I've been battling mental illness for so long now. I've had some 25 hospitalizations since I turned 21 (now 26). We've tried just about every med out there. The combo I was on finally worked for a year or so. Then it stopped working. There are almost no meds left we have not tried. I've had ECT - shock treatments. They did not help, either. I keep thinking gruesome and gory thoughts, of rather violent means of suicide - but effective. It's so tempting. I do not want to exist. I want to die so much. I can't put these feelings in to words. It's just so, so uncomfortable that I don't want to feel it anymore. A few weeks ago, the cops picked me up because I was standing on an overpass, watching traffic and thinking. I was there because I left the crisis center where my case manager had made me go. I told them I was moving my car, but I just left. So the police had been alerted. I was hospitalized, my antidepressant was doubled, and I was let go. I thought maybe I was a little better. But tonight shows that I am not. I need to die. I have to. I have to escape this. I have to.