I've been on a roller coaster for awhile now. Things get bad, then better, then steady, then better, then bad. I've been steady for awhile and it tricked me into thinking things might be alright but I'm going through a huge drop right now and I'm afraid it's so fast and steep I'm not going to be able to pull out of this one. This might be it for me. Everyone I know is so self obsessed and wears blinders. I hate being related to and surrounded by stupid people. Harsh thing to say but they don't have any awareness of the universe or anything but themselves and it's hard because everything is, me me me and nothing is about anyone else. I care too much about everyone/everything else. The advice I am given is to worry about me and myself alone and I will feel better. I did for awhile, that's why I don't have anyone. Fucken stupid advice. Every call I make, every house I stop by, no one answers. No one is around and I am so alone it is crippling. My chest hurts at all times and I have a bad heart so now every night I lay in bed and panic until I finally pass out, that I'm dying. When I am awake I wonder if it would be a release. I hurt so bad and I am all alone. I honestly think if I killed myself the only people that would care would be strangers in this forum and family that would use it to get attention. Family that ignored me when I was at my rock bottom or wouldn't pick up the damn phone. I do not know what to do. I don't know how to live and everyone around me is like, disappear already. We don't care. I have always been a positive, optimistic person and I'm now seeing that my life is pointless. There is no meaning to any of it and we all die anyway. Why not now.