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I haven't been doing so good lately.

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#1
My life has been rough.
I don't even know how i can get into it all.
I've struggled with chronic depression for uhm....over 10 years now. I had moments where I was less depressed than others. But I've never been in a 'good' space for more than a week or two, save for a few months when I had a manic attack and disocveered I was bi polar.
a lot of my depression baseline is basically feeling just...really numb. I woudln't really say I'm crying everynight because I just don't feel the emotions.
Last year was a really rough year for me. I took a huge risk in an attempt to better my life by taking on a new job. My job had been at the same company, bagging grocery, for like 6 years. But because ofthe nature of the job and how it was in an active grocery mart, with tons of sights and sounds, I eventually was only able to work a single shift a week because I had severe anxiety attacks from sensory overload, not to mention that when my depression would act up in the way where I start feeling things, the free time my mind had while bagging groceries resulted in me just crying and crying and having to leave. I spent every week recovering from my one shift because of the emotional toll. I knew that if I tried to get a new job, though, things could always end up worse. But I decided to take a risk.
And it ended up backfiring. Everything seemed good at first, but then my boss started accusing meof things, like of trying to publicly humilatie her. I have trouble with social skills, so I'm not always sure whtat to say or whats appropriate or anything. When she repirmended me with things she thought i did 'wrong', such as trying to embarass her in front of employees by calling her out (when really i was just wondering what i could work on betteR??? and even todl her so after the event but i gues she didn't belive me) and of being passive agressive i was ujust....to fucking terrifeid to correct her and make things worse. so i just signed the sheet and hoped things would get better but they didn't. I went into that job thinking I was good at frosting. That I could handle doing some basic tasks. That I could be efficient. But after the way she would incesssently point out any thing i did wrong, even when i htought i was doing good....it destroyed me. Any self faith i had was gone. And I feel so dumb for never noticing before that im' so incredibly incompetent. I ended up leaivng because I was experiencing suicidal ideation and she was making it worse.
The first time i ever had to go to an emermgecy crisis center because the night before, I had to literally restrain myself and struggle to not end my own life <mod edit - methods> because i felt so completely and utterly worthless and inept due to the way my boss had talked to me that day. i've been unemployed since the end of january now. i alreayd knew that with my disabilties and my limiations, any kind of employment that wasn't counter to my disabilties and mental health was going to be difficult to get. now it feels like i have absoujltely 0 hope of ever being able to find a job because i can't even do basic things such as cleaning correctly, no matter how hard i had tried. i can't make the kind of progress that is needed for a corporate world. and the thought of even ATEMPTING to see if a job might work out well is so anxiety inducing i can't even think about it. the fear of ending up with a boss who targets me and makes me feel like utter shit again is too much. i'm not strong enough to handle it.
I don't even know if it's worth trying (again) to get on disability. I've been denied twice. I dont trust myself to be able to word things in a way that is desired and with ADHD, the paperwork ALONE is an unsurmountable obstacle. i don't know how to go about seeking help filling it out. i can't afford any lawyers. the thought of having to lay bare all the things that are wrong with me, things such as having to struggle just to get myself to shower regularly and do laundry, how i get in physical pain after doing basic tasks, how i struggle to make and or keep connections because of AvPD, my social ineptude being something that can lead to misunderstandings that lead to soured relationships with bosses or coworkers.... all these and other things that create a huge barrier to the working world, it just is so fucking overwhleming and i dont think i have it in me to be able to put it all down by myself, nor do i think would the sheets even have enough space for me to write them. and i probably would just get denied a third time anyways.

and even if i'm accepted, is living on SSDI my whole life a life really WORTH livign???do i WANT that to be my life? To be kept in basically poverty? what happens if i findlaly find medication that makes me somewhat more functional and they then take the SSDI awawy but I still can't work enough to live off of without it being a severe danger to my health??

ANd now i'm struggling with the death of my aunt recently. I dont havce a big suppor tnetwork. I have 2 close friends, neither of which live in my state, I have my brother and my sister, anbd I have my father. Outside that, I have my Uncle , my 3 cousins, and I had my Aunt. She was the closest thing i had to a mother. We lost her in the beggining of May.
I've just been doing so bad this year. I had been going to partial program at the hospital, and it actually got me to an okay place! But after I left, everything kinda just crumbled away. resources i was given that i thought would help me ended up falling thourgh. i lost the small sense of hope that i was given that i wasn't alone in everything and i ahd support. i started doing a larger day treatment program, but i failed to get any sense from there that they could support me to the level i needed. and i just started being suciidal again. i'd spend every lunch period crying by myself in an empty room because i was su hungry but i had no energy to cook, no energy to go gorcery shopping, and no money to buy already made meals available to me. all i craved was french fries, it was all i could get myself to eat. so i just cried out of how hungry i was and how tired i was and how it seemed unfair they didn't let me sleep the half hour away because then i at least wouldn't have to smell other peoples food or wathc hthem eat as I was sitting around starving but unable to eat.
i'm on medicine, ive been on like 7+ medicines for like over 5 years, probably longer. they don't do mcuh for me. i'm still depressed. i've tried all different anti-depressents. they barely worked and many had bad side effects i couldn't handle.
This year, I started self harming. It was the only thing i could do to cope with the grief and depression and self hatred i'm struggling with. Last night, I got so enfuriated with my own incompetence to perform very basic, easy instruted tasks. I had 3 chances to do it right, all 3 i failed. And I was out 7 bucks. I dont have an income, so that's big for me. I just got so angry with myself and so furious that I'm so basically inept that I just started cutting myself as a way to punish myself. Because this happens all the time, i ALWAYS think "hey this seems simlpe and has instructions that are easy to udnerstand! I can do this!" but then i just fuck it up and I need to punish myself for being dumb and thinking that I could do something when i know from past experience that i just can't do basic tasks. and i was now out 10 bucks because of it.
I just hate myself so much. It was 12 am, so i couldn't talk to anyhting in the house anyways and it's not like I would bnecause I don't want to be anymore of a burden on peopel than i already am. My case coordinator from my day program gave me the number a bit ago so I could call it if i was having a mental health emergency and it was late and so i was alone. I decided to call it.
I felt even more alone after. All they did was tell me to go to the ER. And offer to have an ambulence sent to take me there. They didn't want to hear why I was upset, or anything. So I just told them to forget I even called, I'll be fine, I won't off myself. ANd I hung up. And I felt even worse and even more alone.
I just don't know what to do. I've been struggling with depression for so long and nothing's worked. And it's gotten worse since 2019. I don't seen an end in sight and all the small moments of joy i have and good moments are just so vastly outweighted by the bad it just...its really hard to tell myself it's worth sticking around just for those breadcrumbs. Its hard to tell myself its worth sticking because amybe one day i'll be better when I have like 10 years to look back on with failed medication and the thought of living like this for 5 more years is so exhaustingand i really really don't want to do it. i'm solely supported tright now by my dad, financially. He lets me live rent free in my our house. he pays all my expenses. when he passes on, I'll be left in the dust. I can not support myself. i dont think iwant to be alive to live to see him pass away. He'd be so much better off if he didn't have my being a burden on him financialy. eveyrone would be so much better off because they wouldn't have to worry about me anymore. and they'd be sad for a little while but they'd get over it and life would move on.
i'm just so torn. I dont evne know how to end this. theres so much i didn't even touch on. i don't know what to do. i'm to fucking afraid of opening myself up and taking risks to make any sort of support system. i have so lilttle faith in the insintautions that are supposed to be there to help me because they've showed me before that they can't help me. i don't know what to do.
 
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JDot

1 Peter 5:7
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#2
Hi @kelpieiope I related to a lot of the things you said. I'm also supported financially by my father. A little over a year ago, I had a job where my boss made a big deal over the smallest things. A lot of the things he made a big deal over didn't even make any sense. I quit and I haven't been employed since. I feel like I can't do the smallest tasks. I rarely do things like shower. I'm decided to go to school and work on my masters. I'm not doing very well.
SF has helped me a lot since I've been here. It helps me feel less alone. And it gives me a place to share my feelings with others who understand. I'm glad you found SF. I hope it helps you out. You'll always have a place here to share your thoughts and feelings. We're here for you. And we're glad to have you here.
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#3
Hi 👋 @kelpieiope : ) !

I think you have a great way of expressing yourself, and your interpretation of your story — or the way in which you articulate it — is very commendable & something with which, I believe many on here can relate (myself included, to a certain extent...)

Some suggestions I’d have for you are: and that’s all they are; suggestions, because I am here - & like you - in or have been in a similar place (that is to say, I am no better or worse than you... We’re all “equals” here in the ‘SF,’ family no matter what in my book!).

Now that that religious sermon is out of the way from someone who has had no religion in their upbringing. . ; ) // I’ll continue: is there some one who can help you fill out the paperwork for disability? An advocate of sorts, if a lawyer is out of the question? Could you ask your Case Worker for help, or to make a suggestion that might point you in the right direction?

What kind of work would you guess might be best, given your current condition? It sounds like, if cleaning is out of the question, and you don’t like dealing with bosses on a day-to-day basis, that that might be one set of criteria to use as you begin your next hunt! In the absence of that — how about some volunteer work? Now I know that it does not provide a steady income (well no income really); but it’s one of those gigs where - what you’re paid in is actually in my opinion something far better: confidence, which derives itself from acts of altruism & being wanted / needed / helping others, etc. And if you can find a cause that is worthy of your time, and as an added bonus, something you’ve got a personal interest it: animal shelter; food bank, whatever — that will make it all the better!

Try not to look too far ahead. Focus on the task at hand, what’s right in front of you. Especially with all of our conditions, it isn’t good to think 5 years out, or anything like that, because with our thinking, we can turn any potentially good thing upside down. For instance, you mentioned fearing that even if you were to qualify for assistance of disability—if & when you got better would you lose it? The honest answer is I don’t know: but it’s something you could ask, and then find out... I do know that around t he area where I live, there are many group homes that house residents in what’s known as, “Adult Foster Care.” So you’re living there with say four people , all with mental health issues. And while it may or may not be a requirement to be on disability to get in (or enrolled let’s say...) I do know some who have gotten off it and then continued to stay in the program — say if they’d gotten a full time job, or what have you. In any event, I don’t know if that’s something that’s available to you, or if you’d even be interested. But I’ll tell you this: number one, like an assisted living tacitly, nobody is ever happy to be there (some of the people have been committed there by a judge). That said, I’ve seen first hand the positive interactions that can occur when being around others, who are faced with the struggles of similar or like and relatable issues (& it’s the full range of diagnoses there - they don’t discriminate - I’ve seen people there with stories that on paper sound a million times worse than yours - & yet they’ve managed to thrive, in spite of al this...). So if you are craving human contact &/or communication, maybe something like that could be an appropriate option. You’ve also got the relationships you build and develop with staff. Which is generally some thing of a highlight for many there. Somebody taking a personal interest in your story and your care and that you sometimes get to see virtually every day (or so it seems!). :)

sounds like you’ve got a great 👍 Dad! Glad for you. In short, which this has been anything but, it can be done ✅ you living a meaningful and prosperous life. So don’t give up, just yet. Wait it out. Try a few things. Experiment. Expand your horizons. And if that doesn’t work, or if at any point along the way you feel unsure of your self; you’ve always go t us, or this place - to help support and guide you through. :D
 
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