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I have to... I don't know when I will, but I hope I do and succeed soon

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bloodlily, Feb 10, 2009.

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  1. bloodlily

    bloodlily Active Member

    I just am not meant for this life. I'm not strong or courageous enough to fight for my happiness either. My entire life was spent waiting for next life to live. Out of 30 years of my life, I've only had 2 months and 1 week of actual happiness. I've never lived my life, and I don't want to anymore. It just hurts too much. And it'll never end for the rest of my life. I just hope next life I just get born normally.
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya. I'm sorry you are hurting so much. What is making things so difficult for you right now? What makes you feel that you don't want to live your life? Life can be a challenge, but it also offers good times. Your good times may have been few and far between, but it's always possible to improve that score.

    In the meantime, please stay safe, hun. :hug:
  3. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    i am so sorry that you are feeling this way

    there must be some strength in you as it takes some strength to post a thread here and ask for help so you should be glad that you found enough to do that.

    instead of feeling like you've lived your life how about seeing it as taking one day at a time, working out what is good in that day and holding onto that to carry you on through. it may be something stupid like a warm blanket or the smell of a dinner that your proud of cooking to something really big that you've achieved that day.

    instead of thinking what the next life will bring why not take care of yourself in this life. maybe you actually were meant for this life and there is something good for you coming up

    stay safe and please take care of yourself x
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Bloodlilly,
    Welcome to the forum. You will find that we are a very supportive group of ppl. We all have been as low as your feeling right now. By helping each other we get by day by day. For some of us that is all we can manage. Others have found there path and have been able to move on with there lives.
    You can say anything you want to get that pain out. If you are more comfortable talking one on one then you can PM any of us and we would be happy to listen and help in any way we can. Please don't be so hard on yourself, you are going thru a rough time and I think with help you can improve the quality of your life!!!~Joseph~
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Bloodlily,

    welcome to the forums.

    Everyone is meant to be here, we are all here for a reason, you just haven't found that reason yet. Tell us more about yourself please and why you are feeling this way. Don't give up hun xxx
  6. bloodlily

    bloodlily Active Member

    :hug: thanks Acy. Its a very long story for me. To make long things short, I was never happy about my gender in my 30 years of my life. It ended with me being beaten up and isolated in grade and middle school because I just continued to space out (because I didn't want to relate to this life) And I was futher abused in the military until I ended up with PTSD, bipolar disorder, and social phobia, which upon my military discharged, ended me up with a chronic disorder of paranoid schizophrenia. I became totally unable to work, and was abandoned over the years by my (whatever) friends I had left. My family relatives told me to commit suicide because I'm so worthless (and because I have schizophrenia).

    When I was 27, I started to break down even more, and tried to transition (I'm an mtf. or as I see it, an ftmtf (I wasn't that guyish so... :tongue:)) to try to fight for my happiness for the first time in my life. I ended up with more ostracism, verbal, emotional and social abuse. Isolated in the end (which is where I've been for a few years now) I started having more suicide attempts. Neighbours harass me daily now. Its been 6 months of daily harassment. And they say that they're doing it because I deserve it. I can't move or migrate because I have no money.

    At this stage. The real only thing I can do, is kill myself, and pray for a better next life. If there isn't a next life, and all I do is to return to the earth, thats fine too. I just want this life to end. I just want to stop crying daily.
  7. bloodlily

    bloodlily Active Member

    thank you guys. :hug: but, all i can afford to do is to drug myself high on computer games daily. computer games are my life for a long time now, because though i'm not really attracted to most of them, they keep my head and heart numb and empty. it beats thinking and feeling. i don't know how to take care of myself in this life anymore. i don't know and can't see a way out, a light at the end of this tunnel.
  8. bloodlily

    bloodlily Active Member

    Thank you Joseph, I hope your life is less pained by being here as well. :hug:
  9. bloodlily

    bloodlily Active Member

    one reason is that despite being altered by life and society so much, ended up as a sexual pervert and hypersexual overnight. and i still have so much venus envy in me. it'll never go away. the perversion and hypersexuality just happened. i don't know how or why it turned out to be this way. i never was really interested in pornography, and i used to be pansexual more than bisexual, because physical appeal to me in a significant other wasn't that important to me. I just turned weird overnight, and its making people think worse about me than the wreck it already is.
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    hey Bloodlilly,
    I replied to your thread on one of the other forums. I told you I am a straight male, and that someones sexual preferences don't matter to me. I look at who the person inside is. This is a cruel world we live in but there are people out there that it doesn't matter to. Hell if you were to look at my neice you would think she was a guy. She straps her breasts down, dresses in mens clothes, has her hair cut short like a guy, and has told me she doesn't have feelings like other women do. She says she is a man on the inside.
    She doesn't let it bother her, that is who she is and if someone doesn't like it tuff shit. She's not afraid to throw down with anyone who gets in her face. All you can do is look at the person inside of you and decide if you like what you see or not. If it is no then make a list of things you don't like and work on them. Don't be ashamed of your self. Stay with us and you will make friends just like I did. I have no contact with the outside world other than my my therapist, doctor, and my shrink. The rest of the time I am isolated in my bedroom 24/7. I just don't do ppl thats why I cherish the friends I have made here so much. They are kind, caring, and supportive. They have stood beside me thru some rough times and I thank them for that....Take care!!!~Joseph~
  11. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    i just hope you stay here (on the planet ) and HERE (on s.f. ) long enough to realize that there is a reason for being. we all care about you here. we all have problems, or we wouldn't be here. . . we lean on each other - and get through.

    life is fleeting enough - don't leave it earlier than you have to.
    we all understand . . .. :hug:
  12. bloodlily

    bloodlily Active Member

    Thanks Joseph. But I'm a total stand alone culture is where I'm at. And there is no honest and realistic way out for me to ever come out from my depression and unhappiness besides death.

    That or unless I can reverse time.

    Or unless there is a medical way to remove all my memories in my life. I don't want to remember anything.
  13. bloodlily

    bloodlily Active Member

    I know. You've all very kind with your words. And I'm glad you've brought me some warmth this way. But I'm sorry. I'll be overdosing later... I'm just waiting for my food to digest finish first.
  14. diafwcc

    diafwcc Member

    Have you ever considered some form of electroconvulsive therapy? It is not a sure thing but if you have reached that point where the memories are just too much, ECT combined with other forms of therapy could help manufacture a change in your frame of mind, possibly even help to x out some of the worst memories. If you have a therapist that you see regularly/semi-regularly, ask him about it and ask him what he thinks of it as a treatment option. Better to forget who you are than lose who you are entirely.

    Those who suffer the greatest pain are also the strongest of heart, I know you have the strength to keep going.
  15. LastCrusade

    LastCrusade Well-Known Member

    This is exactly the type of thinking that has led many people into this forum thinking and wanting to commit suicide. You need to get a hold of yourself and not continue to wallow in self-pity. 30 years of life should have made you stronger and more matured but apparently you feel otherwise. You need to face this current life of yours, turn around the odds against you and live this life of yours to the fullest. This will never happen unless you, youself decide to do so AND change must come from within. You decide!
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