I have totally destroyed my whole life and I want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by :'( sad, Mar 28, 2014.

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  1. :'( sad

    :'( sad New Member

    I don't know where to start because I feel like no one will understand anyway. I am sure everyone else in my position would be ok and just move on. So I have 3 gorgeous kids that through my hardest times keep me living but I also wish they weren't here so I had the freedom to kill myself now. I haven't been with their dad for 3 years and I live with my new partner. I am really unhappy though because I have three kids already he never wants even one child with me. I wish I was dead. I never imagined not having children with the person I was with. He is like we have your kids I am good with that but WE don't and despite the fact that he is not in their life they have a dad and its not my new partner and never will be. I love having kids and always wanted a big family but feminism has gone too far and now I am expected to want a career and other bull poop I couldn't be the least bit interested in so my choice is still being taken away. Having a child with someone changes the whole relationship it is just closer and I won't ever have that closeness in my life ever again. I am devastated and I just don't want to live anymore. My life is destroyed because everything I ever had was with my ex. All my happiness but he left and I wanted so much to move on and be happy but that's been taken away. I know no one will understand why this upsets me so much but it does. I have made my choice to get my youngest child who i s 4 to 18 and then kill myself. Every day I don't even think I can make it that long but I have to because otherwise my children will have to go with their dad and he will fuck them up. I wish I had never brought kids into the world when they have to deal with a mother men don't even want enough to actually want kids with her. I hate myself so much for whatever is wrong with me that makes men hate the idea of having a baby with me. I must be a disgusting person. I don't want to live anymore and put people through having such a disgusting person in their lives.
     
  2. emmm

    emmm New Member

    Dear :'( sad,

    I first want to say that I am sorry you are feeling so distressed. You're right in that I don't understand your exact problem because I am not in your shoes, but that doesn't make it any less legitimate.
    Have you ever thought that maybe your new partner doesn't want to have any more kids because of the effort it requires to take care of the 3 you already have? There are plenty of ways to connect with your partner that don't involve having any more children. If he thought you were disgusting, he wouldn't be with you :) Also, maybe once your young kids grow up, there may be time to have another while it is less hectic than it is now.
    As far as things go for now, I would suggest talking to him about exactly how upset this has made you (try to remain calm while you are talking, though). He should know.
    Don't be so hard on yourself. You have children who need you. You have a new relationship full of love. Although things are dark, there are still a few things to smile about. Things won't get better immediately, but if you put forward the effort even the worst of situations will get better in time.
     
  3. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    :hug: I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. If your partner doesn't want children but you do, maybe you should change partner? find someone who does want children and won't mind a mom at home gf/wife? because they are out there. Have you talked to your partner about how unhappy it makes you not to have a child with him?

    I'm really sorry that you're in a lot of pain. Death is not the solution though, I think communication and setting up goals for what you want should be in first place...I think that your happiness needs to come first, because if you're happy then the world around you is affected by it, your kids, your partner, everywhere...if your partner is making you unhappy, then maybe it's time for a change and find someone better who will make you happy...:hug:
     
  4. TheStruggle

    TheStruggle Active Member

    I'm sorry. I agree with morning rush. If it means a lot to you, you should be honest with your partner. If you do, he might understand, or he'll at least gain more perspective on the way you feel. I wish you luck. :)
     
  5. :'( sad

    :'( sad New Member

    I have talked to him about it and you are right he doesn't want more because he finds three a handful. I know its hard for people to understand but you just can't recreate that bond having a baby together brings for me and I know there are people out there who can't even have kids but I feel hurt so much. I found myself crying while taking my daughter home from dancing because everything she does that's the last time in my life I get to enjoy those things I won't ever get the joy of having a little one again nor will I get the joy of a baby and it just hurts so much its awful. I know most people would say I am nuts or something. That its not that bad but I feel horrible, I go to pick my daughter up from kinder and I am with a bunch of young mum's with babies I have nothing in common with. I just feel like there isn't much in life to look forward to I would love to share a pregnancy with my new partner but he doesn't want that. I just don't know how I am supposed to feel and I do feel like I should leave and just not bother with men at all I feel like I just can't be happy in a relationship. The only thing that stops me is my kids are happy with my new partner. I am just the one who needs more :(. I don't know what to do I feel like I can't change anything or make it better.
     
  6. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You really need to consider counseling and perhaps family counseling. Aside from the very obvious fact that things like this are usually things discussed before marriage if they are that high a priority , you really need to consider how it makes him feel that he is not good enough by himself and that is he does not have a child with you then you do not want him. You can't help the way they feel and you feel the way you do about it and that is what you have to deal with to find a way to be happy, but the statements about feeling worthless because he does not want to impregnate you pale in comparison to being told if you do not then I will not stay with you.

    The fact the reason for your relationship apparently is to have another baby is going to be hard for any person to deal with. To be honest i would be far more concerned were I you if he insisted your children were not good enough and that he had to have one of his own - it is a rare enough thing to find a respectable decent person to be in a relationship with, and add to that they are willing to treat and raise the children from a previous relationship as their own but that is not enough makes for a very high bar to go over. Your desire to create a special "bond" of a baby together seems to be having the opposite effect and forcing him into under threat of leaving is far more likely to have poor results for you and all the children, the three you have and the new baby should there be one. Perhaps with counseling you can resolve these issues together.
     
  7. Cat of Spades

    Cat of Spades Well-Known Member

    I'm very confused.

    You have children from a man.
    You divorced this man.
    Now you are with another man.
    This second man accepts you as a single mother and as a woman.
    Errrm, but you want to go back to the first one?
    Is the second one a bad person?
    Or did I misunderstand?

    Well, it doesn't matter. What matters is that you realize that everyone has their ups and downs, you must understand that life will try to get you down and you must strive to overcome these issues, not just for your children but also for your own sake as well. It is never too late to repair any issues that might be troubling you, just remember that as long as life exists, solutions are possible. Stay positive!
     
  8. :'( sad

    :'( sad New Member

    Its not that I don't want him if we don't have a child together its not having the bond that brings. Oh and I didn't leave my children's father he left me because he thought the grass was greener. I miss having that bond of having children together in a relationship and I don't think I can live my whole life without ever having that bond with my partner. I know it may offend people that it hurts me but it does. It's like I am not good enough to have a child with. If you don't get it or are offended don't post I hurt enough. I feel like I am a joke to men just something they can use no consequences. I have never been married men don't bother to marry me I just get used. I am nothing and I know it.
     
  9. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    It does not sound very much like this man is using you. He is choosing to be with you and parent three children who are not 'his responsibility'. The idea that you are 'not good enough to have a child with' is one you need to do away with; lots of instances here of perspectives that need challenging and this is definitely one. It seems instead that you are the one saying HE is not good enough unless you can have a child together - you can't feel bonded to him properly without that. The fact that you can conclude that this man's commitment to you and your existing children constitutes you being 'a joke' to him suggests you would definitely benefit from some counselling. Please do seek some help.
     
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