My suicidal thoughts are a big secret, even from myself. I have my word processor so that I can page down if my Dad comes into the room. I am sleeping more than 12 hours per day (up to 20 hours per day in the late ’90s). For 14 years I have been using Buddhism as a gradual suicide method, thinking Nirvana was going to sleep and not waking up again. A monk once smiled and said to me “It doesn’t happen like that” I have the thought that if stress gets too intense I can always lose consciousness. I haven’t made a commitment to live unconditionally. When people say I am useless I believe them. I think the world would be a better place if I’d never been born. I have guilty flashbacks one after another. I can understand the statement people make that they feel “too guilty to go on”. I have rung Lifeline many times in the past but I never talked about suicide with them. They are usually engaged during the middle of the night. I am numb about the fact that I am actually suicidal. I thought people were only suicidal if they had an immediate physical method. Thanks for listening / dhammapal.