I have two more days to live

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SkyHigh, Jan 2, 2008.

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  1. SkyHigh

    SkyHigh Guest

    I made a promise to myself that I would put an end to my miserable existence. I strongly intend to keep that promise. I don't know why I picked that day, it was just random. I've been planning it for quite some time now. I even did some reasearch on how to do it 110% successufly. I must have read about 213 pages. I have so many reasons that I almost feel like I have no reason. But I can't forget that there is no meaning to live and there is nothing to gain from living because in the end, death is the reward for all the strugles and pains.

    I've thought about family reactions and it does hurt me, but they're strong willed. When my father died when I was 13, I was the only one to cry. I have always been the weak emotional one. I have no goals for the future and I see no hope for the future. Perhaps they were sad too secretly but they have the strength not to cry controlesly. They have material goals and they are happy with them and I am happy for them. My goal is to seek truth and I don't think the truth lies here. When we die, do we go and live with our creator? or do we simply become nothing? I want to know, I can't live without an answer.

    This feels like the best decision I have ever made in my whole entire life. Everything on this planet just seems to keep getting worse day by day. I don't want to stick around and watch the world crumble before my eyes. I don't want to be part of anything on this planet.

    People are scary, life is scary, for what reason need I put up with it?

    I think 4 years is long enough for trying to be happy. I can't be happy knowing what I know and seeing what I see. It bothers me to know that I'm just a fragment of someone's/something's creation which appears to have been abandoned.

    I'm 15 years old. I hate it when people say, it'll get better when your older. What are the chances of me knowing the purpose of human existence when I'm older? What are the chances of the world suddenly becoming more peaceful? What are the chances that humans won't simply die at some point of their existence? I don't live for material, I want to live for a true purpose. Without a perpouse...........I don't see why I should exist.
  2. patodemuerte

    patodemuerte Well-Known Member

    yeah man i completely fucking get that. I dont get it, I dont get what humans are trying to gain by "enriching themselves" in school, and careers, and their day to day lives. I dont get it. I cant see the point in living to work. In living to accept the standards society has set these days. I want answers, I want a reason to accept why I should go on like nothings wrong.

    I want to know why is it I should accept living as everyone else seems to have. What makes humans so special? Does no one see how everything is ruined. We ruined it by advancing, by making things complicated. Everythings so fucked up and no one else sees it. Its not the world war. its not world hunger. Its not that. Its the day to day lives that everyone claims to be important, without reason.

    I dont take pleasure in living to earn money for that new car or to feed my family. theres no importance in family. Nothing is important. Everything is so worthless. And i cant shake these thoughts. They are taking over. There's no reason. I cant accept life for what it is. You, my friend, are the only one i have ever seen who understands this a little. Thank you!

    Good luck on your journey and I hope to see you on the other side! I WILL be joining you by the end of 2008, of that I am SURE of.
  3. SkyHigh

    SkyHigh Guest

    wow, you too are the first person I have talked to who sees the errors that I see. Thanks for wishing me luck. Let's just hope that there is a meaning behind the curtains of the earth.
  4. Nocturnal Ponderer

    Nocturnal Ponderer Well-Known Member

    Hello skyhigh, and patodemuerte.

    skyhigh, I was suprised to see your age. I am nearly twice your age, and it has taken until about the last year or two for me to come to exactly the same conclusions as you. I feel exactly the same as you, and hold exactly the same opinions as you.

    However, if you were to have discovered these findings a little later in your life, you may have been able to cope with it better. 15 is very young to have such a cynical view. I am not suprised you feel as suicidal as you do.

    But may I talk you out of suicide in two days?

    Hang around. It sounds as if you are suffering from depression.

    I'll tell you a bit about me, and I'll tell you a little bit about my life and certain things I have realised to cope better with these profound thoughts.

    All my life I have been the odd one out. The thinker, the deep one searching for a truth. In many many ways I believe I have found the truth (for example, Christmas being run by retail, knowing people will feel guilty not buying presents, the whole thing being fake and greed orientated etc etc....). The only advice I can give to you is to stay true to these findings. Stay true to yourself. Hate materialism? Then do not particiate in it yourself. I know others doing so bothers you, as it does me, but then that in itself teaches you another lesson. Tolerance. It is amazing the power of tolerance.

    Up until recently I would have dismissed practically anybody. Now however, I give everybody a chance. I acknowledge that everybody has faults, but also attributes. Everybody has at least one good point. Some people are greedy, but ultimately loyal to the ones they love. Some people are shallow, but are not motivated by wanting to dominate others, instead seeing others as their equals. Give people a chance. Just because your own family seem cold, emotionless and materialistic, deosn't mean the entire human race is.

    Poeple like us are in a minority. Especially ones who think to our degree. But, I have delved very deeply into philosophy. Go here or here for possibly some of the deepest discussion you will ever see in regards to what you have been talking about.

    When you read through some of those threads, you will probably come to realise that absolute truth, and I mean absolute, to the point of purity, will not and cannot ever be known. Once it is believed to be discovered, it can be argued and counter argued and so therefore it can never be known. Nobody can say what it is, because it is entirely subjective and therfore false. Perhaps that was gods intention, and we just have to accept it. Accepting this fact will, trust me, eventually give you some peace that you can stop the frantic search. It is at this point in your journey that you will mellow somewhat and start to look inwards as to what makes you happy. You will find it. You will find a truer self and live accordingly. Although you may find it hard to meet a lot of like minded people. If you think too deep, depression does take over. Be aware of that, and you can start to let go. There is no answer.

    I work in solitude. I also work long night shifts, in solitude. For several years I thought this is what I wanted. Sure it provided me with much time to think deeply, like you, and reflect on life. This time was my saviour, AND my downfall, rolled into one. It has been a very painful time in my life, discovering myself and yes, I've been suicidal.

    However, finally, I have made the decision to stop my current job, which is fairly well paid too, and think about a more social job. Such as working in a big bookshop in town, or something like that. Out of every 50 people I meet, surely 1 will be on my wavelength and a friendship may be born. These strong friendships are what actually change you from the mode you're in now, to a happier brighter one.

    Please think twice. I am only telling you all I have told you because I so wholeheartedly recognise exactly where you are. I have been at the very same point, but slowly, I am climbing out. And, it is with more truth too. Before you feel a taste of heaven, you must first pass through hell.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 2, 2008
  5. SkyHigh

    SkyHigh Guest

    Don't assume that just because I shortened your post I did not read it all because I did, I'm just picking the things which are questionable.

    Perhaps I am depressed, but I don't think it's the reason for my decision. Sometimes people are labeled as depressed simply because they begin discovering how life has no meaning.

    I was not assuming that the whole race is cold and emotionless and I didn't even say my own family is, I said they are strong hearted. Either that or just pure blind. I have met many nice people and I know there are many on the planet but that's not my concern, it's not part of why I made this decision. Nice people can't tell me the meaning of life. I know I'm sounding rude now but I just want to try and make you understand what I mean.

    Is it not inevitable for humans to question their existence anyway?

    You say there is no answer? Who are you to say so though, just like all other humans your also a fragment of the creators creation. Maybe you meant that there is no answer here in the universe, if that, I agree with you. Which is why I'm going to take my life and see if we go anywhere else. If I simply disappear into nothing then I'm okay with that because it's a sign that there obviously is no meaning to life.

    Why must we pass through hell? I hate how everything 'just is' without reason.

    I don't believe in the god described by humans but there surely must be a creator.

    Everyone just eats what they're told without questioning. That bothers me a lot because it's as if they can't think for themselves anymore. And when people who can think for themselves come along they are just labeled as 'crazy' or 'weird'. How am I weird for thinking for myself? aren't you weird for thinking based on what you have heard and what everyone else believes?

    I don't expect people to be like me but they can at least accept different opinions.
  6. Nocturnal Ponderer

    Nocturnal Ponderer Well-Known Member

    That is what I meant yes. Of course, there does have to be an answer somewhere, because however the universe started, that is the answer. Whoever or whatever created it, that is the answer.
    But, when I said there is no answer, I simply meant we can't answer it. If we could, it would have been. As it has not, (despite what the christians will tell you) then there is no answer disposable to human beings.

    Perhaps, the 'no answer' is 'the' answer. Perhaps the answer is that there is no obtainable answer and that is what we have to learn to accept. I don't know. Thats the essence of all this, we just don't know. But nobody does, its not just you.

    As for being strong hearted, I personally disagree with you. I think to show emotion, to be the crier, to openly express despair is to be strong hearted. But that is my opinion. You're feeling. You're giving life meaning. You're interpereting life through your emptions and are not afraid to do so. YOU are the strong hearted one for allowing yourself to remain true to yourself. Kudos to you man!

    So that when things start to turn for the more fortunate, you have a bloody good measuring tool. You will not appreciate the good things, which will come, I assure you, if you have nothing to measure them by.
    All steel has to pass through the furnace to come out strong. All clay has to pass through the furnace to emerge hardened. If we go through our furnace, we emerge stronger.

    I completely agree with you. Much to my dismay too. Everybody follows one another, listening to whatever music is fashionable, rather than finding what they like. Wearing what everybody else does, for whatever reason. But there are thinkers out there. There are.

    Nope! What is weird? What is normal? You tell me. I actually love my mind. I have always loved the fact I think outside the box and do not join in for the sake of joining in. I do whatever I do because I have arrived at that decision through my thinking.
  7. SkyHigh

    SkyHigh Guest

    Well if there's no meaning then suicide should be a simple option as how many sugars you want in your tea.

    Weird is not following the crowd of society. Normal is what society says is normal. I think normal is thinking for oneself because you were born with your own brains. As long as your on earth there is only one definition that your expected to know for normal and weird and those are the definitions that society invented.

    If your going to seek for the word that describes what is truly normal then you would have to invent it yourself.

    I probably made no sense there but I know what I mean in my head, just can't put it in words.

    When you say to get 'heaven' you mean happiness on earth right? because if you do then I'm just going to ask, what is happiness?

    The definition of happiness in my little world is knowing the truth of everything instead of just living blind folded.

    Your definition seems to be the one on earth where you get your most desired materials and find the one you will love most.

    To me that's not happiness, that is still blind folded living. To me happiness is truth. Maybe that's why I don't feel like I belong to this planet.

    If only I was born stupid then maybe I would have managed to live blind folded. But no I had to be the kind who wants to see and know. But I guess I'm happy to have been able to take off the blind fold, sadly I still face darkness. The answer must surely be on the other side.
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2008
  8. ithuriel

    ithuriel Well-Known Member

    personally i hope you do not kill yourself , life can at times be terrible but there are times too when we can have such happy moments they can make up for it.:smile:
    as for the human race , if you watch the news and read newspapers etc., all they do most of the time is give you the negative aspects of life because it sells , tragedy and hurt sell. not because we like it but even after all this time it can and does still shock us.
    i prefer to concentrate on the large proportion of poeple who are kind and as you say are strong enough to get by. i doubt they never cry though , maybe like me they do not cry in public.
    as for meaning , i live , i am here so i will do my best to help others and enjoy the moment. the universe put me here so the universe can put up with me even though my brain is trying to kill me lately.maybe it is trying to return the favour from when i was in my late teens and kept trying to pickle it in alcohol.
    a good reason for living too , at your age is the fact that you may get very lucky and meet a person who will change your whole life in a few years time.
    it may sound like a stupid reason but if you let it happen it will not sound quite so stupid:smile:
    in the end though it is your decision and yours alone but you have barely started your life , maybe you should give yourself at least until you are twenty until you make a decision to end it forever.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 2, 2008
  9. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    Do you have any goals? Life is all about having something to look forward to. When your only 15, if you have something, ANYTHING you want to achieve its worth hanging on for. Achieving shit is the best feeling ever.

    If I get to 50 and have not done what I want, I'll off myself for sure. But at 15 .. man, there must be some dream, no matter how out there and crazy you want to fulfill?
  10. betty

    betty New Member

    Hold on Skyhigh for awhile. Just don't ask questions, hold on. Jeez, you are 15......give life a chance. Sometimes life is hard and sometimes it is easy.
    My cat Betty also thinks you should stay around, she thinks you are cool.
  11. betty

    betty New Member

  12. Nocturnal Ponderer

    Nocturnal Ponderer Well-Known Member

    I see what you are saying.
    Please be aware that the ultimate freedom is choice. Therefore, you choose what normal is. You choose what weird is. Fuck society. Society is flawed anyway. What really matters is how you see the world. What really matters is what emphasis you put onto the concepts of weird and normal. And concepts they are, thats all. As the majority of people are robotic thoughtless sheep (figuratively speaking), it is no suprise that the majority will also go along whatever concepts are spoonfed to them. Just the same as most people will all react the same to certain things. This is called prejudice. To prejudge is to recall, through social conditioning, an automatic reaction without independant though, characterised by fear and ignorance.
    Yes it is scary that most people will act in accordance with automatic responses to certain things, but todays world is not as scary as medievil times when you could be burnt at the stake for refusing to believe in Jesus Christ.

    Above, I have quoted you. I have highlighted a word in red. The reason I have done so is because I want to talk about it. You say 'expected'. What exactly is expectation? I'll tell you what it is. It is the anticipation of certain events. But by whom? Them. Who are they? Society. What does society matter to you?
    Above I said that the ultimate freedom is choice. You choose. You decide. You make up your mind.
    People cannot expect anything from you. Nobody can do anything about it if if you fail to meet their expectations. Just because you are not doing something that they expect you to, doesn't mean you're wrong. It means you're strong.

    Yes I do mean that. I personally do not believe in another place called heaven. I believe that is a man made concept to cushion the notion that there is nothing after we die.
    Happiness is to be at ease and content with who you are, where you are, and is the result of truly loving and respecting yourself. There is, in my opinion, a conponent of happiness which does rely on truth. To be deludedly happy, for example, being in a fantasy comfort zone, is not true happiness. This is a false state created in your mind through self delusion which is not truth. So, once the comfort zone is shattered, and you're exposed to your fears and you come through them, then truth is staring you in the face. From there I firmly believe the path to true happiness can begin.

    No, you have me completely out of context. I definitely do not believe that happiness lay in materialism or romantic love.
    Both do bring a temporary happiness, but it is always a short lived and false happiness.

    So am I my friend. But you know what? after years of feeling like you, I feel more at ease with being way more curious, serious and profound than most people I know. You learn how to be a little more light hearted, almost out of necessity really. But at fifteen years old, believe me, you may not have even met your lifelong best friend yet. Something may well happen very soon which will rock your world for the better. You may meet somebody in real life who feels exactly like you. This will ease things a bit as it will give you somebody to share it with.

    Just one last thing, I believe some of this has stemmed from you grieving over your father. I have grieved the loss of a few things, quite deeply at times too, and grief always brings out deep feelings and thoughts of who you are, where you're going, what life is and so on. Give yourself more time.
    The teenage years are very difficult anyway because your body is changing. Hormones change which affect your mood. But after a couple of years things settle down. I remember my darkest years were between age fourteen and seventeen.

    Remember, feelings are temporary, suicide is not.
  13. gag

    gag Well-Known Member

    Man your family may be strong willed, but I guarantee they were hurting lots when your dad passed away.

    If the 15 year old in any family dies just a few years after the father of that family dies, the family is going to be is total crisis.

    You're just young man, and from what I've learned the teenage years are the worst years of your life. Think of all the things you'll miss out on, this will probably get better down the line man.
  14. saint6

    saint6 Well-Known Member

    i to am only 15 and i am waiting for the day, the day for everything to get better, but it never came, and it never will.
    i love that phrase you used
    "I want to live for a true purpose. Without a perpouse...........I don't see why I should exist."
    its great:biggrin:

    society isnt all that it is made out to be, they tell us everything is okay, but is it? people need to open their eyes and see that it isnt okay, that we are surrounded with lies and bullshit.

    well stay strong skyhigh, and if u ever need to talk just pm me.
  15. SkyHigh

    SkyHigh Guest

    I think my decision is final. I don't see any light anymore. Nothing on earth intrests me anymore because none of it has meaning.
  16. aqaq22

    aqaq22 Well-Known Member

    The fact that you are alive SkyHigh, there is meaning in that. It is a very painful, and scary thing to not be a able to see that, or understand that, or believe that yet (I know from experience), but it is true.

    No. It means that the loss you felt was so very, very real. It was a very important loss. Loss is one of the most painful things us human-beings ever experience in this life, and, unfortunately, you've had to experience it a young age, and in a big way. I'm 49, I never really cried when I lost my dad, I don't know why. But, when we had a miscarraige with our child, I wept the loss as I never knew I was capable of feelin' that kind of loss. It doesn't make you weak, it makes you aware of what you've lost.

    stop the presses!! You're a wonderful person!! You're human!! It's so refreshing to hear this (and so rare, it seems)!!:smile::smile:

    Try not to think about this SkyHigh, It always has been, it always will be. My problems are not the world's problems. I can only solve what I can solve. Don't worry about the whole world. It's too much for any of us to handle. You're in good company there.

    IMHO...the chances of you finding purpose, when you are older, are, in fact, excellent. How do I know this? Because you are questioning it. These questions you are askin', SkyHigh. No easy questions these are, no sir. But, the fact that you ask them, I know, I just know, that you will find the "path" that leads you to an "acceptable" place for yourself. It's not easy these questions. But, there are ways of dealin' with them. And, to my mind, imho, and this is comin' from an old fart who sees myself in you, there is every reason to believe you are going to find your way in life. I'll go ahead and just say it...hang in there, and you will find your way. I know you are a STRONG person. Trust me on that one.:smile: You're strong SkyHigh.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 3, 2008
  17. aqaq22

    aqaq22 Well-Known Member

    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 3, 2008
  18. aqaq22

    aqaq22 Well-Known Member

    That's true. And if you don't have it at 15, no worries!!:smile:

    That's the beauty of 15 years old. You don't have to know yet.

    How many of us know/knew at 15 where we'd be, or what we'd ultimately want to achieve!! :smile::smile:
  19. Nocturnal Ponderer

    Nocturnal Ponderer Well-Known Member

    At 15 I was yet to do my first ever days work. I had yet to lose my virginity. I think I got drunk for the first time at 15. I had yet to discover the joy of passing my driving test. The internet was not available for general use like this, in peoples house. I think the concept of world wide web was literally just discovered. Nobody had mobile phones.

    In the space of just 13 years I am a totally different and much stronger and experienced person than I was when I was 15. Just looking back at all the ups and downs of the rollercoaster ride of life gives me such fluttery feelings of all I have to experience in the next 13. And I'll still only be 41!

    Believe me, you will have so many awesome things happen to you. Just believe us. You sound chronically depressed, you really do. I know you say that that label is given to anybody who is discovering that life has no meaning. But I am not lableling you as depressed for that. I am labelling you as depressed because people who are not depressed do not post on public forums, in full view, that they are going to kill themselves in two days, at age 15. That is a sign of true depression. The irony is, in your search for truth, it is manifesting something true, but it is the very thing pulling you down.

    Just ride it out for a bit and don't make so many quick assumptions. We all have bad periods, some last minutes, some last a few years, but they always pass. Always. You may feel you'll be stuck in this spiral of negativity forever, but trust me, you won't. There is one person who can pull you out of it too, and that is you. Yes , you. You have enormous power and influence over the way you feel.

    Somebody posted earlier that the death of a 15 year old in a family will completely shatter them. On top of the death of your father, that is completely true. Don't do it.
  20. SkyHigh

    SkyHigh Guest

    They don't think about my father at all. It's been two years. Sooner or later they'll forget me too.

    I've had some happy times in my life and I still do sometimes but what bothers me is the lack of meaning.
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