I Have This Friend...

[MrB79]

I have this female friend who had been a major source of both joy and contention for the better part of two decades. For the purpose of anonymity I will refer to her as "Amy". We meet in high school back in 1995, when we were both young grunger kids. After losing touch for a few years, our paths crossed again in 2001. We've been relatively close friends ever since. In 2010 we became lovers, but broke up two years later for reasons I will explain below.

She doesn't have a job in the conventional sense, nor do I believe she has tried to put forth any serious effort (a regular job at minimum wage is so far beneath her). Amy claims to be a housekeeper for a neighbor. She lives with her mother, who, I suspect, enables her lifestyle of gaming, clubbing, and the like. In her younger days, she was very judgement and negative, and seems like she is better than most people.

Our friendship is complex. My ex wife hated her, as she was often times a third wheel in our outings. When I got divorced and had a life-threatening surgery , Amy told my mom who much she really loved me and wanted to be with me, hence our love affair of two years. She didn't like sex, and often times used me. She wouldn't contribute in any way to anything, and sometimes talked down to me.

We've been hanging out off and on for a few years, now, but every time I'm with her she drags me down at times. I think she tried to still use me, and there is an unspoken awkwardness between us. I really do love her, but I know I deserve better (even if it never comes, as I often say). Amy is often critical of my relationships and family, as well. Should I allow my friendship to continue, or should I run the risk of being friendless without her?

 

[dtc]

Sounds like her friendship is having a negative impact on your mental wellbeing. If it is, then I'd suggest you would be better off not having her around.

 

[MrB79]

Sounds like her friendship is having a negative impact on your mental wellbeing. If it is, then I'd suggest you would be better off not having her around.

It really is.

 

[dtc]

Then it's not really a friendship. It's probably a combination of being a habit, and you being a caring person and not wanting to hurt her feelings. Time to look after yourself first.

 

[MrB79]

Then it's not really a friendship. It's probably a combination of being a habit, and you being a caring person and not wanting to hurt her feelings. Time to look after yourself first.

You are right. I do need to look after myself first. We've been friends for so long it's hard to let go. Our friendship was never equal, nor will it ever be. Recently, she derided me for wanting to move to a new area; basically scoffing at my dreams. The problem is I feel so alone without her in my life. I don't have many close friends, and I'm staring to believe that romantic relationships are not meant for me.

However, I can't keep letting her bring me down and using me.

 

[dtc]

Good to hear you know what's best for you, focus on what makes you feel better and you will get there.

 

[MrB79]

Good to hear you know what's best for you, focus on what makes you feel better and you will get there.

@dtc Thank you. It can be hard at times for me to feel good and to be happy, but I'll continue to do what I can.

As for my friend.....I don't think she is conducive to my wellbeing. In fact, a therapist told me to run from her years ago. What's that tell you?

 

[dtc]

It tell's me that you're a caring person who's been putting themselves second in this friendship for far too long, but who's now realised that they are worth looking after and doing what makes them feel better. Hang in there, it will improve.

 

[Egg119]

This is not a healthy relationship, it sounds very much like she has her own mental issues. Life can be hard enough without 'friends' bringing you down, they should be there to encourage and support you.

 

[MrB79]

This is not a healthy relationship, it sounds very much like she has her own mental issues. Life can be hard enough without 'friends' bringing you down, they should be there to encourage and support you.

Exactly!

 

[MrB79]

It tell's me that you're a caring person who's been putting themselves second in this friendship for far too long, but who's now realised that they are worth looking after and doing what makes them feel better. Hang in there, it will improve.

Thank you. It's been a long time coming, but I deserve to be myself...to be happy.

 

[MrB79]

An update about my friend "Amy": For my birthday last month she took my on an outing to Sacramento (of course, I had to drive..as is usually the case), including lunch and some pre-Halloween shopping. Everything seems swell..pleasant, even..until the ride home. The agitation was mounting, I could tell. When I was discussing work and how I got my new car she turned d on me, screaming that I need to stop seeking validation and consider other people. Perhaps she feel I was lording my good fortune over her, which is simply not the case. She always does this; Acting cool and relaxed in the beginning, only to become a scathing banshee toward the end. It doesn't matter what we do. I left an otherwise enjoyable day completely stunning and perplexed. Being in her company is quite unpredictable, and leaves me mentally and emotional drained sometimes.

Furthermore, she now claims to be seeking SSI benefits on the grounds she has Asperger's Syndrome. I've know this woman for well over twenty years, and have never seen anything that would indicate such a condition. Frankly, it sounds to me like she's attempting to pull some sort of dodge. Honestly, I don't know why I care so much. Despite the fact she uses me and treats more poorly a fair amount to times there is a part of me that is still in love with her. Maybe this is why I put up with so much from her? Assuming she gets her benefits she's moving to Oakland to be among her goth friends.

Amy is the only friend I associate with on a continuous basis, yet she makes excuses not to get together most of the time. Those I know who've met her say she's toxic and negative, and needs to be cut from my life completely. Wither friend or lover, I know I deserve so, so, much better than this. Being otherwise devoid of close friends or a romantic partner, figuring out a solution to this situation has become rather vexing.

 

[dtc]

Sounds like you know what needs doing, always easier said than done but with the support of people here I'm sure you'll get there.

Take care

 

[Vanquished]

I'd like to offer a different perspective, if I may. It was my experience that as long as I spent so much time and energy on the wrong people I wasn't allowing the opportunity for the right people to come into my life. It was a hindsight lesson I learned after I let go of the toxic friendships in my life.

I didn't make healthier friends immediately (which was ok for me personally), but I did make much, much healthier ones that are still in my life today. These new friends have NEVER used me for anything, and have always been very supportive and encouraging. (We've been friends for 8yrs now.) I also have significantly more friends now than I had when I only had the toxic ones.

All that to say, I'd encourage you to let go of this toxic relationship so you can make room for the right ones to come into your life.

Hoping for the best for you!

 

[MrB79]

I'd like to offer a different perspective, if I may. It was my experience that as long as I spent so much time and energy on the wrong people I wasn't allowing the opportunity for the right people to come into my life. It was a hindsight lesson I learned after I let go of the toxic friendships in my life.

I didn't make healthier friends immediately (which was ok for me personally), but I did make much, much healthier ones that are still in my life today. These new friends have NEVER used me for anything, and have always been very supportive and encouraging. (We've been friends for 8yrs now.) I also have significantly more friends now than I had when I only had the toxic ones.

All that to say, I'd encourage you to let go of this toxic relationship so you can make room for the right ones to come into your life.

Hoping for the best for you!

Thank you for your perspective; It really does make sense. I've spend so long holding on to relationships what were damaging to me, and being everthing to everyone at the cost of myself. Caring too much what others think has affected me, too.

You are correct that in order to bring in the good, the bad must go.

 

[Blake9]

I have been in your shoes and seriously you deserve better. Being alone is terrible and it scares but its much better being alone and mentally good than being with someone that makes you feel like shit even if you are in love, even everything. You have to think in your health, in your mind. When I struggled with that I found myself between two options:
Following my feelings, my romantic feelings or respecting myself once and for all. I took the second.
I dont know If I did the right thing, If I should have waited some time but the only thing I know that I am mentally much better than before.

 

[MrB79]

I have been in your shoes and seriously you deserve better. Being alone is terrible and it scares but its much better being alone and mentally good than being with someone that makes you feel like shit even if you are in love, even everything. You have to think in your health, in your mind. When I struggled with that I found myself between two options:
Following my feelings, my romantic feelings or respecting myself once and for all. I took the second.
I dont know If I did the right thing, If I should have waited some time but the only thing I know that I am mentally much better than before.

@Blake9 Thank you. I do deserve better, even if it never comes. Most of my life I've been lonely, and I use to think I had to buy other people's love, admiration and friendship. Amy is the one constant I had. But I'm tired of letting people using me and treat me like crap, even in the name of friendship. Trusting people is hard, now, especially trusting women. There are time I try to conform to social standards, but I was meant for so much more than that.

You'll never know who exhausting and taxing being in any sort of relationship with this person it. It leaves me mentally, emotionally exhausted. She has issues, to be sure, but she needs her own help. Perhaps there's a part of me that's still afraid of being all alone...no friend, no lovers, no family..etc.

 

[Walker]

Amy sounds like a tough one to get along with on the regular. You deserve some close friends and she doesn't seem to be one of those for you. That doesn't make either of you bad people, just not made for each other in that way. I'd think you could keep her around as a friend but not someone who you lean on as much as you once did in the past. She's just not the same person anymore. Good luck. Friendships/relationships are just tough.

 

[MrB79]

She's just not the same person anymore.

Neither am I.

 

[MrB79]

I know what I must do. I also know I deserve to be happy. The past few days have made me realize I honestly cannot keep putting myself through this.