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I haven't posted here in a long time

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by raincloud, Aug 2, 2014.

  1. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    I used to post here a few years ago and I left. My life has only gotten more frustrating. There is no way for me to explain it all here, but I am so sad and broken and I can't take much more. I've cut nearly everyone out of my life. I can't talk to people or be around people anymore. I feel like a disgusting monster and I can't handle it. Everyone makes me uncomfortable. I don't even really miss social interaction and it's a little alarming.

    Even minor things cause meltdowns. I live alone in a bed bug infested apartment (I've been fighting about this with my landlord for a year). They've exterminated three times and they're about to exterminate a fourth. It's pointless because they need to treat the whole building and they aren't doing that. I can't move. I'm terrified of my neighbor, who has threatened me on several occasions and yelled really vile things at me. I've never talked to him or done anything to him, but he would scream obscenities at my door and such. I recorded him doing that and I reported him several times. His behavior is better now but he still lives across the hall from me and I'm scared. The backstory to this is that five years ago I had a complete mental and physical breakdown. I got physically sick and couldn't work regularly, and the stress and poverty culminated in my brain "snapping" and I ended up on disability. My physical state has become much worse over the past year and a half. I was actually physically healthy in 2012 and some things happened and I'm in constant pain and discomfort. Anyway, I'm in subsidized housing, and it typically takes five years to get a new place, and I can't be bothered. I can't even imagine being alive in five years, let alone maintaining my position on several housing lists.

    I have no family to speak of. I was planning to move to be nearer to some relatives abroad, but I don't know them that well to be honest and I was scared they would hate me or judge me. I was also worried about other family members finding out things about me. I have a very abusive older brother who refuses to leave me alone. I can't have him know my address or what's going on in my life.

    I don't have any furniture except a tiny loveseat I'm afraid to sit on (because of bed bugs), and I lie down on the floor in pain all day.

    I started drinking heavily about a year ago. I do regret that and I've stopped. Honestly, if I could get a psychiatrist to prescribe any kind of anti-anxiety medication, I wouldn't drink at all. But no, they won't do that. If I were confident I would just say "Oh? I guess I'll just drink then" but then they'd try to put me in detox, which is stupid. I don't need detox. But I don't need to drink either. I don't know if I want to go to meetings or anything like that, but maybe.

    Speaking of stupid, I stopped taking my psych meds recently. I hate my psychiatrist. She's rude and condescending and she dismisses everything I say. She only had me on a low dose of Effexor with Wellbutrin.

    The main problem I've had since I stopped taking these meds is that I constantly think about dying.

    My 18-year-old cat died in March and I can't get over it. I just can't. I cry every day and I know it's ridiculous. I have a new cat, but it's not the same.

    I'm really alone, though. I sometimes get out and do some activities with a group, but even that is very difficult.

    I gained a lot of weight because of a med change, excessive drinking, bad eating habits, and I can't exercise much because of health issues. I was quite fit back in 2012, but that's gone. I was a fat kid and I was really badly bullied (worse than anyone I've ever heard of) and my father HATES fat women and would scream at me when I was a kid, so my sudden weight gain triggered a pretty bad depressive episode. It started when I went on Abilify and then got injured. I really want to exercise again but I also have dysautonomia and arthritis and so it's difficult to do anything that will help me lose weight. I'm supposed to go to physical therapy for a couple of things, but I've been putting it off.

    I'm just so sad and broken and I don't see any hope for my future at all. I've never had much self-esteem, but it's at an all-time low.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry for the loss of your precious pet i do hope in time the new cat will bring you some comfort With regards to bed bugs go to hardware store and by a can of raid for bedbugs it is and just spray your love seat and bed and rails around it and whatever else you use it works If you do not like your pdoc then you request to be transfered to a new pdoc one that cares and will listen.

    effexor is for anxiety so don't stop taking that or the wellbutrin it actually helps you to lose weight the wellbutrin does

    I hope talking here makes you feel less alone ok just want you to know i hear you hugs
  3. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Omg. Bedbugs are the worst critters on earth! I rather deal with a house crawling alive with rats or cockroaches than ever deal with bedbugs again. It mentally beat me down when my workplace got infestation bad at the houses we were in charge of. Took 3 full years to completely get rid of them full. So many professional sprayings, laundromat runs, tossing stuff out in despeerate bid of getting rid of every single buggers

    I could not stop itching for few years it mentally got to me. I got bit too many times im one of those people that react to bedbug bites. Tho not bad like my 2 coworkers who had to be hospitalized w swollen neck and legs.

    No one knows what it is like to deal with those evil things Until they have to deal w full blown infestation First hand . Hope the apartment all residents cooperate and follow directions to the T. And get it all gone asap. your sanity will start to come back.

    Sorry about the loss of your cat. Nothing will replace the hole in your heart but a new cat comes with a new personality and you can grow to love again. The old one still will always hold a special place in your heart. Its not a replacement but a new beginning.

    Sorry about the health issues and weight issue. I am reading that diet is 80% key to weight loss and excerise is only 20%.

    Why not make small changes in your diet and maybe you can start to feel better? It doesnt have to be overnite thing. Just like drinking a glass of water instead of juice during one meal one day at a time changing it up little bit
  4. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    I never would have thought that a bedbug infestation would be so traumatic. I've had a lot of trauma in my life, and this is one of the most frustrating things that's ever happened to me. I am pretty sure that I successfully got rid of them after the second extermination, but they came back a few months later. They were here when I moved in, I know that for a fact.

    I glanced in the mirror while I was brushing my teeth a couple of weeks ago and I saw one crawling across my shirt. I thought I was going to throw up. The next day I took a bath and there was one floating in the tub with me because I guess it had been latched onto my skin when I got into the bath. I often go several days in a row without sleep because of the paranoia, and I have horrific nightmares about them. You're right, people don't understand how horrible it is to live like this. I had to throw out my bed and I've developed a weird fabric phobia. I feel them crawling on me all the time when they aren't even there.

    I've been using diatomaceous earth in addition to exterminator appointments, but it aggravates my asthma. My freezer is full of weird things. I have a Timbuk2 bag, and you can't put those in a dryer, so I've been keeping it in my freezer because I found a bug in it. :Cry:

    I have also read that 80%/20% thing about weight loss but my body doesn't seem to work by those rules. I've had a LOT of weight fluctuations and the only thing that ever seems to work for me is lots of exercise. Though I'm working on cooking more and eating better so we'll see. I don't own a scale so I don't know if my weight has changed at all.

    I'm having a financial crisis at the moment (I forgot to fill out some paperwork and now my SSDI is getting garnished because my student loans went into default) and when that's resolved I hope to renew my YMCA membership. I can't really do a lot but even just to get out and walk on a treadmill or swim would be good. I have anxiety about swimming (for a whole different reason than anything I've posted about here) but I think I can overcome that.

    Thank you for your responses and support.