I have to decide

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Nov, Mar 12, 2011.

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  1. Nov

    Nov New Member

    I don't really understand the forum rules.
    Well, I do understand some of them but abit is somewhat hard to fully grasp.

    But anyway if I am violating any rules is not on purpose. Feel free to delete this post if I do.

    Ok, so here goes.
    I need to decide to live or to die. It's a hard decision.
    I have what I need (i think/hope) right here in my lap. I tried before and always failed. I am scared of pain and I am scared of actually dying. But however I just want my own every day pain to end.
    I tried seeking help and I tried to be happy and cope.
    I just can't do that anymore I think.
    I'm just exhausted and fed up.
    I'm so sick of having anxiety and having my heart pound so hard. I get trouble breathing, it's like breathing through a small straw. I just wanna scream loud as hell and throw myself on floor and kick and pound my fists as hard as I can.
    It's panic attacks and I can't prevent them. It just makes me want to die.
    I have anti depressive meds. It doesnt really help.
    My doctor told me to take more and wait til it gives effect, and I think that takes 1- 2 weeks.

    Still I'm here right now, it's hard to breath right now.. I just want it to end..
    I
     
  2. Nov

    Nov New Member

    Well, I decided.
    Enough is enough. Can't take anymore
     
  3. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    Hi

    I'm so sorry things are so difficult for you at the moment.. it sounds just exhausting, getting through day by day, minute by minute, hard to breathe, just want it all to end.

    I really hope that you don't harm yourself tonight but instead reach out for some help. Is there anyone you could call to be with you right now? Or a helpline?

    Please give the medication a try.. they often do take a while to take effect and i know waiting an extra 2 weeks or so may seem impossible right now but they could make all the difference.

    xx
     
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Hello Nov!

    I'm sorry that you have such bad panic attacks and depression.

    changing the meds might help

    meditation can help quite a bit I think

    for me dietary changes were useful. not eating cold or raw foods, processed food

    acupuncture, chinese medicine could be helpful

    you might want to go into the hospital to keep yourself from making an attempt.

    I hope that you can get better soon!

    I think that there are things that you can do that will make life better, but it is something that takes effort.

    Please stay for your sake and also your daughter!
     
  5. Nov

    Nov New Member

    Thanks for advice.
    I have been struggling with these meds for over 3 years (or maybe more) now, fed up waiting abit longer..

    And about food, its already a struggle. I can't really complicate it more. Just to go and buy the food and yet prepare it is a struggle in the state i'm in. I even have difficulties just to brush my teeth and take a shower.

    Anyways what was in my lap is now in my stomach. Not sure if its enough tho..
     
  6. SnowFallenAngel

    SnowFallenAngel Well-Known Member

    Hi nov

    I know exactly about the anxiety and panic attacks, the breathing difficulties and heart pounding, I've been there a lot of my life. It makes you depressed because you think they'll never go away, how long have you had them?

    Anti depressants can take a few months to get into your system, please stick with them, they may help.

    I hope you feel less depressed and anxious soon.

    Snow:IrishDoll:
     
  7. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    can anyone come and give you some support? are there family members that could help you?

    sounds like now is the time that you need some help, so maybe you can call on people who might be able to help you
     
  8. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    I don't think your breaking any rules mate. As long as you do not outline methods or go into details - then admitting you want to die is just being honest.

    I guess you have few people to talk to about it also. We are hardly to go to the local bar and strike up the classic conversational bomb of admitting we feel like dying.

    Things can get better - in fact, with depression they generally always do as depression is a bit like the weather, with dark clouds hanging about for a few weeks, but eventually the sun will return and so on.

    I'm sure others will reassure you about medication. If you can buy one of those e-book readers, that way you can top up with lots of books that challenge the mind a little, or if your not yet at that stage, then read a few classic novels which ease you back into seeing humanity as a mix of the good, bad and ugly.

    Have you any educational things going on right now? Maybe if life is a bit of a void you can fill it with meaningful things that can help you. The medicine WILL kick in soon enough and for some, these things are like night and day - they make a real difference and give you the breathing space in which to get your life in order.

    Have you any passions, maybe music or sport, anything that brings some joy into your life. Even if they seem dead right now, try to keep them alive.

    PS, if you feel like screaming out - take a walk and go to some place were you can! You might even find some meditation might be good for you - as well as maybe making sure you exercise each day as we collect a lot of energy and store it like batteries. Hence, why we might sometimes feel like screaming and rolling about on the floor. I stretch a lot which releases a lot of stored energy which I don't need. Since I started that I rarely feel that anxiety. I don't feel like punching people so much as I used to.

    Hope your feeling a bit better after reading this.
     
  9. themadcatter

    themadcatter Member

    you can get through this. i used to suffer with really bad OCD, anxious all the time, one morning i decided to just ignore all of my thoughts, and try to find peace in my mind, it gradually went away, to this day im 60% better, and am so much happier that i got my life back on track, if i can do this so can you, i have faith in you.
     
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