i have to kill myself

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by sadhart, Jan 8, 2012.

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  1. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    I feel to much guilt and too much pain and too much pressure from people. i can't take it anymore. i can't turn to anyone to understand and don't even start with some psych ward bullshit. what happened today has put me in overdrive of emotions and i don;t want to live anymore.
  2. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    what happened today?

    ---------- Post added at 05:17 AM ---------- Previous post was at 05:13 AM ----------

    PS i'm not gonna plead with you to not do anything to hurt yourself, cuz i'm in the same boat. guilt, pain, and pressure from other people - that is my life as well. add to that feeling completely alone. i am so damn alone. completely understand how events - no matter how small - can push you to the edge. small stressors turn my life upside down...

    i try to not give a shit. that helps a little to get me through the day. and if something is really bugging me, i try to pretend it's not real. usually, it's not too hard to pretend that someone is imaginary...lol...pretending events didn't happen is something i have yet to try though...
  3. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Dear sadhart,

    I agree with plshelpme....we would love if you were to express more in depth about what's going on, but only if you are comfortable with it. I don't know about you, but holding in my strongest emotions can increase my inner pain. I know things seem overwhelming right now....take care, and we are always listening. :hug:

  4. Jake.V

    Jake.V Banned Member

    I understand that your in pain. You can find help here if your willing to work with us to help you. If you really feel like you may do something done I would recomend you visit the ER at your local hospital.
  5. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni

    Some part of you wants to live considering you even bothered to post and let us know that you are feeling upset. We're here for ya :hug:
  6. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    thank you everyone. not to be too long winded or detailed. i had a temp job and my primary source for a ride there, my cousin, wouldn't take me because "she didn't want to" it wasn't like i didn't put gas in her car or other things, she is just a controlling overbearing person. she does this with other aspects of my life. she had been giving me crap about this job since i started and this was the final straw, not just with her but this whole family.

    fast foward to last saturday where an out of state cousin decided to talk to me, or really, decided to talk to me after i got told on for getting mad and being disrespectful. i get the usual guilt trip: im in my twenties, and im living with my aunt, I don't pay any bills, i could be kicked out anytime and some other stuff. at first it got to be too much and i just stormed out of the room. i know that wasn't the mature thing to do, but there were at least two reasons why i did this: 1) i was trying to have a calm day. while they were gathered around eating, i was in my room reading when my mother starts pestering me. keep in mind she hasn't spoken to me for months and now suddenly she wants to talk. she is such a self centered hypocrite.

    2) he wasn't telling me anything i wasn't already fully aware of about myself. im not sitting here kicking my feet up acting like i don't have a care in the world. and when im able to do something to contribute, i do so. it just doesn't seem to matter when i do so. i don't do things for my family to hold it over their heads or so they can praise me for it. i do it cause it just feels right.

    in the end the conversation ended on a good note, mainly because i held back a lot of what i wanted to say, and most of what i wanted to say kept getting interrupted by my mother. he wanted me to write to him and im trying to find a way to open up without totally knocking down everything he said, but i want to let him know im not some vain selfish freeloader....even though i feel like a failure everyday. another thing that got to me is that i was chastised for not being independent, but he kept going on about how i should go to the family for help...it was confusing. and my family makes being blood sound so unshakable which is just bullcrap.

    top that off with the fact i have to miss another semester of school, im still hurt over the worst rejection of my life with a girl from a couple of years ago, i have no job, no money, no booze to numb the pain, and tomorrow is my birthday and im not looking forward to it. the shit is just piling up and it's just the first month of the year. sorry for writing so much.
  7. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    and i don't mean to double post, but i have to say this: yes, i do not own anything worthwhile. and as my cousin had said to me on saturday, i have no stake around here (four family houses on the property) but i am a person and my own person at that and they somehow think they own and have the right to control that and they don't. the "elders" in this family lived their lives and they lived them in the way they wanted. they need to learn to back off because if they are so dead set in their stupid closed minded ways, then they have no business trying to change anyone else.

    Sorry again.
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