I have to get out. I have to escape.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by catecholamine, Feb 25, 2015.

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  1. catecholamine

    catecholamine Well-Known Member

    I've been battling mental illness for so long now. I've had some 25 hospitalizations since I turned 21 (now 26). We've tried just about every med out there. The combo I was on finally worked for a year or so. Then it stopped working. There are almost no meds left we have not tried. I've had ECT - shock treatments. They did not help, either.
    I keep thinking gruesome and gory thoughts, of rather violent means of suicide - but effective. It's so tempting. I do not want to exist. I want to die so much. I can't put these feelings in to words. It's just so, so uncomfortable that I don't want to feel it anymore. A few weeks ago, the cops picked me up because I was standing on an overpass, watching traffic and thinking. I was there because I left the crisis center where my case manager had made me go. I told them I was moving my car, but I just left. So the police had been alerted. I was hospitalized, my antidepressant was doubled, and I was let go.
    I thought maybe I was a little better. But tonight shows that I am not. I need to die. I have to. I have to escape this. I have to.
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Resident SF Sims Enthusiast Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    We all get bad nights from time to time, and tonight is probably one of those nights. You need to contact whoever you need to keep yourself safe. Whether this is a friend, family member, crisis worker or taking yourself to the hospital. I do know of the struggles you have had over the years and how talented and intelligent you are, there will be something out there for you, something that will help you be able to manage your illness. Thinking of you, here if you need to talk :hug:
  3. catecholamine

    catecholamine Well-Known Member

    This time is different. It's so intense. All I can think about are gruesome images. I see myself killing myself in gruesome, violent ways. It's all I can think about. I'm shaking. I feel like I'm going to vomit. I broke out in a cold sweat. I can't think about anything else. I can't do this. I can't.
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Resident SF Sims Enthusiast Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    If it's intense, then you need to go and seek help immediately to keep yourself safe. I have been in that place before, I know it doesn't seem like it now, because it is a dreadful place to be and feels like the last stop before you carry out those thoughts, but with help, the intensity will lessen and it will pass.
  5. catecholamine

    catecholamine Well-Known Member

    I refuse to be hospitalized again. I took my antipsychotic so hopefully I will sleep soon. It, too, is a sign of where I'm at. It is Clozaril, a medication of last resort. I have to get weekly blood tests to make sure the medication has not fried my immune system, can only fill a week at a time, and have to be in the clozaril registry to record and monitor my bloodwork, and approve the pharmacy to dispense my weeks worth. I have tried everything.
    I'm done.
    I give up.
  6. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    If you have any antii anxiety medication or just simply Tylenol PM take it and try to sleep, shut off your mind, right now it seems your having a panic attack and your mind has hijacked you and feeding you a freight train of negative and disturbing thoughts and images. Almost like hallucinations. I feel for you. Ive been there, believe me. Im still there. Just a lot older and a little wiser. When you wake up find something immediately to do to keep your mind busy. If you want to give up on hospitals and doctors and so called professionals I understand, I wouldn't though. But please don't give up on yourself. Theyre just thoughts. Theyre not real. They cant hurt you. Your not in danger. Find a safe zone. Know that your safe. And that your ok.
  7. catecholamine

    catecholamine Well-Known Member

    I'm out of options.
    It'll be over soon.
    Just a few more days, have some things to wrap up. So maybe this weekend will be the end of it. That's some comfort.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi catecholamine, I really hope you will reconsider your decision. It's not the road to go down. You are worth much more than you give yourself credit for. I hope you will be okay :hug:
  9. catecholamine

    catecholamine Well-Known Member

    I'm sure I have worth of some kind, but that's irrelevant. I absolutely do not want to continue to live.
    I can't put words to the feelings I experience...it's not sad, not lonely, but whatever this feeling is...it's excruciating. The need to die is like a compulsion.
    It's severe. If I told the 2 methods I am debating between (I will not as per rules), you would see just how far I'm willing to go to end my life. My means are limited by finances and also the law because of my psychiatric hospitalizations...there are certain, eh, things I cannot buy because those show up on my background check.
    People may be (mentally) hurt in the process, for which I do feel remorse, but I have run out of options.
    It's time to throw in the towel. I will not risk failure.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 26, 2015
  10. agwoodliffe

    agwoodliffe Active Member

    I know the root feelings are a different story altogether, but just out of curiosity, what is it that makes you want to choose suicide? Are you unhappy with certain people you are living with? Do you think you're disappointing them? Are you scared about something?
  11. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, I understand that you are having a tough time at the moment. You need to remain strong and keep posting for support. Please keep strong as we can help get through the tough period of life. Be safe, please.
  12. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    There are always options. Even if you just have to depend on your own sheer will. Your mental illness cannot kill you. Only you can. Believe me I understand where you are. I have this conversation with myself every day about suicide. I live with depression, anxiety disorder, gastroparesis and diabetes. Im going blind in one eye and my kidneys are not functioning and leaking protein. Im poor, jobless, suffering, have no support and I live in hell. Literally. I want "out" too. But life isn't forever. I guess I just convinced myself if I just stuck around for the remaining few years I have I can get something out of it and spare the lifelong trauma it would cause my parents. At my worse I check into a local crisis center which is free. They stick me in a room for a few days, monitor me, have people talk to me, keep me calm, give me the time and space to cry, clear my mind, think about things, and just exhale. I know your ability to cope and push through it is not unlimited, but you should be focused on finding as many ways to get the support and help you need instead of finding ways to end it all. Place yourself around the people who you love and trust most, tell them how you feel and let them help and be there for you. Work on getting these feelings down to a manageable point. Right now your thoughts are heavily influenced by the pain your feeling. You should not make this decision from that.
  13. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I can relate with what you are saying. I've also been on most all of the meds, including Clozaril and none of them helped. The suicidal feelings never go away for me. I'm sorry that you're having to suffer.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 26, 2015
  14. catecholamine

    catecholamine Well-Known Member

    Nope. It's none of those things. It's more of a chemical issue.
  15. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Eating healthy and excerising does help with the chemical aspects if you're at deadend with Meds.

    Read up different theories why you're like the way you are. Some people don't do well with fake sugar, some people don't do well with pop due to chemicals etc just giving examples out there people are trying to gain control of their feelings like you.

    Take care
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