I have things to do...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by WannaEndit01, Aug 21, 2016.

  1. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    I thought about ending it. I should have everything I need, but I don't have the courage.

    Why I am writing this. I am looking for human contact I believe. Is this sincere, unfortunately it is. So now what can I say. Well I can say either do it and end it, or try and rebuild from where you are.

    What would rebuilding require:

    1. Switch jobs at work -- your meeting with the VP on Tuesday -- I think this will happen.
    2. Process the rest of the images from the test data
    3. Do more search on "normal" data. Looking to bolster your position.
    4. Create a report.
    5. E-mail them letting them know we achieved positive results that it can be done, sending over result with proposal.
    6. Look for Gym with Squash or Raquet ball.
    7. Move stuff into the shed.
    8. Go putting around on the boat.

    Those are the things you can do.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 21, 2016
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I like the idea of rebuilding. I think many people wake up each day with the idea that they have things to do and that to keep going means making some changes and rebuilding - every day.

    Sometimes, moving forward in a constructive way takes more courage than giving up. Your list of things to do to rebuild sounds quite interesting to me...interesting enough that I'd want to stay around and do more. It sounds like maybe you do some kind of research or data analysis. That could be fascinating. :) What is involved in creating the report you note in point 4? I'm curious and interested in the process. I hope you decide rebuild. Seems you have lots to offer and things to do...

    Be safe.
     
  3. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    Writing those things above made me feel good for a bit. But now it seems like a bunch of B.S. Actually though they are the things I need to do to start my life back up. Or just take my life -- that would be easier (I tell myself that). So why wait to be fired and have your proposal rejected. Take your life now . . . Get ahead of the curve so to speak. I think that is the correct thing. Though every time I get close I puss out.

    Which brings up the following question. Why is it so bad if I take my life? Really, I did not ask to be born. To much negative sh?? has come my way. I am truly tired of it. I will never ever be happy again. It's truly not possible.
     
  4. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    "What is involved in creating the report you note in point 4?"

    It's kinda of difficult to explain but basically, take all the matches for the different Abnormal and Normal cells and and show that there is a visual relationship between the cancer or disease cells nuclei, clumping, and membranes. Such that a set of search criteria can be set up to search for each specific disease.
     
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm so sorry you are feeling that low. Depression and its negativity are nasty, invasive, and deceptive. Very deceptive. It's possible your proposal could be rejected. It's not certain. Trying to do our best is never a waste of energy or effort. Using energy to defeat ourselves or worse kill ourselves is a waste.

    No one asks to be born, but since we are here, we have the chance to be the best person we can be and have the best life we can make for ourselves. So what if we and life are not perfect? And so what if we get knocked down and have to try again. That's how we learn and come up with new ways of doing things. If XYZ doesn't work, then maybe we need to try AXZ, or DST or...

    Suicide is a sure way of not getting a better result from life. Please, don't let your depression run your show. You seem to be a very smart person and your feelings right now are just feelings, not reality. Please don't hurt yourself. Hurting yourself/attempting suicide would make your feelings a reality - you would be defeating your life. Right now, you are a position to make things better, even if it's a struggle and even if it doesn't always work our perfectly.

    Why not live out your life to the fullest? We can all do what we can to be the best we can be. From the rebuilding list you made, I can see clearly that there is lots more to you than just feeling suicidal. Those things could make life worth the effort, imo.

    Please stay safe.
     
  6. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    I appreciate the up lifting message acy. I don't think you can say anything to change this but thank you for trying. Taking my life is the correct decision for me. Now I need to get the strength to do it. That is the real issue now - follow through. Do it. I not sure if talking about it is allowed here. I know specifics are not. Bringing my miserable existence to its end is good for all. My wife will get all the assets and a little money. Then I am done. Good bye "cruel world". I said that for effect, but I actually mean it.

    So now what? I've convinced myself it's the correct thing to do. I have to wait until everything I need gets here. Then will I do it? I hope so. It's like end this or move on. Sitting on the depresso fence is not away to live and will cause things to implode around me, providing more good reasons to do it. <Mod Edit : Timeline>
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 21, 2016
  7. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    Me again. No one appears to read or respond to my threads. So here is my latest update from about 2 hours ago. I friend called me and asked me if I wanted to go surfing (wake surfing, look on-line). I said how about 3:00. He said OK. So now I am hoping that I have a couple hours of un-depresso with him. I'll be stuck on a boat for several hours. Dangerous especially if I lose it. But also, if it goes well, it's good to break the depression. That's why I said yes. Plus he'll stop calling if I stop showing up. I already blew off a dinner party with him.

    So I have to leave in 30 minutes. Hope I make it OK. Let's not forget 2 hours ago I was committed to ending it. Right now I would say I am almost 50/50. Well I gonna go. Don't hesitate to chime in.
     
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Have a fun time with your friend surfing, please keep us updated on how you are doing. Enjoy yourself! And forget about all your worries while you are out there with your friend!
     
  9. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    My god a response. Thank you.
     
  10. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    I am back. I think I was ok on the outing. I am more depressed then ever. Suicide is my best solution. Not allowed to say when -- time line. Or how, but what I can say is that it looks like the best solution available for me.
     
  11. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    Hate to hear you are having such a rough time with things. Hopefully your project will work out very well for you.

    Best Wishes
     
  12. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    I wish the website could solve my issues but it can't. No one can, that's the problem. I tried connecting, sharing, etc. but it's not working for me. :(
     
  13. just_some_guy

    just_some_guy Member

    I think the point is for this to be a distraction when you literally have nothing else going on. This website won't solve your problems, but at least it's something you can use to pass the time. All I've had for too long now is the hope that something will eventually improve. I'm still waiting it out.
     
  14. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    Maybe you need more support than SF provides. Have you thought about seeing a mental health professional? Like a counselor or a psychiatrist? If you are considering suicide than it is probably a good idea.

    Take Care
     
  15. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    I am on my 4 week of prozac. So yes.
     
  16. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    What about talking with a counsellor.
     
  17. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    Do you feel like the prozac is helping you? I tried it and it didn't do anything for me. Maybe time to change to a new medication that might help you better.
     
  18. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    Before Prozac worked for me. Am I better then 3 weeks ago, yes. I am not cycling as much. But the sense of dread is stronger then ever. Talking with a counselor is too difficult to arrange on my insurance. Neither prozac or a counselor can change the situation anyway. Honestly, if I look clearly at where am at etc. going forward does not make sense, yet killing myself is such a harsh solution. So I am trapped.
     
  19. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    This is a trap of your own making. Maybe you need to think outside of the box to find a better solution for you?

    If you are considering ending your life, I feel like the hassle of finding yourself a good counselor would be worth the hassle. You are worth it.
     
  20. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    I understand your position. It's logical actually. The point is a counselor can't undo what I've done, no matter how good they are. They may be able to cause me to see things in a different way for a while. But they can't change what is. That's the sucky part. Coming to terms with where I am at, and where I am going is what it is. No one can change that.