I used to post here a few years ago and I left. My life has only gotten more frustrating. There is no way for me to explain it all here, but I am so sad and broken and I can't take much more. I've cut nearly everyone out of my life. I can't talk to people or be around people anymore. I feel like a disgusting monster and I can't handle it. Everyone makes me uncomfortable. I don't even really miss social interaction and it's a little alarming. Even minor things cause meltdowns. I live alone in a bed bug infested apartment (I've been fighting about this with my landlord for a year). They've exterminated three times and they're about to exterminate a fourth. It's pointless because they need to treat the whole building and they aren't doing that. I can't move. I'm terrified of my neighbor, who has threatened me on several occasions and yelled really vile things at me. I've never talked to him or done anything to him, but he would scream obscenities at my door and such. I recorded him doing that and I reported him several times. His behavior is better now but he still lives across the hall from me and I'm scared. The backstory to this is that five years ago I had a complete mental and physical breakdown. I got physically sick and couldn't work regularly, and the stress and poverty culminated in my brain "snapping" and I ended up on disability. My physical state has become much worse over the past year and a half. I was actually physically healthy in 2012 and some things happened and I'm in constant pain and discomfort. Anyway, I'm in subsidized housing, and it typically takes five years to get a new place, and I can't be bothered. I can't even imagine being alive in five years, let alone maintaining my position on several housing lists. I have no family to speak of. I was planning to move to be nearer to some relatives abroad, but I don't know them that well to be honest and I was scared they would hate me or judge me. I was also worried about other family members finding out things about me. I have a very abusive older brother who refuses to leave me alone. I can't have him know my address or what's going on in my life. I don't have any furniture except a tiny loveseat I'm afraid to sit on (because of bed bugs), and I lie down on the floor in pain all day. I started drinking heavily about a year ago. I do regret that and I've stopped. Honestly, if I could get a psychiatrist to prescribe any kind of anti-anxiety medication, I wouldn't drink at all. But no, they won't do that. If I were confident I would just say "Oh? I guess I'll just drink then" but then they'd try to put me in detox, which is stupid. I don't need detox. But I don't need to drink either. I don't know if I want to go to meetings or anything like that, but maybe. Speaking of stupid, I stopped taking my psych meds recently. I hate my psychiatrist. She's rude and condescending and she dismisses everything I say. She only had me on a low dose of Effexor with Wellbutrin. The main problem I've had since I stopped taking these meds is that I constantly think about dying. My 18-year-old cat died in March and I can't get over it. I just can't. I cry every day and I know it's ridiculous. I have a new cat, but it's not the same. I'm really alone, though. I sometimes get out and do some activities with a group, but even that is very difficult. I gained a lot of weight because of a med change, excessive drinking, bad eating habits, and I can't exercise much because of health issues. I was quite fit back in 2012, but that's gone. I was a fat kid and I was really badly bullied (worse than anyone I've ever heard of) and my father HATES fat women and would scream at me when I was a kid, so my sudden weight gain triggered a pretty bad depressive episode. It started when I went on Abilify and then got injured. I really want to exercise again but I also have dysautonomia and arthritis and so it's difficult to do anything that will help me lose weight. I'm supposed to go to physical therapy for a couple of things, but I've been putting it off. I'm just so sad and broken and I don't see any hope for my future at all. I've never had much self-esteem, but it's at an all-time low.