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I have to make it all go away

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by A_pixie, Jun 28, 2010.

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  1. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    I can't stop crying thinking about the time I was raped and my sister won't stop making fun of me for being raped and trying to get me to off myself I've explained whats going on in the rape and abuse forum but now it's taking a turn for the worst it seems that minute by minute I start feeling more determined and fixatated on doing it Ive already cut my already scarred up arm and its becoming more attractive by the second

    My parents cant stop her from attacking me and when she does I relive the attack in my head I just want to do it now I have to REST!!!!
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    I am very sorry that this is happening to you, please is there anyone crisis team you could call and talk too? Have you tried telling your parents how you feel yet?

    Please take care of yourself

  3. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    They know how I feel but they're so weak and afraid of my sister that they can't help me - they don't even want me to tell my uncles about the attack because they know they'll put him in hospital, THAT is how weak they truly are!

    Everything in my world is distorted, I treat people well, the treat me terribly, the guy who raped me was my best friend of almost ten years.

    In other words I live in a world where best friends rape each other and sisters laugh about it....this is so messed up and I can't switch it off. She even has control over my bladder habits I'm not allowed to look her in the eye or piss after 10pm there is something very sexually sadistic in that and in this fucking house I feel like I'm being abused all over again!!!!

    If I could stop it I would but nobody is helping me here I just want to go, I really do :(
  4. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    I understand what you are saying, I am truly sorry that people who care for you are not there to support and care for you after you have been through most awful horrible experience, we do care here, and can be your support. No one here wants you to suffer, but at the same time we want you more then anything to live and not give in to these bullies.

    We want you to smile again, and get the support and help you need. Have you been offered counselling yet?
  5. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    I have been to councelling but for different things such as abusive relationships and bulimia....thing is, I know I could recover from being attacked if I had a peaceful home to recover in, but my sister seems to deliberately hinder my progress and she has said she wants me to die.

    I have done nothing to warrant this, my family haven't either she treats us all terribly. I think she's a sociopath.

    I was on suicide watch couretesy of my parents when I didn't eat for a week and kept drinking and popping pills to sleep for days and everytime I was awake seeking councel from my mum, my sister kept calling her out of the room for no damned reason. She was trying to get me to be left to my own devices and go through with it I actually think she wants to kill me!

    I'm panicking over the situation and that's why i feel suicidal I don't know anybody who has been through this (it is, after all, a VERY weird situation) and I don't know what advice councellors could give me as this isn't your typical family situation ykno? :( It's all this sadness that is fuelling my drug use I now use cocaine whenever I can where I wouldn't have touched the stuff before - I just needed to know what it felt like to be happy again.

    Thanks for replying to me, it means a lot that the world isn't full of people like my sister and so-called best friend who did that to me!
  6. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    You need an environment that is not stressful for you that you can cope with the things that are hurting you better and receive the help and support you need. This may mean a stay in hospital for the short term, while they figure out how to support you in the outside world, you cannot be expected to cope in that environment so please do not think it is you, what you have been through is hard as hell to deal with in a loving environment, do you think you could perhaps talk to someone and see what options are available to you in the short term?
  7. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi pixie. I'm sorry to hear that your sister is being so cruel to you and that your parents are doing nothing about it. I think you need to stand up to her. She sounds like a bully and she needs to be taught a lesson. Maybe tell one of your uncles to have a 'chat' with her? She absolutely should not be telling you when you are allowed to use the bathroom. That is sadistic and cruel. I care about you hun. :hug:
  8. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    A Pixie,

    I am praying for you with all my heart and soul. Somehow you HAVE to get away. I know you know this but my word it sounds like such a nightmare! Your sister is deeply disturbed and you have to look at her as a person that is simply not sane and act accordongly. She seems pathologically jealous of you!The others seem to not be able to help.Are there any decent friends or organizations or groups you can turn to?

    This horrible world you have seen is not the only one. There are good people and people who will love and care for you. Look at the people here! We all CARE!!!!

    You poor dear soul, there has to be a way to save you from this. Maybe you have to go to social services or some shelter or hospital. SOMEHOW get away from these people.

    I'll help you any way I can. let me know how. I am praying for you!!!!

  9. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    She sounds like she is the one that should be removed from your house, not you.
  10. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Thinking of you and hope you are well.
  11. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the replies everybody, I'm hopinh to go to uni soon,miles down the country near the coast that will be as far away as possible I can get from my "sister" and my parents who didn't care about me enough to grow a backbone and stop her.

    What my parents don't realise is this situation is only temporary, I cannot forgive them for what they have done to me, letting her make me relive my rape day after day, and as soon as I have the means I'm cutting all ties with the lot of them.
  12. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi pixie. I think that some time away from that hostile environment will be really good for you in the long run. You need to heal from the pain and suffering you sustained the night you were raped and not have your sister throw it in your face every chance she gets.
  13. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    I'm so happy to see you post here again!!!! You have made so many courageous and great decisions! WHAT AN INSPIRATION! I'm am so happy to hear the things you've said. Things are going to get better now,I KNOW. PLease keep writing and tell us how things are progressing! I just think you are GREAT!!!!

  14. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Stand up to them pixie and show them that you can't be pushed around anymore.
  15. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    We love you Pixie and are on your side!!!! PLEASE keep us posted. You are so brave and wonderful!!!!
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