I haven’t made a commitment to live unconditionally

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dhammapal, Feb 21, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. dhammapal

    dhammapal Active Member

    My suicidal thoughts are a big secret, even from myself. I have my word processor so that I can page down if my Dad comes into the room.

    I am sleeping more than 12 hours per day (up to 20 hours per day in the late ’90s).

    For 14 years I have been using Buddhism as a gradual suicide method, thinking Nirvana was going to sleep and not waking up again. A monk once smiled and said to me “It doesn’t happen like that”

    I have the thought that if stress gets too intense I can always lose consciousness.

    I haven’t made a commitment to live unconditionally.

    When people say I am useless I believe them.

    I think the world would be a better place if I’d never been born. I have guilty flashbacks one after another. I can understand the statement people make that they feel “too guilty to go on”.

    I have rung Lifeline many times in the past but I never talked about suicide with them. They are usually engaged during the middle of the night.

    I am numb about the fact that I am actually suicidal. I thought people were only suicidal if they had an immediate physical method.

    Thanks for listening / dhammapal.
     
  2. hmm. I don't understand where your sadness stems from. But hopefully you overcome it. It's no fun being depressed.
     
  3. dhammapal

    dhammapal Active Member

    I don’t have any investment in the future. I am horrified at the idea of having a 5-year-old child relying on and looking to me for support which would be an obstacle to suicide.

    When I quit my job in 1994 aged 23 one of my colleagues said that I was “retiring”. Since 1998 I have been on a disability pension which is similar to the old age pension.

    I am just hoping to maintain the status quo. I live with my aging parents without whom I would be helpless. I just try to make good karma while I can by researching for my Buddhist Yahoo Groups. I donate to Buddhist websites from my income which my parents can’t complain except to question my expectations of whether I am serious about becoming financially independent or secretly plan to stay on welfare and family support for the rest of my life.

    That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.
     
  4. zusanna

    zusanna Active Member

    i really wish i could give you a big big hug right now.

    i know what you mean about wanting to sleep everything away. let me ask you something.. what do you do for hobbies? do you ever make art?
     
  5. Jodi

    Jodi Staff Alumni

    dhammapal,

    sorry things are so tight financially....I think many people could problably relate to that....have you looked into programs in your area that help parents with young children....I dont know where your at....but just was wondering??....keepus posted....do hope your feelings of depression lift a little.....take care.....-Jodi
     
  6. dhammapal

    dhammapal Active Member

    :smile:
    I need to create something to look forward to. When I go to sleep at night I literally “fall” asleep as if it was final peace. It is disappointing to wake up in the morning. I never smile when I wake up in the morning. I check my email then go back to bed again.

    Actually I do attend an art class on Wednesday mornings at Mental Health Rehab (I suffer from bipolar). I like drawing visualizations of miraculous wealth, love and peace. (We have a great volunteer art teacher who is on a cruise at the moment.)

    I’m an advanced student of Buddhism. Now that I think about it, my Buddhist readings are mostly “heavy reading” but it is a relief for the truth about suffering to at last be said.

    As I said, I need to have something to look forward to. If you don’t mind I’d like to post here regularly as a support. March is always the toughest time for me.

    Thanks for listening / dhammapal
     
  7. zusanna

    zusanna Active Member

    why is march a tough time for you? my birthday is at the end of march and i always feel disappointed. i never do anything. this month i turn 21 and i will probably go to a bar alone and drink myself to death. woot!

    well it definitely sounds like you have some really good interests. i don't do much with my life. i have a laptop and i drink a lot. i REALLY need a hobby.

    the thing that is keeping me alive right now is having a goal. right now my goal is in june when my friend and i are going to go on vacation. looking forward to that gives me a reason to hold out.
     
  8. dhammapal

    dhammapal Active Member

    An excuse for lying in bed a lot has been that no-one seeks out my company, that I don’t belong and have been humiliated by the world. Charities don’t have time for me, with the exception of finding the time to bank mya donation check.

    I have no God to pray to, so that I am a casualty of what goes through my mind.

    I fell in love in 1995 (unrequited) and if she rings me I will feel like saying that
    I didn’t know that hell has frozen over. I was stupid to give my heart to a stranger.

    Thanks for letting me vent. I hope I’m not contagious.

    dhammapal.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 27, 2007
  9. Jodi

    Jodi Staff Alumni

    dhammapal,


    Just want you to know you please feel free to vent away....thats what we're here for....your not contagious....you are a person who's hurting and needs a little help....we all do....Im sorry your heart was broken.....love is dangeroous...look forward to hearing more from you....take good care...be thinking of you...-Jodi
     
  10. zusanna

    zusanna Active Member

    if you need someone to talk to, i'm online a lot. you can PM me whenever. maybe it'd be better than posting in here, who knows.
     
  11. dhammapal

    dhammapal Active Member

    I had a close call today. I almost tried to board a train when the doors were about to close (I move slowly). Fortunately I remembered the official advice not to attempt to board a train after the whistle blows (especially the second time). Maybe the support I get here not to do anything stupid helped too.

    My case manager was at the art class and asked me how I was going. She offered to give me some time. I said I was a bit depressed maybe the time of year. I didn’t mention that I was posting to a suicide forum. I badly want to avoid having shock treatment. I am eating and drinking well which if you aren’t is the criteria for having ECT .

    Last night I had trouble breathing. I was forgetting to breathe. Breathing through my mouth helped. I slept well.

    I always get better for my birthday on April 24th. Something to look forward to.

    I’ve never wanted to drink alcohol (Buddhist in a past life?) or smoke or drugs. (Although my Buddhist teacher didn’t like the psychiatric medication idea either).

    So this is good news to share with you.

    Thanks for listening / dhammapal.
     
  12. Jodi

    Jodi Staff Alumni

    dhammapal,

    always good to have a positive outcome.....thanks for sharing....glad you have something to look forward too.....keep that...and we're always here for you....
     
  13. zusanna

    zusanna Active Member

    shock treatment? i didn't know it was a common thing for people to undergo that. that really surprises me..
    glad you are doing better. i think there's hope for all of us. :smile:
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.