once or twice a year at most. The closest people to me in my life are a few family members, but that's it. I don't have a job nor have I ever, I don't have a car nor can I drive. I only just received my GED a few months after turning 21 and if I go to college in the fall I'll be a 22 year old Freshman. I noticed recently that I'm starting to lose my hair. Natural, right? Quite frankly it wouldn't bother me nearly as much (despite how young I am) if not for the fact that I've yet to even attend college. In a lot of ways I imagined that I would be able to make up my lost teen years once I went off to college. Maybe I would make some friends, go to a party for the first time in my life and perhaps have a girlfriend. I've barely left my house since I was like 18. Seriously, I don't go out. I'll go outside and hang around to get some air or go to a relative's house but I very rarely go anywhere. The last time I went out with a friend was around a year ago and all we did was get lunch before coming back to my (mother's) house and watching some videos and messing around online. Of course I waited three years before even finishing my GED so now I'm going to be the old guy at school when I actually go. I have to go to community college first and if I transfer I won't be a 20 year old junior, I'll be a 24 year old Junior who is losing his hair. I'll basically be the guy that everyone looks at and goes "oh hey, whose dad is going to school here?". Living in a dorm was one of my dreams if I went to college but I'm practically already too old for that. I will never get that "college experience" where I party with friends, live amongst my peers or anything like that. Chances are if I make my "dream" come true and go to a real University in a few years I'll probably continue to live in my shell and not meet anyone or make any friends there either. Now after that diatribe I guess I should talk about why I'm here as opposed to just any other "I'm depressed and need support" group. Well, I've been having suicidal thoughts creeping into my mind in the last few months. I'm suicidal because I've convinced myself that it's impossible for me to overcome my problems. Every issue I have is with the past, which I can't fix. I can't go back to high school and live a life similar to how other kids that age live. I can't go back to being 18 and enter college at a reasonable age before I started going bald and aging. I can't fix any of that. I'll NEVER be able to have my teen years back. I'll NEVER get my first kiss, girlfriend or anything else at a reasonable age. I'm just running away from adulthood at this point and it's catching up more and more each day. I have a <Mod Edit:Irishdoll,Methods> left over from a dental procedure and I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I stare at it nearly every day thinking about how easy it would be to down the whole thing and just go to sleep forever. Will I ever do it? Maybe, I don't know. But I do know that I can use any support I can get right now. I may not be a crisis case but if things don't improve and I can't get over these feelings I may very well become one. Sorry for the manifesto, hehe. I just needed to get a lot of this off my chest.